• Home
• About

Subscribe

ExxonMobil Buys Iceland For President Bush

IRVING, TX — One day after breaking its own record for the biggest U.S. quarterly profit ever, ExxonMobil Corporation (motto: Cheap Gas or Clean Restrooms — Make Up Your Mind!) announced it is buying the country of Iceland and giving it to President George W. Bush in appreciation for all he’s done for the company during the last eight years. “We got Iceland for less than you might expect,” said ExxonMobil spokesperson Phil Rupp. “With their recent financial problems, the Icelandic government was willing to let it go for $10 billion in cash, a year’s supply of gas and front-row seats to a Jonas Brothers concert. Oh, and we had to take Bjork off their hands.”

President Bush has hinted recently that he’s planning to sell his ranch in Crawford, Texas, after leaving the White House and is looking for another weekend getaway spot. He was initially disappointed when he heard about Iceland. “Isn’t that the state Sarah Palin’s from?” he asked Rupp. Mr. Bush warmed up to Iceland after hearing that the island’s recent financial crisis has crippled the country’s logging industry, giving him over 100,000 acres of brush to clear. The departing government also promised Mr. Bush it would change all of the country’s polysyllabic unpronounceable Norse city names to Lars.

Vice President Dick Cheney was visibly upset when he heard about the gift, since not only was he the real driving force behind ExxonMobil’s tax breaks, he’s the only member of the Bush administration who’s ever used an Exxon restroom. Cheney spends a few days every month in one near Washington since, as he puts it, “Even Osama bin Laden wouldn’t follow me in there.” Just as the vice president was picking up the phone to invite ExxonMobil’s CEO on a hunting trip, Phil Rupp was ushered into his office to present him with the keys to the Exxon Cheney, a 4,000-foot-long oil tanker the company is converting into the world’s largest bass boat.

Greenspan Dumps Ayn Rand For Anne Rice

WASHINGTON, DC — At a hastily-convened press conference near his old stomping grounds, the Federal Reserve Bank, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan announced he is ending his longtime allegiance to the philosophy and books of Ayn Rand and switching his commitment to horror novelist and born-again Catholic Anne Rice. “I have finally come to the realization that financial institutions are lead by a bunch of bloodsuckers,” said a pale black-clad Greenspan, “And nobody knows bloodsuckers better than Anne Rice.”

Greenspan was once a member of Ayn Rand’s inner circle and his autographed copy of “Atlas Shrugged” is inscribed: “To Alan, my little laissez fairy.” But the recent financial crisis has forced Greenspan to question Rand’s laissez-faire capitalism and look for a reason why his free market model stopped working. “I was in a bookstore moving copies of my memoir, “The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World,” from fiction to non-fiction when I picked up a copy of “Interview With The Vampire.” By Chapter 2 I knew that Lestat was a brilliant metaphor for Lehman Brothers, and the blood he gorged on symbolized subprime mortgages drenched in red ink. That’s when I found my new Ayn.” Greenspan left the bookstore with copies of all of Rice’s books, making him the only person outside of Rice’s family to actually buy “Blackwood Farm.”

When told of Greenspan’s newfound love of her works, a horrified Anne Rice was seen running to the nearest church screaming “Bless me Father for I have sinned!” Andrea Mitchell, Greenspan’s wife and longtime NBC News political correspondent, blames the conversion on Greenspan’s recent testimony before Congress. “I know the feeling,” said Mitchell. “After a couple of hours with Barney Frank, I’m ready to trade my Wall Street Journal for “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.””

Followers of Rand are hoping Greenspan comes to his senses and returns to the fold soon. Ayn Rand Institute spokesperson Dayn Rogers put it this way: “Our annual Anti-Christmas Party won’t be the same without Alan dancing around with that fake faucet stuck to his forehead, yelling “Look, I’m a Fountainhead!”

Ten Reasons To Stick With Vista

REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”

While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.

1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.

2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?

3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.

4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?

5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?

6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.

7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.

8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?

9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.

10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.

Automotive Slump Forces Cup Holder Makers To Diversify

DETROIT, MI — With the American automotive industry in its biggest slump since drivers looked under the hood of a Chevy Vega and found chewing gum, auto parts suppliers are preparing for the worst as the car crash trickles down to them. No suppliers are more terrified than the makers of the ubiquitous American car cup holders.

Jody Plummer, president of Big Gulp Grabbers, is frustrated with the auto industry. “We tried convincing the Japanese carmakers to add more cup holders, but they claim to have studies showing that hybrid drivers are afraid of spilling coffee and shorting out their engines.” Plummer is hoping to expand into the golf cart market. “If you leave out one driver and a 7-iron, our 128-ounce cup holder is perfect for a golf bag.”

Other cup holder makers are moving out of the auto industry completely. “We’re talking to blue jeans manufacturers about replacing that silly little change pocket with a cup holder,” says Del Coe, president of Texas Hold-ems. “Cover it with denim and rivets and it blends right in. By next spring, everybody will be wearing Levis 5-0-Water-Bottles.”

Frustrated space tourist Harry “Call Me Mister” Spawque was hoping to sell his company, “I Wanna Hold Your Cup,” to pay for a trip to the International Space Station. With his company stock now worth less than Walter Chekov action figures, Spawque plans to travel there in spirit by equipping Russian space capsules with cup holders. “The Russians hate spilling vodka,” says Spawque.

The Big Three (or possibly Big Two with a remote chance of Big One) are nervous that all of the cup holder suppliers will move out of Detroit, leaving them holding the cups. Ford spokesperson Dawn Paemence warns it could be the straw that breaks the mustang’s back. “Cup holders, wide-screen DVD players and large-rump heated seats are the only reason anyone buys American anymore.”

Book Jacket Review - “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life”

With my credit cards maxed out, checking account emptied out and all my watches pawned out, I can’t afford $35 to buy “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” and find out how he overcame similar obstacles to become the richest man on the planet who never sold drugs … well, I can’t verify that because I can’t afford the book. However, I managed to spend a few minutes in my favorite brick-and-mortar bookstore drinking coffee and pretending to read the book like everyone else in the place who’s too young to remember libraries. I had barely skimmed the jacket before the clerk snatched the book away and brushed off the crumbs from the cookie I smuggled in from home … have you priced the biscotti lately? So, here’s my review of the book jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” by Alice Schroeder.

Warren Buffett must be old because his cover picture is in the shadows - like those publicity shots they do of Hollywood actresses once they reach 30. I guess he wants us to think he’s frugal because he’s wearing reading glasses that went out of style with papyrus.

On the inside front flap, it says that Buffett is known as “The Oracle of Omaha.” Talk about lucky. Had his parents moved a few miles away, he could have ended up as “The Lunatic of Lincoln.” The flap says this is a “great American story.” I guess that means Sarah Palin is probably reading a copy purchased for her by the Republican National Committee.

The back flap shows a picture of author Alice Schroeder and says she was a noted insurance industry analyst and writer who was a managing director at Morgan Stanley. Apparently when you write a book you get to write the glowing flap copy too. She first met Warren Buffett when she published research on Berkshire Hathaway and they’ve been friends ever since. That means she didn’t find any pictures of him playing bridge with Bill Gates and a couple of strippers … or if she did, she’s saving them for a much bigger advance. According to the flap, Ms. Schroeder was born in Texas and now lives in Connecticut. She probably moved there hoping she’d someday get the nickname “The Bard of Bridgeport.”

All in all, the jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” was a thought-provoking flap-turner from start to finish. I highly recommend it to anyone who has already read everything in the basket in the bathroom.

Top 5 Hot Jobs for the Rest of 2008

Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high paying jobs you can get now.

Arsonist
While torching soon-to-be foreclosed homes and cars may seem like a no-brainer, many people just don’t have the stomach for it. That’s where you come in. As a professional arsonist you can command a healthy fee for a job that doesn’t take long and offers a flexible schedule. Start small by offering your to burn down the neighbors tool shed – you know he’s not current on those riding lawn mower payments!

Piggy Bank Mosaic Artist
Now is the time to get into the mosaic business. With more people breaking into their piggy banks, ceramic shards are everywhere and free for the taking. Because this is technically recycling, you may be able to get your hands on some government grants. And remember, soup bowls will be in demand.

Hummer Converter
Construction work may be hard to come by, but clever carpenters can make big bucks converting gas-guzzling Hummers into livable residences. Roomier than a refrigerator box and cheaper to heat than a trailer, converted Hummers are the perfect solution for those who once lived beyond their means.

Husband to Madonna
With Guy Ritchie out of the picture, this field is wide open. However, be warned that Madonna’s lack of preference for gender will create fierce competition for this position. If Madonna’s taken, try for Cloris Leachman. (Some dancing ability may be required.) Either way, make sure to renew your subscription to AARP magazine and clip your Poligrip coupons first.

Professional Vetter
After the mayhem over McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate, politicians everywhere are taking more interest in the backgrounds of those they associate with. Work is everywhere. All you have to do is uncover dirty little secrets. Somewhere there’s a PTA board member who hates arts and crafts, a Toyota salesman driving a Prius, and guy dating Jennifer Aniston, but pining for Brad Pitt.

The Association for American Opportunists encourages job seekers to remember that old rules do not apply. Suits and ties say ‘I’m a liar who’ll steal your money and sabotage your economy’. Now is the time to dumb down your knowledge of the English language and get a new tattoo. Carrying a 6-pack can’t hurt either. If you’re lucky and work hard, you may just get one of those high falutin’ plumber jobs one day.

Vatican City Stock Market Soars

VATICAN CITY — Bucking the downward spiral of virtually every other nation’s stock market, the Vatican City Stock Exchange and Souvenir Shop (VCSESS) posted its seven-thousand-nine-hundredth straight quarter of growth. “That’s 1,975 straight years,” said Father Earl “Father” Hines, the Vatican’s Treasury Secretary. “Contrary to what President Bush says, I think we know who God is investing in.”

Vatican City, the world’s smallest country, also has the world’s smallest stock market. The S&PP (Saints & Poor People) Index consists of the country’s three largest corporations: Heavenly Holy Water, Icons R Us and ExorcismCrafters. “With the price of holy water at over $100 a barrel, HHW had another record year,” said Father Hines. “Icons R Us got a big boost from Pope Benedict naming some new saints, and the whole “good versus evil” mindset these days has made ExorcismCrafters virtually recession-proof.”

Stocks on the VCSESS are traded on the floor in the back room of the Sistine Candles souvenir shop near St. Peter’s Square. With the rest of the world’s markets in freefall, the phone at the shop has been ringing off the hook. “Everybody wantsa pizza da pie,” said shop and stock exchange manager Tony Alto in the fake Italian accent he uses for tourists. “Dat wise guy Paulson, always asking for my home phone number. He’s such a meatball.”

Father Hines says there’s no secret to the success of the Vatican City economy. “It’s simple. We pray every morning for world peace. We pray at noon for food for everyone. We pray every night for a good life for all peoples. Oh, and we never buy derivatives.”

Paulson and Bernanke Deny “Bromance”

WASHINGTON, DC — Despite persistent rumors in the Washington Post and constant Internet buzz to the contrary, Treasury Secretary Henry “Bald Is Beautiful” Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben “Beard Is Beautiful” Bernanke deny they are having a “bromance.” “Unless that means we’ve shared an occasional Scotch and Bromo Seltzer, it’s a bunch of hooey,” Bernanke told reporters from the Wall Street Journal and People magazine camped outside his office.

Friends of both men confirm the bromance, but declined to comment on record. “Those two are like Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby, only without the sexual innuendos … unless you count that costume party when they painted nipples on their bald heads and came as Dolly Parton’s chest,” said a former Fed chairman who was succeeded by Bernanke. “If their lives were a sitcom, it’d be called ‘How I Met Your Broker’.”

“I can’t believe they get along so well because they’re total opposites. I nicknamed them the Odd Lot Couple,” said the CEO of a firm that rhymes with Boldman Whacks. “Hank’s office looks like the Three Stooges had a paper fight there, while you could eat off of Ben’s floor. In fact, that’s one of the things he makes people do before they can get an appointment to see him.”

Even President Bush has seen evidence of a Paulson-Bernanke bromance. “When they were workin’ on the bailout, they were stuck together like two peas on a baby, or somethin’ like that.”

Both men’s wives refused to comment on the bromance, but each admitted they’ve spent a lot of time together recently watching Oprah, eating cookie dough and filling out Cosmo quizzes.

Top Ten Ways “The Office” Is Better Than Your Office

10. At your office, “walking on hot coals” is not a fun team-building motivational exercise, nor is it an acceptable excuse for leaving your desk early when the building is on fire.

9. On “The Office,” the food served at office parties has the vending machine wrappers removed.

8. At your office, the temps make more than you do even before they get promoted to your boss’ job.

7. On “The Office,” putting a co-worker’s phone in a block of Jell-o does not end in crying, bloodshed or a rush to the hospital with a secretary suffering from a lime allergy.

6. The inflatable doll belonging to the warehouse guys in your office does not have lunchroom privileges.

5. On “The Office,” doing crossword puzzles during meetings is a sign of rebellion, not a feeble attempt to hide the fact that you’re the only person without a Blackberry to text your friends.

4. In your office, being the only sane person is grounds for termination.

3. On “The Office,” looking over someone’s shoulder at their computer screen never ends with the words, “Can someone help me find my eyeball?”

2. At your office, the only time you get invited to a party at a senior executive’s house is when he can’t get an ice sculpture.

1. On “The Office,” office inter-employee romances are not only allowed, they’re encouraged, debated and occasionally wagered on.

Pitt and Clooney are ‘Hard on Cash’

NEW YORK, NY – CNBC announced today they will roll out new financial program ‘Hard on Cash’, starring Brat Pitt and George Clooney. The network hopes to capture market share among female viewers by featuring Pitt and Clooney covering topics related to household finances while wearing unbuttoned shirts and tight fitting trousers.

Clooney draws on his experience playing a TV doctor to help families decrease health care costs by teaching families how to provided their own medical treatment. Pitt is expected to focus on managing the household budget while raising 612 kids.

You won’t catch CNBC’s other popular Money Honeys, Erin Burnett and Maria Bartiromo, working with Clooney and Pitt. “They’re very small men who would look like midgets next to the ladies,” said a network executive. “Besides Angelina Jolie has forbidden Pitt to appear on screen with another woman, including Clooney in drag.”

While the primary audience for ‘Hard on Cash’ will be female, the network also hopes to appeal to a male audience with such features as how to make your annual salary in one casino heist, buying your next Italian villa at below market price, and saving money by only shaving every other day.

Next Page »

Advertisement

Copyright © 2008 Capitalist Banter · Log in