Heinz Annouces Bottled Tomatoes
June 30, 2008
PITTSBURGH, PA - Taking a cue from the bottled water industry, the H. J. Heinz Company (motto: “Don’t Blame Us For John Kerry”) announced that consumers who fear contracting salmonella from eating grocery store tomatoes can feel safe buying Heinz’s new line of bottled tomatoes. According to the press release, ‘Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato’ is made from “imported premium spring-watered tomatoes grown on the shady side of the Alps by grain-fed farmers making a living wage.” One 6-ounce bottle of Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato contains three of these tomatoes and will retail for $14.99 at most grocery stores, $18.99 at Whole Foods. “We believe that tomato lovers are willing to pay for quality, peace of mind and red tomatoes that are green in spirit,” said product director Mary Kelpore. When it was pointed out that Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato looks and tastes exactly like Heinz 57 Ketchup, she announced that Heinz is changing the name of its ketchup to ‘Tap Tomatoes’ and expects the line to be phased out within a year.
Pimping Smart Cars Into C+ Cars
June 29, 2008
KNOCKSBURG, TN - Rosco Lou Bransky, owner of the “Dents With Me” body shop in downtown Knocksburg, says he and his crew have been working 24/7 ever since Rosco Lou’s cousin Stinky came up with the idea of converting Smart Cars into C+ Cars. “Stinky’s a repo man and he got the Smart Car from a guy who went broke selling John Edwards bobble-head dolls,” explained Rosco Lou. “Stinky said the Smart Car was too “elitist” for a repo man so he asked me to pimp it into something he would drive, like a Pontiac Bonneville. I came up with the idea of calling it a C+ Car, even though Stinky never got higher than a D in school without copying from that Asian foreign exchange student.”
Once Stinky’s buddies saw his cute little Bonneville, Dents With Me was getting orders from as far away as Stumpgrinder, Kentucky, for Smart Cars pimped into Ford Falcons, Chevy Impalas, Dodge Chargers and even a Corvair. Instead of pounding out dents, Rosco Lou was pounding them in and making the cars look less snobby by adding Bondo, gray paint and duct tape. Billy Ron Ron, owner of the local dealership - Crazy Harry’s Smart Cars and Skateboards - reports that he’s sold more Smart Cars than skateboards for the first time since that fast-talking Mercedes rep tricked him into becoming a dealer. Virtually all of the Smart Cars purchased at Crazy Harry’s are sent directly to Dents With Me to be pimped into C+ Cars for about $10,000 per vehicle. “For 2 grand more I can turn it into a D- Car,” says Rosco Lou. “I make black smoke come out of the tailpipe, put a wobble in the front wheels and paste a ‘My Kid Steals Your Honor Student’s Lunch Money’ bumper sticker on the back.”
After a video of the C+ Cars appeared on YouTube, Rosco Lou has been getting queries from around the country and is considering franchising. “I got a call yesterday from a guy in Washington, DC,” said Bransky. “He wouldn’t say who he was but he wanted a Smart Car pimped into a C+ Car that looked like a pickup truck for clearing brush on his ranch. And his buddy wanted the same thing only with a gun rack and a cigarette lighter that could run a portable defibrillator.”
Top Ten Jobs For The Rest Of 2008
June 27, 2008
10. Bush/Cheney bumper sticker scraper
9. Tomato taster
8. Britney Spears spotter
7. Home school janitor
6. Smart Car washer
5. Dead pet funeral director
4. Priscilla Presley impersonator
3. Medicare-sponsored tattoo artist
2. iPhone addiction counselor
1. Gas Station Sign Price Changer
Japanese Company Purchases Rights to Apple Pie
June 27, 2008
TOKYO – Mildred Morgan has seen a lot of American products shipped overseas. She’s seen cars and toasters go offshore, even her husband’s favorite beer is losing it’s American status. But she never figured she’d lose her grandmother’s apple pie to the Japanese. Read more
Economic Recession Changes the Way Americans Date
June 27, 2008
CALIFORNIA - With the Dow tumbling into a technical Bear market today there’s no doubt that Americans are feeling the strain of their wallets, but the financial woes are doing more than just pinching our pennies, they’re changing our society too. Already the way we speak, act and interpret situations has come under the sway of our rapidly declining economy and nowhere is this more evident than in the world of dating.
Sites such as EHarmony and Match.com are already seeing the direct impact of this phenomenon. Profiles with names such as “HighMileageClub” and “SexNEthanol500″ are already sprouting up all over the lonely singles with internet industry. Yet most analysts say this is only the tip of the iceberg.
Attempting to profit from what is currently speculated as the “next big thing” Calvin Klein has already begun production on a new men’s cologne named “The Dirty Speculator.” Which has the fragrant aroma of raw gasoline, cocaine laden dollar bills and lies.
“We wanted to capture the scent and feel of the Market Speculator. We wanted to really take you into his office, show you where he drives up oil prices by lying and saying complete bullshit!. It’s sexy.” said Calvin Klein spokeswoman Natalie Swindleberger.
Calvin Klein may have tapped into just the right Market with this new concept for the American dating scene. A recent survey conducted by People With Degrees shows that when asked what they look for in a man, an alarming 73% of women said that a man who smells of gasoline or a gas-station was a major turnon. In addition, a rising 61% of women say that a man with qualities such as being “light, sweet and crude” are all highly desired. Yet perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that most women simply said that they were looking for a “well oiled” or “oily” man these days.
These numbers however were not reflected when People With Degrees questioned men. The vast majority of men, continued to respond as they historically had, saying that an ideal mate would be described as: “cheap”, “easy”, and “with a lot of tread on the tires.”
Even the adult entertainment industry is seeing these strange new shenanigans. One phone-sex operator reported getting at least fifty customers a day requesting that she “talk financial” to them. We asked if we could listen in on one of their conversations and under terms of anonymity we were shocked at what we heard. Read more
Ed McMahon To Host “Foreclosing With The Stars”
June 26, 2008
BURBANK, CA - Ed McMahon, longtime announcer and co-host of “The Tonight Show” and current nearly-destitute celebrity, has been named to host “Foreclosing With The Stars.” The reality show - based on a British version called “Stars Who Can’t Tell A Euro From A Pound” - will pair personalities from Hollywood’s “Is he still alive?” list with corrupt business managers, agents and ex-spouses.
Each week, the stars will be given $1 million which their crooked partner will try to convince them to invest in questionable yet enticing business ventures such as ostrich farms, Nigerian principalities, Rob Schneider films and cereal restaurants. Read more
eBay Unveils Auction Market For Junk Futures
June 24, 2008
SAN JOSE, CA - eBay Inc. (motto: “Some fool will buy that!”) today unveiled a new program for people who have nothing to sell but would still like to participate in the auction market and make the big bucks their neighbors claim to be earning. Instead of dealing in hard assets, buyers and sellers will now be able to trade in “junk futures” - promises to buy or sell new or used “collectibles” on a certain date in the future at a specified price. Read more
United Offers Unlimited Checked Bags To Passenger Pilots
June 23, 2008
CHICAGO, IL - After announcing plans to cut costs by laying off 950 pilots, United Airlines unveiled a revolutionary new program to economically replace them in the cockpit. Called “Fly Your Bags Free,” the program will allow two passengers per plane to check as many bags they want at no charge in return for flying the plane to their destination. “Of course, we’d prefer that the passengers are experienced pilots,” said Roger “Flash” Corrigan, a former runway flashlight waver recently promoted to United Worldwide Flight Crew Coordinator. “However, in a pinch we’ll take anyone who’s every played Flight Simulator or operated a radio-controlled aircraft - even one of those sissy kind where you spin around in a circle with the plane attached to a wire.” If the passenger pilot is a member of United’s frequent flyer program, he or she will also receive quadruple miles for the flight. “If anybody has incentive to get our planes to their destination on time or sooner, it’s our frequent flyers,” says Corrigan. “They’ll also be allowed to board and de-board first.”
In another coast-cutting move, United’s passenger pilots will be guided through takeoffs and landings by air traffic controllers working out of a call center in India. The controllers are trained in basic air traffic control functions like talking slowly, using Mapquest and constantly remind the pilots to speak over the plane’s intercom in a drawl. Corrigan refused to comment on a rumor that United will soon offer a similar program to any passengers willing to replace flight attendants. “It’s easy to fly planes — they’ve got autopilot,” said Corrigan. “It takes real skill to guide a food and beverage cart through a crowded plane without drinking half the liquor yourself.”
Stock Shares of “Magic” See Record Day as Investors Frenzy!
June 21, 2008
NEW YORK - In this seemingly logical age of science and technology, it would come as a shock to most to find that recently “Magic” has been inducted into the Stock Market as a commodity.
The decision was made earlier this week with one anonymous representative saying: “People are depressed and confused, they need something to believe in and put their money in. We felt that Magic had a lot of potential on the market.”
They could not have been more right! Scientists recently introduced “Magic” into the Periodic Table and in a press release had this to say: “The Element of Magic while rare, has a lot to offer people who want to believe it exists. Everything from a better economy to shooting lightning from your hands. You know, pretty much whatever you want.”
The response to this new commodity has been overwhelming, the price exploded during early trading and settled around $280 per share by closing. While the price of oil fell to nearly 0.30 cents per barrel with many investors speculating that “Magic” will soon fuel our vehicles much in the same way it currently fuels our imaginations.
Currently the majority of Magic is being produced in Disney land and J.K Rowling’s bank account, however many other companies are looking to compete in the emerging industry of Magic Production. Microsoft is already planning a late 2008 opening for their own Magic Refinery which will draw its product directly from the gaping, black, void of evil inside the hearts of its employees. Insiders have already leaked that Microsoft is planning a “Service Pack 1″ for their refinery in the first quarter of 09′.
We’ll continue to monitor this developing story in the days and weeks to come and are eager to see just how Magic fairs against “Hope” and “Dreams” when they open for trading next month.
Hot Wheels Enters Small Car Market
June 20, 2008
DETROIT, MI - While major American car makers General Motors and Ford are phasing out SUVs and larger model cars and moving to the small car market, Hot Wheels, a division of Mattel, announced today it will move up from the tiny car market it dominates and begin making small passenger vehicles. Called “Cool Wheels,” the cars will be about the size of a Honda Fit, made from die-cast lightweight aluminum and - like their toy counterparts - run on gravity and centrifugal force, thus requiring no fuel whatsoever.
“Since the only moving parts are the front and rear axels attached to rubber wheels, we can build a Cool Wheels car in about five minutes,” said Max Freemint, CEO of Cool Wheels and owner of one of the largest Hot Wheels collections in the world. “That means we can begin shipping new models immediately.” Freemint revealed that the company already has over 10,000 orders from buyers in San Francisco, a perfect market for the tiny car. “Gravity takes you to work and a strong grip on the rear end of a cable car gets you home,” says Freemint.
People living in flatter cities will have to wait for the optional orange plastic track, scheduled to be available third quarter 2008. It will be attached to the roof of a garage, allowing the garage door to lift the lightweight car to the top. With the custom torsion bar suspension providing a nearly frictionless wheel spin, a Cool Wheel released down the slope can go 50 miles before needing to find a hill or a loop-the-loop. Drivers with longer commutes can purchase the battery-powered Supercharger which fits in the trunk and provides dozens of high-speed power boosts using two AA batteries, not included.
“Our target market is guys who were kids in the 70’s and 80’s and played with Hot Wheels,” says Cool Wheels marketing director Vince Colgrate. “They’ll love the flames painted on the sides and the quiet ride that allows them to make their own hot rod noises while driving.” The $500 base price makes Cool Wheels attractive to teenagers and the lack of an engine or any other parts requiring maintenance makes it the perfect car for women who hate dealing with auto mechanics. Colgrate does not expect to sell many cars to drivers over 50, whose main memory of Hot Wheels is stepping on them barefoot in the dark. If sales exceed first year projections of 250,000, Mattel may follow up with a larger version of the Matchbox toy car line called the Hatchbox.
Calls to Ford headquarters for comments on the Cool Wheels announcement went unanswered, although one reporter claims he heard sobbing in the background. An anonymous executive at GM says the company is hoping to compete in this market by ripping the engines and drive trains out of the hundreds of thousand of unsold Suburbans and Hummers currently sitting in dealer lots.
