Popular Blogger Controls Yahoo Stock Price
June 20, 2008
SILICON VALLEY – In the past week super technology blogger Joe Nowital has become the single most influential force of the stock price of Yahoo.
Early Thursday Nowital posted on his site, JoeNowitalKnowsAll.com, rumors that Yahoo had inked a deal with Google to run ads on Yahoo search results. The stock plummeted. Six minutes later when he opined that the rumors probably were not true, the stocked moved up slightly. Two hours later, he posted Yahoo’s announcement that negotiations with Microsoft were officially off, and the stock tanked even further.
Later, Nowital predicted that Yahoo would team up with Apple to create the next generation in mobile technology, the YPhone. Yahoo’s stock price soared. Then Nowital took it back, adding that he didn’t like Yahoo’s logo. This sent the stock spiraling downward.
Just before trading ended, Nowital ate six burritos and a Big Gulp, then podcasted the results in a post titled “Buy Yahoo Stock Now”. In a testament to the power of the internet, Yahoo stock closed at an all time high.
Associated Press Story Causes Racial Misunderstanding
June 20, 2008
Writer, Editor Released After Political Story Improperly Construed
The Associated Press reported earlier today that Senator Barack Obama’s wife recently indicated she was “touched” by the first lady, Laura Bush. The phrasing of this article’s title has, so far, resulted in the firing of the reporter who wrote the story and the resignation of her editor.
Your Business Horoscope
June 19, 2008
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Avoid investing in any company whose annual report is written on the back of a prison newsletter.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take a break from picking stocks. Put the Wall Street Journal in your birdcage and let Tweetie do it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your review is coming soon. Practice hitting the ‘Panic’ button while playing computer Solitaire.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be cautious in selecting your office attire. “Business casual” does not mean wing-tipped flip-flops.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Investing may not be your forte. Finding 25 cents on the sidewalk is not the same as getting a quarterly dividend.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Major in business, minor in English. Your creative writing skills will come in handy when doing expense reports.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be kind to those who work for you. They have staplers and they know a few options that you don’t.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you don’t want your employees to act first and ask questions later, don’t let them watch “Jeopardy” in the lunch room.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beware of a stock broker who claims he got out of NASCAR racing because of too many crashes.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you can understand the formula your bank loan officer used to calculate your mortgage payment, it’s wrong.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You easily get into dangerous situations. Let someone else make the coffee.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your leading indicator is up. Knock off early and visit your girlfriend.
Airline Adds ‘Screaming Baby’ Fee
June 17, 2008
American Airlines has become the first major carrier to charge a fee for bringing a screaming and/or crying baby onto a domestic flight. The fee will be applied on an adjustable scale, starting at $10 for a crying baby, $15 for screaming and $20 for spitting, vomiting or other non-diaper emissions. In addition, a surcharge of $1 per minute will be added to the total until the baby stops, falls asleep or finds something to suck on besides the arm of the passenger sitting next to it.
American spokesperson Amelia Vanclepstine attempted to justify the screaming baby fee. “The checked bag fee just isn’t bringing in enough revenue,” she told reporters. “Passengers are lugging larger carry-on bags and wearing three or four outfits over each other. We even caught a man who swallowed six pairs of socks. He would have made it to his destination but the smell of the in-flight meal brought the hose back up. We charged him $15 for excess baggage and $10 for using more than one barf bag.”
Parents of screaming babies are protesting the fee. “I sat for three hours next to a 400-pound guy who smelled like Old Spice, old shoes and old goat,” shouted Marge Androse over three screaming toddlers. “My kids were crying because he reminded them of their fathers - well, one of their fathers.” Roger Van Heltz had another view. “They should pay me. My screaming kid is part of the Homeland Security System. Even the promise of 72 virgins isn’t enough to convince a terrorist to sit through that.”
Other airlines are planning to follow suit. Continental is considering charging $30 per screaming baby unless the parent agrees to chew enough gum to provide all of the other passengers with temporary earplugs. United plans to charge $20 for the first screaming baby, $30 for the second and $40 for any passenger who is driven to screaming by the noise. Southwest is going against the trend. Instead of charging for screamers, Southwest flight attendants will entertain passengers by holding the babies on their laps and doing ventriloquist acts - making the babies swear, complain and act like normal passengers.
Weak Dollar Prompts States to Print Their Own Currency
June 17, 2008
WASHINGTON - With the dollar in what appears to be a perpetual decline, many states are turning to their own means to keep their financial infrastructure afloat. Like sweet, sweet, cocaine nostalgia, the days of independent states and drunken militias come rolling back as each state begins printing their own personal currency to help seperate themselves from the “sinking ship” that is the U.S economy.
The trend began in Alabama where one small town began buying in selling using, “Alabambucks.” The mishapen square tender depict a man in a plaid jumpsuit shooting a red, white and blue, automatic rifle into what appears to be an ocean of deer. The notes were crudely drawn by the daughter of a local resident and his sister/wife, using the Crayola “64 Crayon Pack”. The one with the sharpener built into the box.
It didn’t take long for the idea to catch on. Within only a few weeks of the introduction of the “Alabambuck” into the Alabamanese public the trend was already sparking new and creative ideas among the populations of Florida and Texas.
After witnessing the economic security and public response to the Alabambuck, the Florida government quickly produced their own state currency known as the “Flamingo-Bill.” The note features palm trees, flamingos and a sunset being ravaged by a Hurricane.
The Flamingo-Bill was taken exceptionally well by Senior Citizens because of its unique ability to also be used to pay “Charon the Ferryman” to row them across the River Stix after they die in their nursing homes.
“I just see it as a great compromise to gold coins. This way when I’m done with my rounds I can kick it down to Miami and party without worrying about my money being accepted.” said Charon when asked about the Flamingo-Bills.
Andrew Jackheim of Palm Beach County had this to say about the Flamingo-Bill, “I’m glad someone is finally looking out for the Senior Citizens. They die all of the time and usually can’t afford to pay for it. The last thing anyone wants is more Zombies.” His wife, Mildred, agreed.
Yet it’s not all good news in the world of State Currency. Texas, in response to Florida and Alabama’s immediate success with their own projects quickly drafted their own state tender but was met with somewhat different results.
Texas named their currency “Big Ones” as it relates to the phrase “Everything Is Bigger in Texas”, yet upon printing the currency and issuing them to the public, many citizens had mixed feelings about their apperance.
The Big Ones are printed approximately twice as large as normal dollars and contain simply, a large portrait of Walker Texas Ranger, holding a shotgun in either hand and brandishing what is unmistakably, a massive erection.
“I’m both disturbed and aroused by it.” said Butch Carlson, a resident of Dallas. “It’s got all of my favorite things, strong men, shotguns and huge boners, but I don’t like how the bills are so small.”
Yes, Texas has struggled since the bills release to assure the public that the currency is in fact large enough to make all of the other states both jealous and annoyed.
Though despite their rough start, Texas recently reported the overall opinion of the Big Ones to be increasing exponentially.
Is State Currency truly the way of the future? Will we continue to see more states breaking away and printing their own money in the weeks and months to come? Yet more importantly, what kind of impact will this new fad have on the country as a whole?
The answers rest in the hands of bored legislators everywhere.
Librarian Seeks Settlement From Former Broadcom CEO
June 16, 2008
Santa Ana, CA – Broadcom co-founder and former CEO Henry T. Nicholas was arrested this week on drug and conspiracy charges stemming from his penchant for Ecstasy, prostitutes, and cash. But the F.B.I isn’t the only was who wants to see justice.
“Maybe now I’ll be able to collect those late fees,” said Adelaide Griswold, Director of Library Services for the Orange County library system. According to Griswold, Nicholas racked up over $600 in fines on titles such as Success Without Scars: Business Tips From Tony Montana, Handling Whores for Dummies, and Underground Fortresses: A Drafter’s Guide. Some volumes, such as Insider’s Guide to Accounting for Stock Options, were simply never returned.
“The books Mr. Nicholas checked out always came back dusty,” said Griswold. “I never could figure out why such a wealthy man would have so much white dust in his home.”
As for the outstanding borrowed books, library authorities will work closely with the F.B.I and local police to recover them. Fines in arrears are also sought. As of June 6, 2008, Nicholas’ library card has been officially flagged.
Sponsors Feature Selves In Own TV Shows
June 12, 2008
The New York Times reports that two new television shows will bring back an advertising twist not seen since the 60’s - products and company names prominently featured in both the program and its name. Don Equis beer will sponsor a reality show to find an assistant for the Most Interesting Man in the World, a character in its commercials, and Meow Mix will present the Meow Mix Game Show that will test how well cat owners know their pets.
As expected in the no-new-idea-should-go-uncopied world of Hollywood, dozens of similarly-sponsored shows are already in the works. Here are few we’ve heard rumors about:
Dairy Queen’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”
Caesar’s Palace Presents “Deal or No Deal”
Belltone Hearing Aids’ “The Dog Whisperer”
“Wheel of Fortune Magazine”
Hush Puppies’ “Dancing With The Stars”
ExLax Presents “The Next American Model”
“Mad Magazine Men”
“Fear Max Factor”
Ritalin’s “South Park”
Funeral Homes of America’s “Larry King Live”
eBay’s “Antiques Roadshow”
Early Pregnancy Test’s “Late Show”
Chrysler Buys Abu Dhabi Garage And Electric Camel Company
June 11, 2008
Hours after the Abu Dhabi Investment Council announced it is negotiating an $800 million deal for a 75 percent stake in the landmark Chrysler Building in midtown Manhattan, Chrysler revealed plans to buy the Packard Garage in downtown Abu Dhabi and it’s main tenant — the Arabian Daze Electric Camel Company. The price was not disclosed, but a reporter in Abu Dhabi recalls seeing a For Sale sign in the window yesterday that said, “$3500 or two courtside tickets to the NBA Finals.” While Chrysler no longer owns the Chrysler Building, the move is seen as a symbolic retaliation for high Middle East oil prices which have hurt sales of the company’s cars and trucks and brought the value CEO’s golden parachute down to $250 million.
“This gives Chrysler an energy-efficient vehicle to compete with the foreign hybrids,” said Jake Westy, Chrysler’s Director of Finding Energy-Efficient Vehicles to Compete With The Foreign Hybrids. While electric camels have never been available in the U.S., they’re almost as rare in Abu Dhabi, a city where oil tycoons use Bentleys as dune buggies. “The electric camel is not just a golf cart with a water cooler,” said Westy. “It’s a golf cart with a water cooler and a DVD player.” The 2-seat electric camels, which will be called the Firehump in the U.S., have a top speed of 35 miles-per-hour in the city and 70 MPH when caught in the grille of a semi. Firehumps are expected to begin arriving in Chrysler showrooms in late 2008, once they have been fitted with safety glass, safety bumpers and passenger-side defibrillators. Automotive industry experts see Chrysler’s purchase of Arabian Daze and the electric camels as a desperation move to avoid being the subject of a Michael Moore documentary on global warming.
FLDS Members to Auction off Extra Wives
June 10, 2008
Sect Members Are Desperately Short of Cash, Says One Inside Source
Fresh off of their bruising battle with Texas Child Welfare Authorities, the Associated Press has learned that various members of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) have decided to auction off some of their extra wives for much-needed cash.
“We really had no choice after the legal proceedings had concluded,” indicated Dale Jessop, a leader at the group’s Texas compound. “We had to engage hundreds of attorneys to defend ourselves from the state’s meritless allegations. Now, these attorneys need to be paid and we don’t presently have the funds to pay for their services.”
Other sect leaders have indicated they are negotiating with Sotheby’s, a premiere auction house in New York City, to set up price guidelines for the various wives being offered for sale. Younger wives will initially be priced higher than older wives, while discounting will occur if children are to accompany their mothers.
“We’ll be working with the FLDS members to make their product more marketable to the buying public, ” said Frederick James, an official with Sotheby’s. “Some things will need to be modified – for instance, those Gumby-lookalike hairstyles are going to be history,” he indicated.
The FLDS religion states that the more wives a man has during his life, the better position he has in paradise. When Dale Jessop was asked why he was potentially reducing his position in paradise after he dies, Mr. Jessop, wistfully eyeing a group of children on a playground a ways off, stated “I’m not that concerned about that. Time will help us heal,” he stated with a glint in his eye.
Rat Poison Recalled … Contaminated With Vitamins
June 9, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today announced a mandatory recall of all rat poisons marketed under the brand names Bye-Bye-Ben, Ratageddon, Vermin-celli and Dead Rat Walking after discovering that the active ingredient (skullencrossbonium) had been replaced by high levels of vitamins, minerals and possibly steroids. “Over the last three weeks there have over 10,000 reported cases of rats eating one of these poison products and becoming faster, stronger and bulked like little gray Hulk Hogans,” said Dr. Alphonse Zentmen, Director of Poisons and Stomach Viruses at the FDA. Read more
