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Pink Floyd Apologizes for ‘Money’

LONDON — The remaining members of Pink Floyd - Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Nick Mason - got together briefly to issue an apology to their fans and to anyone hurt during the current worldwide economic crisis for the influence their mega-hit song ‘Money’ may have had on the perpetrators of the financial meltdown. “Who knew back in 1973 that singing “Money, it’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash” would have such an effect on Wall Street?” asked Waters. “We were just stoned and singing about buying some munchies … I think.”

‘Money’ - from the epic ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album - was released in 1973, about the time Hank Paulson, Ben Bernanke and the CEOs of most investment banks were in business college or just getting their first jobs as traders. It was the first album most of them played over-and-over on their stereo systems and it has since been heard at least once a day on every oldies rock station in the country. “I blame FM radio,” says Gilmour. ““Money” was written to be listened to once a year, about the time you’re trying to get in the mood to do your income taxes.”

The lyrics “I’m in the hi-fidelity, first class traveling set, and I think I need a Lear jet” appear to have had the biggest influence on today’s financial leaders. “Don’t blame me. I had nothing to do with that song,” says Mason. “I’m just the drummer. I thought we were here to announce a reunion tour.” Waters, Gilmour and Mason confirmed that the band was not getting back together, due to - you guessed it - money problems.

Thousands See Adam Smith’s Face In Toasted Bagel

NEW YORK, NY — Thousands of depressed Wall Street traders, portfolio managers and investment bankers have flocked to a small bagel shop on Broadway to see a toasted bagel that appears to be burned with the face of Adam Smith, the father of free market economics. “It’s a sign!” cried ex-Lehman Brothers employee Scott Remkluy. “Adam is coming back to help us through this mess!” “It’s a miracle!” exclaimed former Washington Mutual vice president Les Imtrew, in New York looking for work selling fake leather briefcases on the street. “It’s bunk!” yelled an unnamed long-haired bearded man wearing a sheet and carrying a sign that read, “The end is near - buy me a beer!”

Murray Johnstein, owner of the Hello Jelly bagel shop, says he saw the unusual bagel while filling an order for a sesame-toasted-with-a-schmear. “It’s a good thing I didn’t schmear,” said Murray. “I can buy a lot of cream cheese with what these crazy bankers are offering to pay for that bagel.” At first, Johnstein didn’t know whose picture was toasted on the bagel, but a number of out-of-work Wall Streeters in the shop for the “Free bagel if you show your old Bear Stearns badge” promotion immediately recognized the regulations-eating grin of Adam Smith.

Both Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson refused to examine the bagel to determine if it is indeed Adam Smith and if might have miraculous powers. That hasn’t stopped the parade of believers through Hello Jelly to view the toasted treat. Johnstein has placed the bagel in a glass case to protect it from unemployed traders trying to rub Adam’s face on their now-silent Blackberries. Johnstein plans to put the bagel up for bids on eBay, but will wait until all of the tortillas, pieces of toast and grass-stained pants adorned with the faces of Jesus, Mary and Abraham Lincoln are auctioned off to avoid competition.

Golden Parachute Makers Ramp Up Production

ARCADIA, CALIFORNIA — At least one sector of the economy enjoyed a boost last week as parachute maker Baleoot increased production of its exclusive line of golden parachutes.

“Used to be, we depended on a frustrated board of directors to oust a worthless CEO or other high ranking executive,” said Baleoot VP Susan MacArthur. “Those orders were so few and far between, we fabricated them on a custom basis. Now we’ve got the full faith and force of the United States government supporting our niche.”

MacArthur went on to explain that in addition to the traditional all golden design, Baleoot will begin manufacturing parachutes accented with industry specific colors. Blue for investment banks, green for retail banks, red for car companies, and black for oil companies.

The company is still working out some problems with parachutes made from actual gold, but expressed confidence the challenge will be met. “When you’re walking away with eight digits, you can get whatever you want,” MacArthur said.

Stephen King to Pen Wall Street Horror Novel

Stephen King, the world’s scariest writer outside of the guy who does the warnings in pharmaceutical packages, announced he has begun what he believes will be his greatest horror novel. Titled “Bank Sematary,” it is the story of Frank Baulson, a small-town banker who does his best to save the mortgages of the local townfolk, then buries the foreclosed ones (mortgages, that is - although he considered both) in his back yard - only to have them come back to life in a horrific and monstrous form to terrorize Wall Street, Washington and everyone on the planet except the one man who can save them all … Warner Puffet.

“The story came to me in a nightmare after watching President Bush’s speech on the bailout,” says King. “Not only did it make me wet the bed, I shredded the sheets, decapitated the headboard and strangled my clock radio until Don Imus spoke no more. I haven’t had that much fun since I quit drinking!”

The horror master denies the book sounds a lot like one of his early hits, “Pet Sematary.” “That was about a dead cat that comes back to life,” says King. “There’s no cats in Bank Sematary … except for the one Baulson sacrifices to god of free markets, Adam Smith. It doesn’t come back to life, but Baulson does get some help from its invisible paw.” King refused to say how Puffet saves the world, except for one hint: “It involves junk bonds, solar energy and the pinkie finger of Federal Reserve Chairman Ken Kernanke.”

King is rushing to complete the book before vampire novelist Anne Rice returns to the genre with her own novel about the Wall Street financial crisis called “The Vampire Subprime.”

Clay Aiken Admits in Fortune: “Yes, I’m Rich!”

New York, NY — Clay Aiken - ‘American Idol’ runner-up, star of ‘Monty Python’s Spamalot’ and new dad - admits in an upcoming issue of Fortune magazine that he is rich. “I guess you could say I’m finally coming out of the vault,” jokes Clay in the magazine’s cover story. “I want my child to grow up knowing that the man he sees his daddy with all of the time is his financial advisor.” The singer and actor will be featured on the Fortune cover cradling a blanket filled with gold bars, loose diamonds and the keys to his Ferrari.

Aiken was born into a poor family in Raleigh, North Carolina, and says he didn’t realize he was rich until a few years ago. “Unlike my friends, I was never attracted to food stamps, government cheese and second-hand stores,” says Clay. “I didn’t know it was OK to feel that way until I met Ryan Seacrest.” Seacrest - ‘American Idol’ host, DJ and television producer - was also confused about his identity as a poor boy but finally realized he was rich after earning an estimated $32 million per year.

Clay’s mother was the first to learn that her son was rich. “I always suspected it,” she reveals in the Fortune article. “While the other boys in the neighborhood were playing with action figures, little Clay was knitting blankets for his piggy bank.” Clay says his mom cried when he told her, especially when he showed her his new will that leaves everything he owns to Jaymes Foster - his best friend and the mother of his baby. “Jaymes has never laughed at me for being rich,” admits Aiken. “For the haircut - sure, but never for being rich.”

Clay hopes his fans will still accept him now that he’s open about his richness. “This doesn’t mean you should stop buying my CDs or coming to ‘Spamalot,’” he says. “Being a rich man is something I have to deal with every day. It’s not something I can change by praying for a recession or a big tax increase.”

Gym Teachers Outraged Over Ban on Shorts Selling

BUTTE, MONTANA — The United Federation of Gym Teachers held a press conference today to express concern over the recent ban on shorts selling. Hygiene and comfort were both cited as issues under the new regulations. As long as the selling of new shorts is prohibited, physical education is expected to suffer.

“What business does the federal government have mandating basketball attire?” was the question posed by David Smalley, gym teacher at Mountain Bluff Junior High School. “It’s already become a problem during our dodge ball intramural league,” he said. Some kids have even started wearing jeans to P.E. classes, which gives them an advantage in many ball-to-skin contact sports.

Gym teachers across the country oppose the ban on shorts selling, but students seem unfazed. “I can totally wear these for another year,” said Wade Pritchett, seventh grader. Manufacturers of shorts are shifting current inventories to the far east, where the selling of shorts has yet to fall under state oversight.

Chinese Olympics Committee Offers Wall Street Help

BEIJING — In a show of friendship coupled with a desire to keep the world’s banking system from crumbling like a stale fortune cookie, the Chinese Olympic Committee (motto: “Phelps schmelps — what else ya got?”) - the organization responsible for putting on the successful Summer Olympic Games in Beijing as well as fielding China’s strong Olympic team - has offered to help Wall Street get back on the right track. Hari Chin, head of the committee, explained it to reporters this way: “Take away our ten-million-man army, 200 million sweatshop workers and 30 million incarcerated college students and we’re die-hard capitalists just like you Americans.”

Chin developed the program that made the Beijing Olympics a success and he was able to convince China’s government to drop its Internet censorship firewall for five seconds so he could send Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson an email outlining a similar five point plan he recommends to get the American economy performing like a Chinese high diver needing enough points to get a gold medal and avoid a career trawling for escaped alligators in Beijing’s sewage system. Here are the five recommendations from the email:

1. Pageantry. Get traders excited about the market again by replacing the boring opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange with five thousand cute young Broadway performers singing “If I Were A Rich Man.”

2. Intimidation. Like the Chinese athletes who psyched out their bigger and stronger opponents by repeating lines from Jet Li movies, investment bankers need to intimidate politicians, foreign investors and the FBI by getting Speedo to design a skin-tight pinstripe suit that looks like it can shave seconds off their trading times.

3. Training. Wall Street needs to scour the country for infants who show a preference for getting their daily nourishment from watching CNBC instead of breastfeeding and ship them off to secret training centers at the Harvard Business School where they will be isolated from reality and groomed for 20 years into world-class hedge fund managers.

4. Deception. Like the fake clean air piped into Beijing for two weeks from a remote village in Upper Mongolia, Wall Street needs to deceive the public into thinking everything is wonderful by pumping the smell of money through the ventilation systems in all U.S. banks, except for those in Texas which will pump the smell of oil.

5. Guilt. Just as the fabulous Olympic closing ceremonies made billions of people around the world feel guilty for not watching the Olympic games, Wall Street needs to end every trading day with a nationally-televised parade down Fifth Avenue (think Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with floats carrying people whose investments went up that day) making Americans feel guilty about not watching CNBC and investing in the market.

Chin also pointed out that it’s just a coincidence that these are the same five points he sent to Bill Belichick to help the Patriots overcome the loss of Tom Brady.

Your Weekly Business Horoscope

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Business is not your strong suit. Neither is pinstripe. It’s time to switch to a suit with your name permanently attached to the pocket.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Remember your face after hearing about Lehman Bothers? It will be perfect to carve in your Halloween pumpkin.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful when considering a move. Your Window of opportunity has been replaced by a Vista of opportunity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Now is not a good time to become a whistle blower. The Witness Protection Program is considering a round of cutbacks.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Assistance in installing a new home computer network is not always the best reason to have children.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If your performance is suffering from a “sophomore slump,” pretend you’re working in dog years.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Just because your boss says you’re all washed up, it doesn’t mean he’s planning to recommend you to “Dancing With The Stars.”

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Most highly effective people have seven habits. You need seven habits plus seven relatives in upper management.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Be wary of applying for work at a company whose executives spend their lunch hour playing Fantasy Layoff League.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Making friends at work is important. Just do it someplace other than in the rest room.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be careful what you store on your office computer. You know your boss is reading your email if the text suddenly @x&4)kl*4jk+”.,<Je$2.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Unless you’re running for vice president, don’t put those two years of college you wasted playing Monopoly on your resume as “financial management experience.”

Lehman Brothers Trades for Brett Favre

Financial giant Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. has traded $12 million in real estate assets to the New York Jets for quarterback Brett Favre.

Lehman chairman and CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr. stated that Favre’s expertise at improvising and making something out of nothing is sorely needed at Lehman Brothers in the wake of filing for the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. “All I know is that it’s fourth and long for Lehman. There’s no one else I’d rather trust to come through for us than Number Four,” Fuld said.

Though 38 years old, Favre is coming off one of his best seasons, in which he threw for 4,155 yards and 28 touchdowns, and paid off the mortgages on his vacation homes in Mississippi and Wisconsin. Favre is renowned for his last-second heroics and gunslinger attitude—a mindset which occasionally leads him to make ill-advised throws into double-coverage and award high-risk loans to questionable borrowers.

“I’m here to help Lehman Brothers win,” said Favre at his introductory press conference, where he appeared relaxed in his customary Wrangler jeans, gray T-shirt, stubble and aw-shucks grin. “There’s a lot of similarities between the West Coast Offense and running a global financial services firm. I’m still learning a lot of the terminology, but I think I can make some big plays for us down the road.”

Before he left the podium, a reporter asked Favre if he would commit to Lehman Brothers for more than one year.

“We’ll see,” Favre said.

Fed Refuses To Bail Out Emmy Awards

HOLLYWOOD, CA — In spite of drawing the lowest ratings in almost 20 years for the 60th anniversary broadcast of the gala ceremony, the Treasury Department has refused a request by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to bail out the Emmy Awards. “I enjoyed some of the show,” said Treasury Secretary Henry “It’s Hank - not Tank” Paulson. “It was nice to see Dick Nixon again in one of the funniest Laugh-In bits of all time. And that Heidi Klum reminds me of Sarah Palin on stilts - not that I’ve actually seen Sarah Palin on stilts.”

However, other segments of the telecast seemed to irritate Paulson. “Didn’t Candice Bergen play Murphy Brown? Who needs her? I wish I could hire Tommy Smothers just so I could fire his sorry yo-yo flinging ass! No wonder his mother liked Dickie best,” said the visibly red-faced Treasury Secretary. “And Alec Baldwin looks too much like Al Gore on a “the world’s coming to an end so I have to eat all the donuts I can” binge.”

When the head of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences told Paulson that the Emmy Award were too big to fail, Paulson asked, “Did you see Howie Mandel? After that sorry performance, I wouldn’t even bail out the banker on “Deal or No Deal.””

Members of the Academy immediately accused Paulson of having a bias against Hollywood. “Not true,” said Paulson. “I’m a big fan of “Mad Men.” Those were the days — booze, cigarettes, tight skirts and loose expense accounts. I’d kick another $100 billion into the bailout of we could bring those good old days back.” Paulson also pointed out that he’s a fan of other awards shows. “I love the Golden Globes,” he admitted. In fact, my favorite golden globes are the ones on Eva Longoria. Ba-da-bing! If the Emmy hosts had that kind of comedy, I’d bail them out in a Hollywood minute. Instead, I’m like the Soup Nazi on “Seinfeld.” No soup for you, Emmy Awards! Next!”

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