Thousands See Adam Smith’s Face In Toasted Bagel
September 29, 2008
NEW YORK, NY — Thousands of depressed Wall Street traders, portfolio managers and investment bankers have flocked to a small bagel shop on Broadway to see a toasted bagel that appears to be burned with the face of Adam Smith, the father of free market economics. “It’s a sign!” cried ex-Lehman Brothers employee Scott Remkluy. “Adam is coming back to help us through this mess!” “It’s a miracle!” exclaimed former Washington Mutual vice president Les Imtrew, in New York looking for work selling fake leather briefcases on the street. “It’s bunk!” yelled an unnamed long-haired bearded man wearing a sheet and carrying a sign that read, “The end is near - buy me a beer!”
Murray Johnstein, owner of the Hello Jelly bagel shop, says he saw the unusual bagel while filling an order for a sesame-toasted-with-a-schmear. “It’s a good thing I didn’t schmear,” said Murray. “I can buy a lot of cream cheese with what these crazy bankers are offering to pay for that bagel.” At first, Johnstein didn’t know whose picture was toasted on the bagel, but a number of out-of-work Wall Streeters in the shop for the “Free bagel if you show your old Bear Stearns badge” promotion immediately recognized the regulations-eating grin of Adam Smith.
Both Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson refused to examine the bagel to determine if it is indeed Adam Smith and if might have miraculous powers. That hasn’t stopped the parade of believers through Hello Jelly to view the toasted treat. Johnstein has placed the bagel in a glass case to protect it from unemployed traders trying to rub Adam’s face on their now-silent Blackberries. Johnstein plans to put the bagel up for bids on eBay, but will wait until all of the tortillas, pieces of toast and grass-stained pants adorned with the faces of Jesus, Mary and Abraham Lincoln are auctioned off to avoid competition.
Chinese Olympics Committee Offers Wall Street Help
September 24, 2008
BEIJING — In a show of friendship coupled with a desire to keep the world’s banking system from crumbling like a stale fortune cookie, the Chinese Olympic Committee (motto: “Phelps schmelps — what else ya got?”) - the organization responsible for putting on the successful Summer Olympic Games in Beijing as well as fielding China’s strong Olympic team - has offered to help Wall Street get back on the right track. Hari Chin, head of the committee, explained it to reporters this way: “Take away our ten-million-man army, 200 million sweatshop workers and 30 million incarcerated college students and we’re die-hard capitalists just like you Americans.”
Chin developed the program that made the Beijing Olympics a success and he was able to convince China’s government to drop its Internet censorship firewall for five seconds so he could send Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson an email outlining a similar five point plan he recommends to get the American economy performing like a Chinese high diver needing enough points to get a gold medal and avoid a career trawling for escaped alligators in Beijing’s sewage system. Here are the five recommendations from the email:
1. Pageantry. Get traders excited about the market again by replacing the boring opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange with five thousand cute young Broadway performers singing “If I Were A Rich Man.”
2. Intimidation. Like the Chinese athletes who psyched out their bigger and stronger opponents by repeating lines from Jet Li movies, investment bankers need to intimidate politicians, foreign investors and the FBI by getting Speedo to design a skin-tight pinstripe suit that looks like it can shave seconds off their trading times.
3. Training. Wall Street needs to scour the country for infants who show a preference for getting their daily nourishment from watching CNBC instead of breastfeeding and ship them off to secret training centers at the Harvard Business School where they will be isolated from reality and groomed for 20 years into world-class hedge fund managers.
4. Deception. Like the fake clean air piped into Beijing for two weeks from a remote village in Upper Mongolia, Wall Street needs to deceive the public into thinking everything is wonderful by pumping the smell of money through the ventilation systems in all U.S. banks, except for those in Texas which will pump the smell of oil.
5. Guilt. Just as the fabulous Olympic closing ceremonies made billions of people around the world feel guilty for not watching the Olympic games, Wall Street needs to end every trading day with a nationally-televised parade down Fifth Avenue (think Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with floats carrying people whose investments went up that day) making Americans feel guilty about not watching CNBC and investing in the market.
Chin also pointed out that it’s just a coincidence that these are the same five points he sent to Bill Belichick to help the Patriots overcome the loss of Tom Brady.
Missing SEC Chairman’s whereabouts discovered
September 22, 2008
As Wall Street continues its stunning downward spiral, many investors and former regulators have been discussing the actions (or lack thereof) of the Chairman of the Securities and Exchange commissioner Chris Cox. Wall Street’s “top cop” has been available in recent days as the full brunt of the crisis has unfolded. But two weeks ago, Cox was a near invisible man in the financial sector. Reporters, investors and politicians have been wondering where Cox has been. Now, due to some intrepid reporting, Cox’s whereabouts have been determined.
As it turns out Chris Cox has spent the last 2 years traveling the highways and byways of America following Austin TX based country music stalwarts Asleep at the Wheel. Front man for Asleep at the Wheel Ray Benson said of his biggest fan, “Man, he’s seen us play “The Letter That Johnny Walker Read” at least 30 times this year!”
Indeed Chris Cox has spent months and months wandering from venues like Branson Missouri’s’ Silver Dollar City to Tulsa Oklahoma’s Million Dollar Elm Casino completely enraptured with the sounds of Country and Western swing.
When reached for comment on this shocking development, Chris Cox said “When George brought me on in 2005, I agreed to take the job only if I was able to have enough time for personal projects. George asked me what kind of personal projects I had in mind and I told him ‘I’ll probably be at Asleep at the Wheel’. He just smiled and told me that’s what he had in mind the whole time.”
Mother of Fannie Mae Writes Tell-All Book
September 10, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC — Lynnie Mae, the mother of troubled mortgage lender Fannie Mae, has written her daughter’s side of the story in a new tell-all book called “Through the Foreclosure.” Published by Time/Life Books, the tome will be available only via television commercials run between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m.
This is the first time Lynnie Mae has entered the public eye - in fact, most people assume Fannie Mae is the adopted daughter of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. She decided to write the book in response to the ugly rumors she’s been reading about her daughter in the tabloids - a term she uses for both the National Enquirer and the Wall Street Journal.
The 246-page book traces Fannie Mae’s life starting with her early years, when she was the friend of all the boys coming back from World War II who were looking for a date with a cute girl with money. Fannie soon became the most popular teen on the block, to the dismay of her friends who belonged to the Young Republicans Club, who Lynnie blames for spreading nasty lies and trying to ruin her daughter’s reputation.
According to the advanced copy of “Through the Foreclosure” obtained by CapitalistBanter.com, while Lynnie Mae gave Fannie her blessing when her daughter left their modest-and-fully-paid-for home in Virginia and moved to Washington, D.C., she was soon shocked by Fannie’s behavior, especially the cover photos on Forbes and Fortune showing Fannie getting out of the Federal Reserve Chairman’s car wearing no underwear. Lynnie writes that this was not the daughter she raised - the one who was once so modest she knitted a cover for the rear of her piggy bank.
Things only got worse during Fannie Mae’s brief but tumultuous marriage to Freddie Mac. Lynnie blames him for the problems of their children, whom she affectionately refers to as “my little grand-mortgages.” The kids were a handful from the start, as Lynnie describes in a sad-yet-hilarious story about a birthday party, a clown and thousands of popped balloons.
Lynnie credits the intervention of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson for saving her daughter’s life. In the final chapter, she predicts the comeback of a healthy and vibrant Fannie Mae, once again the most popular girl in the neighborhood. Lynnie even concedes that, although she didn’t like him at first, she’s accepted Fannie’s new Chinese boyfriend and his huge rich family.
The New York Times Book Review is calling “Through the Foreclosure” the “feel-good hit of the recession” and will debut it at Number One on both the hardcover and business best-seller lists.
Blue Cross and Blue Shield Targets the Gangsta Market
August 26, 2008
“With the rising fuel costs, gangs are going to jog-by shootings. That means their members need to be in tip top physical shape,” says BCBS spokesperson Emma Johnson. “More and more of the gangs are requiring physicals before you join and we want to tap the market while it’s hot.”
“Yeah, we tried rolling in a Prius but there ain’t even enough room up in there for a dozen AK-47-s. Man need a rocket launcher, he can forget about it,” gang leader Smokey D told us. “Now we got a weight room and some souped up treadmills. We just grab a gun and some Nikes and we’re ready to rumble.”
Then new True Blue Gangsta physicals will include cholesterol screening, a high blood pressure and diabetes check and a thorough cardio screening for half the price of a normal physical. The thing that makes the new plan so affordable is that there will be no testing for drugs or STD’s. “Our customers will only be paying for the services they need,” stated Ms. Johnson. “It’s a win-win situation.”
BCBS is currently offering this pilot program in Los Angeles and New York City only. They anticipate a 32% increase in sales this quarter and an even bigger jump next year when they will offer their program to gangs in all 50 states.
Warren Buffet Buys Chinese Women’s Gymnastics Team
August 22, 2008
OMAHA, NE — Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffet has purchased the entire Chinese women’s gymnastics team for an undisclosed sum and will use them to establish a Gold Medal Hedge Fund for the 2012 Summer Olympics. “I’m an American and I support the American athletes,” explained Buffet. “But I lost my shirt betting against Gates on women’s gymnastics and I won’t let that happen again.”
Buffet was referring to his friend and fellow billionaire Bill Gates. The two have temporarily ditched their weekly bridge game for some not-so-friendly wagering on the Summer Olympics. “I lost big on the U.S. sprint relay teams, but that’s different,” said Buffet. “Anybody can drop a baton, just like Bill dropped the ball on Vista.”
Buffet and Gates refuse to say how much they wager on Olympic events, but it is assumed to be tied to the price of gold, currently selling for around $830 an ounce. “Let’s just say we use a scale that would hold the entire Russian weightlifting team,” joked Buffet.
Buffet bet on the American women’s gymnastics team and, while picking up a few wins in the individual events, lost heavily on the team competitions. That’s when he came up with the idea for the Gold Medal Hedge Fund. “Everybody knows those Chinese girls are only 14, maybe even 10 or 12” said Buffet. “They’ll still be watching Sesame Street in 2012, so they’re a sure thing to be on the team.”
The Gold Medal Hedge Fund will pay for the housing, food and training of the Chinese women’s team for four years. “Berkshire owns Chun King so I get a great deal on food,” said Buffet. While maintaining their current high level of training, Buffet will reward the young gymnasts with one Snickers bar a day. “I think we own them too,” he said.
Even at only one a day, four years of Snickers bars means the 2012 Chinese women’s gymnastics team should resemble the 2012 Chinese women’s shot put team. “Even those blind judges from Uzbekistan will see them roll off the balance beam,” said Buffet. “Next time we bet, I’ll have Gates over a pommel horse.”
Bill Gates was not available for comment on Buffet’s Gold Medal Hedge Fund. He was rumored to be working on his own Olympic fund called Phelps Futures.
Donald Trump Offers To Buy Cleveland, Lease It Back
August 15, 2008
Surprised and elated by the unusually positive feedback he’s getting for helping out Ed McMahon by buying Ed’s foreclosed Beverly Hills mansion and leasing it back to him, Donald Trump has offered to buy Cleveland - the U.S. city hardest hit by the mortgage crisis - and lease it back to its residents. “I don’t really know Cleveland,” said The Donald. “Is that the one with the burning river or the polka museum?” When informed that both were true, Trump said, “Well, I’d be honored to help anyway.”
Former Cleveland mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is rumored to be behind the deal. He and Trump were spotted last week leaving the same Manhattan hair salon, The Flying Carpet. Kucinich is hoping the buyout will propel him to a Democratic presidential nomination in 2012, or at least a spot on “Dancing With The Stars.”
Trump has not disclosed how he will finance the buyout, other than to say he plans to check out the Cleveland housing market by renting “The Christmas Story,” a popular movie filmed in Cleveland. “Maybe I can get them to throw in an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock,” hinted The Donald.
Cleveland residents have mixed feelings about Trump buying their city. “I don’t really know Donald Trump,” said lifelong Cleveland resident Ed ‘The Cougher’ Flembowski. “Is he the one with the funny hair or the bad attitude?” When informed that both were true, Flembowski said, “Well, we’ll take what we can get. Does he like bowling?” Others were not so enthusiastic. “I’m not paying rent to a New York Yankees fan,” said Veronica ‘Lake’ Ephect. “Next he’ll probably try and buy LeBron James and lease him back to us.” When told of her comment, Trump asked for Veronica’s phone number so he could call and thank her for the idea.
Business leaders in Cleveland are excited about having the real estate mogul as their new landlord. “Maybe he’ll turn Cleveland into another Atlantic City,” said local accordion maker B.R. Barrell. “All we need are some casinos. We’ve already got the hookers and seedy hotels.”
Alan Greenspan Denies ‘Love Child’ Is His
August 11, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is denying reports he fathered a love child with Chelsea “Bubbles” Seshon, a dancer at Washington’s famous “Fannies May Show” strip club. “I named my daughter Rhea Seshon after her father, Alan Greenspan,” Bubbles told reporters during a break in a 20-showgirl dance number called “Sex and the Capitol City.” Seshon is demanding that Greenspan pay child support of $10,000 per month and compensate her for all of the sequined pasties she can no longer wear because she’s nursing.
Greenspan told reporters that he is not the father of Rhea Seshon and has never met her mother, Bubbles. “While I maintain the inherent falsehood of issuants pertaining to said offspring of this garment-removing chorine, I admit I have occasionally imbibed in spirits and partook in periods of irrational exuberance at the establishment of her employ,” Greenspan said in his typical confusing fashion. “However, I’m flattered that said Jezebel thinks I’m still hot.”
Greenspan’s wife, NBC News Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell, was caught completely off-guard by the story. “I want to believe Alan, but I don’t know much about domestic affairs,” said Mitchell. She was seen leaving an electronics store near the FBI headquarters with John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth. Both were carrying bags of what appeared to be tiny surveillance cameras, fingerprinting kits and boxes of “DNADIY,” the home version of the FBI’s paternity-testing equipment.
Current Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed confidence that his old friend will prove his innocence in this affair. “Alan and I have spent many afternoons at strip clubs discussing the economy. They’re great places to determine the true value of a strategically-placed dollar bill. I don’t ever recall Alan spending any time with Bubbles, and neither one of us had anything to do with her Asian half-cousin, How Sing Bubbles.”
Business Week Magazine has offered Bubbles a million dollars for the first pictures of Rhea Seshon to put on its cover. She’s still waiting for offers from Fortune, Forbes and the Wall Street Journal, which is also interested in an editorial page foldout of Bubbles performing at “Fannies May Show.”
Mark Cuban Makes Offer To Buy Freddie Mac
August 4, 2008
DALLAS, TX - While waiting for the Tribune Company and Major League Baseball to make up their minds about letting him buy the Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks’ billionaire owner Mark Cuban decided to step out of the sports world for a minute and make an offer to buy Freddie Mac. Even though the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation is not officially up for sale, that has never stopped Cuban before. After being eliminated from “Dancing With The Stars” in 2007, Cuban tried to buy the program and change the rules to give extra points to dancers who had hip replacements or were worth more than the rest of the contestants combined.
At his press conference, Cuban refused to divulge the amount of his offer for Freddie Mac, but he was more than happy to expound on what its problems are and what he plans to do with it. “The problem is the f***ing referees,” said Cuban. “The SEC is blind, the Federal Reserve is deaf and the Treasury Department is brain-dead.” After making sure the government couldn’t fine him for saying that, he continued. “What I want to do is start a National Financial Institution League. Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley and Lehman Brothers would compete against each other every Sunday for a billion dollars worth of mortgages. At the end of the season, the two on top play in the BCS Game - that’s the Bank Championship Series. There’ll be rings and trophies and cheerleaders and bobble-head dolls and all that cool stuff.”
When asked who would referee the banking games, Cuban got hot, as he is known to do. “I hate f***ing refs. There won’t be any refs in the NFIL. All arguments will be settled by which owner can yell the loudest. And you get extra points for having a hip replacement.” Cuban then limped off the stage while screaming at the top of his lungs: “AND EVERYBODY HAS TO DANCE THE WALTZ!”
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson had no comment on Mark Cuban’s offer to buy Freddie Mac other than to say, “Brain dead? I’ve had TWO hip replacements and can still kick Cuban’s sorry a** up-and-down any tango dance floor he wants to meet on.”
Playboy To Feature “Girls Of Naked Short-Selling”
July 30, 2008
CHICAGO, IL - Not everyone is as upset about the proliferation of “naked short-selling” as the Securities and Exchange Commission, which extended its temporary ban on the practice through August 12. Playboy Magazine announced plans for an upcoming feature: “The Girls Of Naked Short-Selling.” “Nothing says ‘naked short-selling’ like naked women,” said Hugh Hefner in an interview conducted in his bedroom while waiting for the Viagra to kick in.
Short-selling involves borrowing shares of stock and selling them, betting that the price will fall. Naked short sellers don’t even borrow the shares before selling them - a practice many blame for driving down stock prices. Neither require the broker to be naked, but that won’t stop Playboy. “Naked short-selling was made for Playboy Magazine,” said Hef. “Hell, I came up with the name Fannie long before the Fed did.”
Photographer Charles ‘Lucky’ Evans is in Manhattan scouring investment banks to find naked short-selling brokers with the “Playboy” look. “I have to disqualify most of these naked short-sellers because, well, they have a penis,” said Evans. So far, he’s lined up Miss January, an agent from Goldman Sachs named Cherry “Muffins” Smith. “I’ve never done anything like this,” admitted Cherry. “Well, once, but only to make quota.” Evans also plans to visit Fannie Mae. “Hef is convinced any outfit named Fannie has got to have some lookers.”
Hustler Magazine’s publisher Larry Flynt is planning a similar layout called “Whistle Blowers Of The Brokerage Industry” featuring women who have helped the SEC locate naked short-sellers. When asked how else his photo spread will be different than Playboy’s, Flynt said, “Two words: ‘whistle blower.’”
NOTE: For those of you wondering about the universal symbol for “no” in the corner of this article - here’s the explanation. Both magazines provided me with sample photographs to accompany this piece, but they were confiscated at the last minute by the Capitalist Banter editor, who mumbled something about “inappropriate,” “not for our audience” and “make sure you give me ALL of them.” I feel your pain.
