Microsoft, OLPC Join Forces and Laptops Rain From The Sky!
May 19, 2008
Third World — Today Microsoft and One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) joined forces to help give a new boost to the once neglected project. Microsoft has signed on to provide Windows for the nick-named “$100 Laptops” which OLPC produces and actually cost closer to $200 at the moment. Typical Microsoft marketing.
The goal of the project is to provide laptops to poor children in developing countries who would otherwise not be able to obtain this kind of technology. If the OLPC is successful, children around the world would have a whole new realm of possibilities available to them. It’s as if Harry Potter just burst out of your mud-hut like a car bomb and handed you a laptop.
Early assessments of the project have listed a multitude of uses for the laptops in these countries, including:
1. Children could look at food on the laptop and imagine what it would be like if they were not starving. This would give starving children more of a reason to hate the United States which is fundamental to their culture.
2. Villages could break down the laptops and attempt to eat them. This would be a good deal for them considering they can no longer afford rice.
3. Poor families could sell their $100 laptop for $100 and use it to buy tickets out of their developing countries. Charity well spent.
All of these options and a great deal more, suddenly spring to life when you provide poor and starving children in developing countries with laptops. However it has been confirmed that consumption of the laptop will lead to a painful death.
Regardless of how the machines are put to use, this new partnership could help bolster the sales of OLPC to poverty stricken countries and cause a major stir in the industry of cheap, moderately unimportant technology.
“It’s really a big deal. These kids need to get a taste of what it’s like to not be them. What it’s like to live in a country where we can sit in front of a screen for days on end and read celebrity fashion news. How will they ever become civilized and not starving if they can’t even operate Microsoft Excel or download pirated music?” said OLPC marketing director, Billy “The Undercutter” Rodriguez.
Currently about 600,000 units of the OLPC laptop have been sold around the world and with the new addition of Windows that number should see a rise! In fact, with Windows now onboard the uneasy alliance that OLPC used to share with Intel should ease and production of the $100 Laptop should gain a lot of footing in its isolated market.
“We expect to sell a ton of these $100 Laptops.” said OLPC sales director, Mark Lauery at a press conference on Monday. “The laptop doesn’t have a great life expectancy in humid, dirty, weather-beaten regions where exposure to the elements is frequent. I mean, we’re going to be replacing these things every freaking month!”
OLPC is looking forward to a bright and productive future and for good reason. With the majority of the world being occupied by poor, hungry and uneducated people just taking up space, nothing says good business like selling laptops to their misguided governments! OLPC may have just hit the jackpot!
Congressman Sponsors New Anti-Immigration Bill
May 19, 2008
Tom Tancredo (R-CO), a staunch anti-immigrant congressman from Colorado, has recently sponsored a new bill in the U.S. House. A quick glance at this legislation, entitled “The Recession Relief Act,” does not reveal much. However, upon further analysis, the bill proposes to conquer both illegal immigration and record-high food prices, all in one fell swoop.
“Everyone knows I can’t stand those damn Mexicans,” indicated Tancredo, who was contacted via phone last Tuesday. “Furthermore, food prices have shot through the roof due to a variety of factors. Since the general public has not paid enough attention to my anti-immigrant efforts, I’m sponsoring this bill,” he added.
And what a bill it is. The bill proposes that Mexican illegal immigrants be round up, on an ongoing basis, and ground up into cornmeal. The resulting food product will then be sold, at cost, to needy Americans. If any excess is present, the bill proposes to donate the leftover cornmeal to various soup kitchens throughout the country.
“We shouldn’t have any problem finding these illegal Mexicans,” indicated Frank Wolf (R-VA), another well-known anti-immigration politician who is considering co-sponsoring the bill. “All we have to do is drive to the nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s, in disguise, and pretend we need someone to paint a house or do some landscaping work. They’ll come to us in droves. I estimate we can round up four or five at a time in this manner,” he added.
What’s presently unspoken is what government agency will be responsible for this dastardly deed. Tancredo’s legislative staff has indicated that they prefer a new bureau to be set up within the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) to perform these tasks. “They already have the skills to round them up; it wouldn’t be much more of a leap to get these individuals to get their health cards and learn to regularly wash their hands,” indicated one staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Other sources indicate that FBI and CIA personnel have the ability to make people “disappear” and may be better suited for the job.
Democrats, taking what is the usually the conservative Republican position, questioned the cost of such a program. “How do we know how much this program will cost? And how do we know how long this program will continue?” indicated Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), chair of the Immigration, Border Security and Citizenship subcommittee of the Committee on the Judiciary in the United States Senate. “I think more politicians might be in favor of this program if they could exempt their own [ahem] employees from this program, but as it’s written now, there are no exemptions.”
Tancredo is hopeful that if this legislation is enacted and shows early promise, it can be expanded to another nationalities that also pose a significant illegal presence in the United States. Tancredo’s staff has already determined that detained illegal Germans could be processed into sauerkraut, while detained illegal Russians could be distilled into vodka.
“Dealing with the Russians would actually be fairly easy,” indicated Tancredo. “I mean, they drink so much that they’re half vodka already.”
Loretta Sanchez (D-CA), chosen to give a Democratic response to this article, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses have reported that Ms. Sanchez, apparently fearing that she herself would be ground up and mixed into the cornmeal mix, was seen in government buildings gathering documentary proof that she is a U.S. citizen, just in case the legislation is enacted into law.
Scientists Discover New Human Species
May 16, 2008
Scientists today have announced an amazing new discovery – politicians are biologically different than the human race, known in scientific circles as Homo Sapiens. In fact, they are biologically different enough actually warrant their own species within the Homo genus, which scientists have dubbed Homo politicus.
Wang Chung, a scientist with the Harvard Biological Institute, further elaborated on this new nomenclature, which has been met with some disagreement in some scientific circles. “This species engages in a unique set of characteristics such as having an amazing ability to consume large amounts of alcohol, wasting excessive amounts of other people’s money by pretending to accomplish tasks when in reality nothing of significance gets accomplished, and most importantly, having a split personality,” he elaborated.
Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist with the University of Oxford, is skeptical. “I mean, most of the behaviors of this ‘alleged’ new species have already been observed in members of Homo sapiens,” he indicated. However, he noted that post-mortem research of politician cadavers have frequently found one or more “absorbed twin” embryos, giving rise to theories that indicate politicians truly have what is frequently termed “multiple identity disorder.”
“If we can somehow show that these embryos are alive and functioning while the attached Homo politicus member is alive, I believe our scientific understanding of this species will advance considerably,” Wang Chung noted. “This would describe how these politicians can speak to various interest groups over a very short time span and give responses to these different groups that are polar opposites. It may be that the embryo(s) attached to each politician constitutes a completely separate identity for the associated politician, which the politician can switch at will.”
This would further explain the lack of guilt in relaying these multiple thoughts and positions that frequently conflict with one another, Chung further noted. “However, we need to capture and dissect one of them while they are alive in order to confirm this biological association.”
Scientists presently have an application in with the Food And Drug Administration (FDA). If it is approved, it is expected that scientists will then be authorized to kidnap, without further notice, a few active politicians for medical research. We’ll try to get one that is a major liar,” Chung indicated, “since such a politician will likely have a more developed embryo, or hopefully embryos, embedded in their body.”
Some scientists have already accepted the existence of this new species as fact and have expanded upon this discovery by naming separate subspecies within the Homo politicus species. Subspecies generally are biologically compatible with other subspecies of the same species, but have distinguishing characteristics that set them apart.
To provide the public with a better understanding of these different political subspecies, scientists have given what they believe to be real-life “case examples” of each designated subspecies.
Some of the more notorious politicians named so far as representative of the various subspecies are as follows:
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Larry Craig – Homo politicus homo
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Strom Thurmond – Homo politicus oldasshit
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Dennis Kucinich – Homo politicus straightfrommars
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Bill Clinton – Homo politicus ishouldbemormon
Scientists note that as other defining characteristics are further classified, other subspecies designations will be forthcoming.
Prostitution Industry Suffering in Economic Downturn
May 16, 2008
NEW YORK — As the painful crunch of the economic downturn continues to rear its head in the lives of most Americans, nobody is feeling the squeeze more than working class hookers and pimps. Industry analyst, “Numbafuka”, an unofficial expert in the field pointed to the rising price of gas and crude oil.
“Playas’ can’t even afford ta get their ride up in this shit no’mo son.” Numbafuka texted to his homies from a street-corner, in an official report on Friday. His statement is referring to the mass decrease in customers that the industry has seen in the last three months.
With the cost of gas steadily on the rise the number of “hand-jobs”, “blow-jobs” and general industry sales have dropped a shocking 4.9% in the month of April alone. The sudden free-fall of business is being directly linked to the reduced driving and penny-pinching being done by middle-class white businessmen.
When asked to comment, “Plattinumb Rokz” a local pimp who serves as a benchmark for his sales region, had this to say: “I use to bank phat cash but these bustas’ showin up on bikez and shit tryin to get a ho fo’like five dollas. My Escalade costs mo’than five dollas just to turn the key, playa’.”
Wall Street and the Fed are currently monitoring this situation with great interest and are considering subsidizing pimps who would be willing to reduce their hourly fee per “ho”. This plan comes in the wake of many pimps being forced to shut down their “biznass” and get put in applications for actual “jobs”.
“This is an industry that contributes a great deal to the welfare of America and the Fed is taking a special interest in it. The collapse and bankruptcy of this industry could greatly impact the number of hookers who attend the Fed’s 4th of July cookout this year.” said Larry Rackenbaum, an event-planner for the Fed.
While waiting on the final word from The Fed, “Plattinumb Rokz” shared some uplifting words with a couple of “playas” at his regular street-corner, saying: “We be fine, son. Ain’t nobody gonna touch this. We gangstas.”
The Billionaire’s Guide To Going Green
May 15, 2008
Wal-Mart Explores Indentured Servitude Employment Model
May 15, 2008
Bentonville, AR - For years Amanda Jacobson paid no attention the vagrants outside the Wal-Mart store she managed. Short of staff, and with no budget for more, suddenly the Will Work For Food sign held by a crippled veteran took on new meaning.
“I asked the bakery for the week old yeast rolls and headed outside,” Ms. Jacobson told reporters. “It was the beginning of a great relationship for the homeless and Wal-Mart. It’s a real win-win situation.”
Hiring panhandlers to work for food has proven to be a successful pilot program in several Wal-Mart stores. All amounts eaten are carefully tracked and translated into hours owed the company. The world’s largest retailer is known for keeping prices low for the consumer. This is just another aggressive price cutting strategy. “We think it’s genius,” said North American People Management Director, Walt Thompson. “This represents an amazing opportunity to help those in need while driving down prices and ensuring we’ve got the bodies to serve our customers.”
Thompson is working with the legal and tax divisions of the retail giant to determine if food distribution under the new employment model qualifies as a charitable tax deduction. Plans are already underway to expand the program.
Young mother Courtney Potter looks forward to the work-for-diapers program. “They don’t even make you interview,” she said.
Ohio Man Promotes Home-Based Oil Business
May 14, 2008
Rusty Grove, OH - With the price of a barrel of crude oil approaching $130, it’s not hard to see why thousands of wanna-be oil barons are flocking to the small Cleveland suburb of Rusty Grove and forking over $500 for a seat in a seminar called “How To Start Your Own Home-Based Oil Business” put on by Harold “Don’t Call Me Crude” Solowski, the self-proclaimed “Sheik of Shaker Heights.”
Solowski knows why the crowd is there. “Who wants to live in house with a snow machine in the attic so you can ski all year round? How would you like to drive a Rolls Royce to the bowling alley? Wanna see my titanium American Express card? That’s what oil can do for you!” Read more
Standard & Poor’s Downgraded To Substandard & Destitute
May 14, 2008
New York, NY - Moody’s Investors Service announced today it is lowering the credit rating of its main competitor, Standard & Poor’s, to Substandard & Destitute. “The S&P 500 has been consistently wrong about the alleged, possible-but-not-probable, so-called not-quite-a-recession,” says Roger Inswek, chief rater-of-the-raters at Moody’s. Read more
You Don’t Have to Know Business to Talk Business
May 13, 2008
Ever find yourself daydreaming about cocktail hour when you’re supposed to be listening to a colleague’s strategic plans for leveraging online initiatives to gain greater market share?
Before you know it, they’re throwing around words like “paradigm” and three letter acronyms like SEO. You’re standing in the hallway stuck between your office and another cup of coffee while they go on and on and on.
Whether you’re bored to tears or completely clueless, you can easily feign interest and acumen on any given business topic with just the right selection of well-timed phrases.
To help you through inordinately long and yawn-inducing office conversations, we put together a quick list of comments that can: 1.) offer an insightful perspective, and 2.) bring the conversation to a swift end. Read more
A Letter from Your CEO
May 13, 2008
…who may or may not have a clue about how to run a business.
Dear Employees,
We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.
That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work. Read more
