CEO’s Guide to Successful Blogging
August 29, 2008
Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spending too much time on the yacht) you know that cutting edge CEOs are blogging. And if Mark Cuban can do it, so can you. Here are a few tips for successful blogging.
- Learn the lingo
A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week. - Strike the right balance
It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ - all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity. - Stick to business
While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather. - Know that you’re not cool
No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying. - Never talk money
Your own that is - no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.
Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.
U.S. News Ranks America’s Best Degree Mills
August 26, 2008
NEW YORK, NY – U.S. News & World Report (motto: “Longest Name Of The Leading News Magazines”) has followed up its popular annual U.S. News America’s Best Colleges issue with a controversial report that should nonetheless attract many new readers to the news weekly. U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills ranks the top 100 places in the U.S. to purchase a bachelor’s, master’s or doctorate degree in any discipline. “Most of these diploma factories will sell you a cheap-looking mass-produced fake sheepskin for under a hundred bucks,” said Mel Grizflore, the U.S. News journalist who headed up the survey. “My staff spent an entire year analyzing these places of lower learning to help Americans make an educated decision when lying about their education.”
At the top of the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills list is Hardvard University, the ironically-self-proclaimed “Yale of Unaccredited Colleges.” Based in a storefront near the actual Harvard University in Massachusetts, Hardvard offers high-quality counterfeit diplomas in all subjects, online fake records and reunions every five years based on your purchase date - all for $5,000. “For another $1,000, they’ll provide school newspaper clippings of your feats on the football team, a letter sweater, fraternity pins and a picture of you receiving an award from a dean,” said Grizflore. “It’s actually a Photoshopped image of you and James Dean in a beard, which makes it legal.”
Students on a tighter budget can purchase a degree from Florida A&B, a non-accredited fine arts school and bait shop near Miami. For about $500, Florida A&B provides a bachelor’s degree in fine arts, a picture of you in the school production of “Hamlet” and a certificate verifying that you paid off your student loan. “Florida A&B is the party school of degree mills,” said Grizflore. “Every degree is delivered with a free six-pack and a photo of you passed out on a dorm room floor.”
Regular subscribers of U.S. News & World Report are aghast at the new report, but that doesn’t faze Griflore or his editor, Margaret Ashbirch. “It’s no secret the magazine industry is hurting,” said Ashbirch. “It was either this or those smelly aftershave inserts, and our readers aren’t the Old Spice types.”
Other leading national magazines are watching U.S. News & World Report closely. If the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills is a success, Forbes plans to do special edition in the fall called The Forbes Top 100 Companies Led By A CEO With A Fake Degree and Fortune is considering a survey of the best fake resume writers.
Oil of Olay Reports Record Quarterly Profits
July 31, 2008
CINCINNATI, OH - Proving once again that a rising slick lifts all barges, Oil of Olay joined Exxon Mobil in reporting record quarterly profits. While not in Exxon’s $11.7 billion ballpark, Oil of Olay’s $73,967.52 was the company’s best quarter since the Botox shortage of 2005 and beat the previous record caused by the dermatologist strike in 1992. CEO Bob “Eppy” Durm thanked the company’s loyal customers for sticking with Oil of Olay despite recent price increases instead of switching to low-cost alternatives such as petroleum jelly, cream cheese or lard.
Experts in the facial moisturizer sector of the oil business differ in their reasons for Oil of Olay’s record performance. “It’s all about demand,” says economist Rex Barxoff. “Beijing’s air pollution is prematurely wrinkling the skin of Chinese women and millions of them are paying premium prices for skin products.” This may explain why Oil of Olay is the main sponsor of televised coverage of the Olympic women’s marathon.
“It’s the moisturizer speculation market,” argues stock analyst Zephrim Abraham. “Ever since the government required Olay to add 10 percent creamed corn in their product, speculators have been driving up the price in anticipation of a fight between the face cream and petroleum industries over corn.” Farmers tend to side with Olay in the corn battle because of heavy marketing of the product in the Corn Belt as a soothing balm for hot red necks.
Oil of Olay’s future profits may be hurt by recent accusations of war profiteering. Investigative reporters in Iraq found that female soldiers were buying Olay instead of using Army-issued MRTS - moisturizers ready to spread. While the company denies the accusations, it cannot reveal exactly which soldiers have switched to Oil of Olay because of the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
Class of 2025 Predicts Careers
July 23, 2008
CLEVELAND, OH - Children attending the Block-N-Roll Hall of Fame Day Care center in Cleveland, Ohio, were asked to put down their blocks, pick up their crayons and predict what jobs they would like to have when they graduate from college in the year 2025. Kids wearing “My Daddy Belongs To The UAW” T-shirts were told to pretend their daddies will be able to afford to send them to college. Here are some of the careers Generation Z+3 see themselves in and a few explanations for their choices:
Rich guy
Rich woman
Son of rich guy (child always in “time-out”)
Married to rich guy
Married to gay rich guy
Bodyguard for rich guy (Dad’s in UAW)
Lobbyist (Dad’s in jail)
Pro basketball player (exchange student from Lithuania)
Pro bowler (not an exchange student)
Smart rich guy who bails out dumb rich guys
Dumb rich guy who gets richer after being bailed out by not-so-smart rich guy
First woman president (girl named Hillary)
First transgender president (someone named Hillary)
First goofy-looking president with hot wife (nephew of Dennis Kucinich)
First goofy-looking president with hot husband (niece of Dennis Kucinich)
Inventor of solar-powered mechanical heart (exchange student from India)
Inventor of solar-powered brewery (not an exchange student)
Day care center owner (child of day care center owner)
Inventor of cure for diaper rash (child still not potty trained)
Britney Spears (child who refuses to wear pants)
Tom Cruise Abandons Scientology To Start New Church With Oprah
July 15, 2008
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — Ever since the day he stomped all over her couch in a proclamation of love for Katie Holmes, Oprah has been trying to win Tom Cruise over to her new church, which unofficial representatives describe as a cross sampling of all world religions with an emphasis on purchasing books to assist in the spiritual journey.
“It’s not a lot different than the Scientology model,” said an inside source who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s been scientologically proven that buying books gets one closer to God.” While leaving the fate of one’s eternal soul up to chance may be risky business, Oprah is going to make sure that doesn’t happen to any of her millions of fans – or Tom’s.
The anonymous source told this reporter: “She’s found in Tom a proven evangelical - almost messianic - quality that will take this new venture to the next level.” A television program featuring Holmes in false eyelashes and a purple wig is currently in development. Church names under consideration include Chisteojudaslamism and Budisikianity.
Baby Names To Avoid For Business Success
July 11, 2008
CAMBRIDGE, MA - The group Daft and Unusual Monikers for Babies (DUMB), an organization of Harvard MBA recipients dedicated to propagating their species, has completed a six-month study on the effect of a baby’s name on his or her future success in the business world. Names of the children and grandchildren of Harvard MBA recipients and anyone whose unusual name is followed by “III” or “IV” were eliminated from consideration. After taking into consideration the current economic situation, DUMB released this list of names to avoid if you want your child to grow up to become a CEO, billionaire or defense contractor:
Freddie (also Frederick and Freda)
Mac (also Mackenzie and MacDonald)
Fannie (also Fantasia, Fandango and Fang)
Mae (also May, Maynard and Mae B.)
Ethel
Diesel
Sal (only if last name is Minella)
Tank
Crash (even if he’s clumsy)
Star (only if last name is Buck)
China (especially if baby has red hair)
Bear (unless it’s short for Barack)
G.M. (no matter what the letters stand for)
S.U.V. (see G.M.)
N.R.G. (you get the idea)
Yale (also Cornell, Brownie and Penny)
Britney
Four Minute Work Week Gains Momentum
July 9, 2008
SIOUX CITY — Hot on the heels of Timothy Ferriss’s popular Four Hour Work Week, a new business tome promises better. Not a Minute Longer, by Shannon Bailey spells out a plan for working a maximum of four minutes a week.
“Who’s got four hours to work?” asked Bailey, who wrote the book with the help of a ghostwriter who she admits may have worked more than four minutes a week while writing the book. “But at four cents and hour, you can afford to outsource.”
Bailey’s plan includes socking away several million dollars, because collected interest consumes very little time. “When you have enough money, everything can be delegated.”
Top Ten Jobs For The Rest Of 2008
June 27, 2008
10. Bush/Cheney bumper sticker scraper
9. Tomato taster
8. Britney Spears spotter
7. Home school janitor
6. Smart Car washer
5. Dead pet funeral director
4. Priscilla Presley impersonator
3. Medicare-sponsored tattoo artist
2. iPhone addiction counselor
1. Gas Station Sign Price Changer
Wal-Mart Explores Indentured Servitude Employment Model
May 15, 2008
Bentonville, AR - For years Amanda Jacobson paid no attention the vagrants outside the Wal-Mart store she managed. Short of staff, and with no budget for more, suddenly the Will Work For Food sign held by a crippled veteran took on new meaning.
“I asked the bakery for the week old yeast rolls and headed outside,” Ms. Jacobson told reporters. “It was the beginning of a great relationship for the homeless and Wal-Mart. It’s a real win-win situation.”
Hiring panhandlers to work for food has proven to be a successful pilot program in several Wal-Mart stores. All amounts eaten are carefully tracked and translated into hours owed the company. The world’s largest retailer is known for keeping prices low for the consumer. This is just another aggressive price cutting strategy. “We think it’s genius,” said North American People Management Director, Walt Thompson. “This represents an amazing opportunity to help those in need while driving down prices and ensuring we’ve got the bodies to serve our customers.”
Thompson is working with the legal and tax divisions of the retail giant to determine if food distribution under the new employment model qualifies as a charitable tax deduction. Plans are already underway to expand the program.
Young mother Courtney Potter looks forward to the work-for-diapers program. “They don’t even make you interview,” she said.
Ohio Man Promotes Home-Based Oil Business
May 14, 2008
Rusty Grove, OH - With the price of a barrel of crude oil approaching $130, it’s not hard to see why thousands of wanna-be oil barons are flocking to the small Cleveland suburb of Rusty Grove and forking over $500 for a seat in a seminar called “How To Start Your Own Home-Based Oil Business” put on by Harold “Don’t Call Me Crude” Solowski, the self-proclaimed “Sheik of Shaker Heights.”
Solowski knows why the crowd is there. “Who wants to live in house with a snow machine in the attic so you can ski all year round? How would you like to drive a Rolls Royce to the bowling alley? Wanna see my titanium American Express card? That’s what oil can do for you!” Read more
