Nintendo To Release Wii Foreplay For Christmas 2008
May 29, 2008
New York, NY – On the heels of the success of games like Wii Sports and Wii Fit, Japanese game creator Nintendo is currently working on a new game to enhance the sexual experience of the players by providing step-by-step interactive instructions and feedback to ‘get them in the mood’. Wii Foreplay is expected to hit retailers this fall just in time for Christmas giving.
“It was a natural progression to get into the gratification category,” said Director of Product Development, Neil D’Mavio. “Lack of quality foreplay is just another societal issue we can solve with a fun game.” Read more
Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Managers
May 29, 2008
The Anti-Stephen Covey Guide to Managing Your Team:
- More interested in requesting numerous reports on ongoing projects than actually completing a project. This habit is often exhibited by avid Excel spreadsheet enthusiasts. Categorizing tables by column headings is one of their most private, happiest endeavors.
- Blame is always only one employee away. Highly ineffective managers do a great job of dodging bullets by placing blame on their subordinate employee or vendor. It’s a difficult habit to master, but once you’re past the guilt and self-loathing that comes with not owning your own faults, you’ll pick it up in no time.
New Company Enables Parents to Outsource Spanking
May 27, 2008
Portland, OR – Doug and Melinda Reynolds of Portland, Oregon have watched enough Nanny 911 to recognize the behavior problems in their young sons Cage and Preston. They tried all the non-violent methods they could find including time out, rational arguments, and even bribery with chicken nuggets and Legos. Nothing worked. While they knew the logical next step was spanking, neither had the heart.
“I just couldn’t see abusing my own child like that,” said Melinda Reynolds. But once the boys lit the neighbor’s cat on fire, something had to give. That’s where the brainchild of ex-cop and entrepreneur Vic Thomas came in. His company, OutSpank, sent a Certified Spanking Consultant (CSC) to the Reynolds home to discipline their problem children. Read more
Starbucks to Sell French Fries Alongside French Roast
May 27, 2008
Seattle, WA — In another surprising move, Starbucks announced today they would start selling French fries to accompany their selection of high-end coffee drinks and selected pastries.
“We’ve really been reaching out to our customer base for suggestions on how to make their Starbucks visit better,” said New Product Team Lead, Charlotte Greene. “The one thing we heard over and over again was give me something salty!” The coffee chain is complying. Each corporate owned Starbucks will receive deep fryers by month’s end.
“We feel the scent of frying potato product will add to the overall in-store experience,” said Green.
This move to add French fries is thought by some industry experts to be just another move in the transformation of Starbucks from specialty coffee shop to soulless franchise. When questioned about the similarity to McDonald’s on product offering and price point, Greene said, “I’m sorry, Mc-who?”
Starbucks may or may not be trying to tap into the lucrative, but fickle, and sometimes downright abusive, PMS demographic. “French fries, donuts, and French roast? That’s a recipe for cash,” said Amanda Warner, whose website, Make Money With Monthly Marketing, supports a consulting practice to help businesses capture the dollars women spend impulsively during the four to six day period before menstruation.
Although company spokespeople are not admitting to anything, it’s hard to deny the pre-menstrual appeal of a new product in the works. Starbucks’ forthcoming potato covered coffee bean, dipped in chocolate will give consumers the ultimate in sugar, starch, caffeine.
Americans Tired of Economic Foreplay, Wish She Would Put Out Already
May 23, 2008
WASHINGTON - As a small percentage of informed Americans continually complain about the ups and downs of the economy and the word “recession” is thrown around more and more, people are beginning to get burnt out.
It’s been months since the first news of an economic downturn hit the headlines and even now we’re still flirting with the edge of complete, economic catastrophy. Yet as the tedious wait continues many Americans are starting to wonder just when she’s going to put out.
As one disgruntled citizen put it: “I keep hearing about this recession but I’m starting to wonder where it is. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to keep buying energy efficient vehicles and commodity stocks if she’s not going to at least show me an economic depression.”
This opinion seems to be growing among Americans as they wait eagerly on the edge of their hybrid vehicle seats for the economy to reveal some signs of a Tightened Infrastructural Timeline Situation, or TITS. The economic struggle is just not worth getting all worked up over unless Americans know that they’re going to get to see some TITS very soon.
“I lived through the first depression and now they’re saying another one is just around the corner. Well I can’t just go and dump my savings into one of those new age fuel-saving cars unless I know I’m going to be seeing some huge TITS real soon.” said one elderly man when asked about his experience with economic downturns.
Yet, Americans are not simply sitting around and waiting for the TITS to come knocking at their door. Many of them are looking to get an Assimilated Savings Scenario or ASS, going as soon as possible. Working on getting some ASS within your own family or with others in your community can help bolster your overall savings and make you more financially secure for when the economy finally starts to show some TITS.
When asked about their own savings and how they planned to weather the economic recession one couple had this to say, “We just want to grab a hold of some firm ASS to help us get through these slow times and keep as much money as we can built up in case we suddenly see some TITS burst out of the economy.”
With so much uncertainty floating around these days and the economy playing hard to get with the American public there really is no better advice than to grab a little ASS and hold tight until we start to see some TITS.
Stock Market Drops Amid Growing Fears of Escalating Fear
May 21, 2008
New York - Wall Street spiraled lower for the second straight session Wednesday as record-high oil prices and a poor report from the Federal Reserve deepened investors’ worry that other investors would become worried.
“It absolutely scares the hell out of us when we start thinking about how scared other traders must be getting. It captures the tug-of-war between the two things that move stock prices, fear and greed…and crystallizes how different those two things are,” said Bob Tsongus, chief investment strategist for MissionBeta Capital. “I mean, obviously none of us have any idea what these companies are really worth. It’s more like a game of hot potato. And let me tell you, this potato is really really hot. Or cold, whatever.” Read more
Cash Mattress Business Booms Amid Recession Fears
May 21, 2008
Sicklerville, NJ - Even if President Bush won’t admit it, Americans know a recession when they’re in it. And things could get worse. As bank interest drops, stuffing the mattress with bills becomes more attractive every day. Sam Willis’ patented Money Mattress is selling fast.
“The traditional method of stuffing cash between the mattress and box spring can leave bills musty,” said Willis. “Our patented intra-mattress money box keeps currency fresh while providing the security of knowing your stash is safe at home.” Read more
Facebook CEO Blames Traffic Decline on “The Fuckin Internet”
May 20, 2008
Palo Alto, CA - Upon learning that facebook traffic declined by 10% last month, CEO Mark Zuckerberg made a stunning concession on Monday that revealed a new up-and-coming competitor for the social network. “Look, for years now we have been amazingly successful at tricking college kids into thinking that facebook actually was the fuckin internet….I guess they’re just wising up” Zuckerberg said, adding that he was personally shocked that “even Microsoft fell for it.” Some facebook staffers were not so sure, pointing out that the internet doesn’t have “like, you know, cool applications like photo sharing, chat or online games and stuff. I mean, we have an A-P-I….does the internet do that?” According to high-level sources, one possible turnaround plan includes an IPO and subsequent acquisition of a “real media company that makes profits and stuff” using company stock.
Ethanol-Fueled Airline Shuts Down
May 20, 2008
DES MOINES, IA - Less than a week after its grand opening, Iowa-based Corntinental Airlines - the first airline to fly jets powered exclusively by ethanol fuel - has shut down operations, stranding thousands of passengers still wearing their complimentary corn-husk hats at airports in Nebraska, Kansas and Idaho. Air traffic controllers complained that the specially-modified Boeing 7E7 jets caused mass congestion at airports because other pilots refused to taxi behind them. “They couldn’t handle the sweet smell of success,” said Alan Grasfurd, CEO of Corntinental. “Actually, it was the smell of French fries and fried chicken,” revealed a pilot from another airline, who asked to remain anonymous because the interview took place in the airport bar. “One whiff and my passengers were slamming their tray tables, throwing pretzels and screaming for food. I had to go back to the gate before they chewed their way into the cockpit.” Grasfurd promised refunds and little bottles of 190-proof ethanol to all stranded passengers. He plans to try again next year with passenger-pedal-powered 300-seat gossamer-winged aircraft. “People will do anything for $29 seats to L.A.,” said Grasfurd.
Liquid Fiber Increases Productivity in Top Firms
May 19, 2008
San Jose, CA - A new product premiered this week at the national meeting of the Association of Corporate Efficiency Officers. Fast Fiber promises to cut morning bathroom breaks by fifty percent. Fast Fiber is an odorless, colorless, liquid, dietary supplement that, when ingested on a regular basis, markedly speeds elimination time.
“Slip this into the water cooler and your top people will be out of the stall at back at their desks,” said Steve Snid, Director of Marketing for Fast Fiber manufacturer, Branmore. “For even faster results, management can introduce it into the coffee supply.” Read more
