Book Review: “The Backfire of the Vanities”
October 6, 2008
Best-selling author and colorblind fashionista Tom Whitesute captures the greed, deception, class politics and rampant cross-dressing that has caused the current Wall Street crisis in his new novel, “The Backfire of the Vanities.”
The plot centers around Hatfield McCoy, a brilliant young multimillionaire mortgage broker who invented a mathematical formula for making unemployed buggy whip makers appear to have the financial wherewithal of brilliant young multimillionaire mortgage brokers. McCoy’s wife, Paris, spends his money like the hotel heiress she wishes she were instead of the former stripper pole tester she actually is. Their life “backfires” on them when they accidentally bump into a black man who is having difficulty making payments on the mortgage Hatfield sold him, and Paris defends her husband by calling him a “Massah of your universe.”
The offended man takes his story to tabloid publisher Rufus Mudsling, who blows it up into a tale of Wall Street bankers taking advantage of millions of poor innocent first-time homeowners. He is aided by the Rabbi Aaron Sharpstein, New York’s only Jewish-and-African-American rabbi, who preaches to an empty temple but still manages to get on the nightly news four times a week.
Seeing an opportunity to shift the blame, the U.S. president, the Treasury Secretary, the Federal Reserve Chairman and Bill O’Reilly all identify McCoy as the cause of the collapse of the mortgage banking industry, the stock market and possibly the New York Yankees. Hatfield and Paris are forced to flee the country - Hatfield disguised as Pamela Anderson and Paris as Tommy Lee in costumes they wore frequently to their favorite transvestite swingers club.
With McCoy gone, Mudsling and Sharpstein no longer have a case and the Treasury Department ends up bailing out the banking industry itself using taxpayer money, lottery tickets and the proceeds from selling fake billion-dollar bills on eBay.
In a fictional National Enquirer article at the end of the book, we learn that Hatfield and Paris start a new life in Paris, France, as owners of a cross-dresser café called Come As You Aren’t. It is quickly franchised worldwide and Hatfield uses his new billions to bail out Wall Street.
Whitesute is currently working on a screenplay based on “The Backfire of the Vanities” for a movie that will star anyone but Tom Hanks.
Pink Floyd Apologizes for ‘Money’
September 30, 2008
LONDON — The remaining members of Pink Floyd - Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Nick Mason - got together briefly to issue an apology to their fans and to anyone hurt during the current worldwide economic crisis for the influence their mega-hit song ‘Money’ may have had on the perpetrators of the financial meltdown. “Who knew back in 1973 that singing “Money, it’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash” would have such an effect on Wall Street?” asked Waters. “We were just stoned and singing about buying some munchies … I think.”
‘Money’ - from the epic ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album - was released in 1973, about the time Hank Paulson, Ben Bernanke and the CEOs of most investment banks were in business college or just getting their first jobs as traders. It was the first album most of them played over-and-over on their stereo systems and it has since been heard at least once a day on every oldies rock station in the country. “I blame FM radio,” says Gilmour. ““Money” was written to be listened to once a year, about the time you’re trying to get in the mood to do your income taxes.”
The lyrics “I’m in the hi-fidelity, first class traveling set, and I think I need a Lear jet” appear to have had the biggest influence on today’s financial leaders. “Don’t blame me. I had nothing to do with that song,” says Mason. “I’m just the drummer. I thought we were here to announce a reunion tour.” Waters, Gilmour and Mason confirmed that the band was not getting back together, due to - you guessed it - money problems.
Stephen King to Pen Wall Street Horror Novel
September 26, 2008
Stephen King, the world’s scariest writer outside of the guy who does the warnings in pharmaceutical packages, announced he has begun what he believes will be his greatest horror novel. Titled “Bank Sematary,” it is the story of Frank Baulson, a small-town banker who does his best to save the mortgages of the local townfolk, then buries the foreclosed ones (mortgages, that is - although he considered both) in his back yard - only to have them come back to life in a horrific and monstrous form to terrorize Wall Street, Washington and everyone on the planet except the one man who can save them all … Warner Puffet.
“The story came to me in a nightmare after watching President Bush’s speech on the bailout,” says King. “Not only did it make me wet the bed, I shredded the sheets, decapitated the headboard and strangled my clock radio until Don Imus spoke no more. I haven’t had that much fun since I quit drinking!”
The horror master denies the book sounds a lot like one of his early hits, “Pet Sematary.” “That was about a dead cat that comes back to life,” says King. “There’s no cats in Bank Sematary … except for the one Baulson sacrifices to god of free markets, Adam Smith. It doesn’t come back to life, but Baulson does get some help from its invisible paw.” King refused to say how Puffet saves the world, except for one hint: “It involves junk bonds, solar energy and the pinkie finger of Federal Reserve Chairman Ken Kernanke.”
King is rushing to complete the book before vampire novelist Anne Rice returns to the genre with her own novel about the Wall Street financial crisis called “The Vampire Subprime.”
Clay Aiken Admits in Fortune: “Yes, I’m Rich!”
September 25, 2008
New York, NY — Clay Aiken - ‘American Idol’ runner-up, star of ‘Monty Python’s Spamalot’ and new dad - admits in an upcoming issue of Fortune magazine that he is rich. “I guess you could say I’m finally coming out of the vault,” jokes Clay in the magazine’s cover story. “I want my child to grow up knowing that the man he sees his daddy with all of the time is his financial advisor.” The singer and actor will be featured on the Fortune cover cradling a blanket filled with gold bars, loose diamonds and the keys to his Ferrari.
Aiken was born into a poor family in Raleigh, North Carolina, and says he didn’t realize he was rich until a few years ago. “Unlike my friends, I was never attracted to food stamps, government cheese and second-hand stores,” says Clay. “I didn’t know it was OK to feel that way until I met Ryan Seacrest.” Seacrest - ‘American Idol’ host, DJ and television producer - was also confused about his identity as a poor boy but finally realized he was rich after earning an estimated $32 million per year.
Clay’s mother was the first to learn that her son was rich. “I always suspected it,” she reveals in the Fortune article. “While the other boys in the neighborhood were playing with action figures, little Clay was knitting blankets for his piggy bank.” Clay says his mom cried when he told her, especially when he showed her his new will that leaves everything he owns to Jaymes Foster - his best friend and the mother of his baby. “Jaymes has never laughed at me for being rich,” admits Aiken. “For the haircut - sure, but never for being rich.”
Clay hopes his fans will still accept him now that he’s open about his richness. “This doesn’t mean you should stop buying my CDs or coming to ‘Spamalot,’” he says. “Being a rich man is something I have to deal with every day. It’s not something I can change by praying for a recession or a big tax increase.”
Your Weekly Business Horoscope
September 23, 2008
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Business is not your strong suit. Neither is pinstripe. It’s time to switch to a suit with your name permanently attached to the pocket.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Remember your face after hearing about Lehman Bothers? It will be perfect to carve in your Halloween pumpkin.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful when considering a move. Your Window of opportunity has been replaced by a Vista of opportunity.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Now is not a good time to become a whistle blower. The Witness Protection Program is considering a round of cutbacks.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Assistance in installing a new home computer network is not always the best reason to have children.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If your performance is suffering from a “sophomore slump,” pretend you’re working in dog years.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Just because your boss says you’re all washed up, it doesn’t mean he’s planning to recommend you to “Dancing With The Stars.”
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Most highly effective people have seven habits. You need seven habits plus seven relatives in upper management.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Be wary of applying for work at a company whose executives spend their lunch hour playing Fantasy Layoff League.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Making friends at work is important. Just do it someplace other than in the rest room.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be careful what you store on your office computer. You know your boss is reading your email if the text suddenly @x&4)kl*4jk+”.,<Je$2.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Unless you’re running for vice president, don’t put those two years of college you wasted playing Monopoly on your resume as “financial management experience.”
Fed Refuses To Bail Out Emmy Awards
September 22, 2008
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In spite of drawing the lowest ratings in almost 20 years for the 60th anniversary broadcast of the gala ceremony, the Treasury Department has refused a request by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to bail out the Emmy Awards. “I enjoyed some of the show,” said Treasury Secretary Henry “It’s Hank - not Tank” Paulson. “It was nice to see Dick Nixon again in one of the funniest Laugh-In bits of all time. And that Heidi Klum reminds me of Sarah Palin on stilts - not that I’ve actually seen Sarah Palin on stilts.”
However, other segments of the telecast seemed to irritate Paulson. “Didn’t Candice Bergen play Murphy Brown? Who needs her? I wish I could hire Tommy Smothers just so I could fire his sorry yo-yo flinging ass! No wonder his mother liked Dickie best,” said the visibly red-faced Treasury Secretary. “And Alec Baldwin looks too much like Al Gore on a “the world’s coming to an end so I have to eat all the donuts I can” binge.”
When the head of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences told Paulson that the Emmy Award were too big to fail, Paulson asked, “Did you see Howie Mandel? After that sorry performance, I wouldn’t even bail out the banker on “Deal or No Deal.””
Members of the Academy immediately accused Paulson of having a bias against Hollywood. “Not true,” said Paulson. “I’m a big fan of “Mad Men.” Those were the days — booze, cigarettes, tight skirts and loose expense accounts. I’d kick another $100 billion into the bailout of we could bring those good old days back.” Paulson also pointed out that he’s a fan of other awards shows. “I love the Golden Globes,” he admitted. In fact, my favorite golden globes are the ones on Eva Longoria. Ba-da-bing! If the Emmy hosts had that kind of comedy, I’d bail them out in a Hollywood minute. Instead, I’m like the Soup Nazi on “Seinfeld.” No soup for you, Emmy Awards! Next!”
Top Economists Blame Fashion Industry For Economic Woes
September 12, 2008
NEW YORK, NY — As Fashion Week comes to a close, the National Association for Business Economics (NABE) has issued a statement condemning current fashion administration elites such as Calvin Klein and Oscar de la Renta. According to the NABE, fashion industry leaders have deliberately damaged the American economy with fall’s longer hemlines and darker colors. The dismal fashions are matched by slow job growth plunging consumer confidence, and the the worst housing slump in a quarter-century.
“Shame on them!” said Professor Penny Monee, who works to help fashion houses understand how their choices affect our over economic situation. “Economic acitvism in fashion is overdue. It’s just common sense. When the economy is in trouble, you don’t go designing drab dresses and long skirts!”
Monee believes in economic stimulus through physical stimulus. “Show women something shiny and they’ll buy it. Show men some skin and they’ll open their wallets. It’s basic economics!”
Monee’s group, along with the NABE’s Special Committee of Fashion Analysis is hoping designers choose a more responsible approach next year. They are optimistic for a more favorable spring showing in London and New York come spring.
Your Weekly Business Horoscope
September 8, 2008
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s time to go on a diet. Being “too big to fail” only works for mortgage lenders and investment banks.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): IT found the cause of your blue screens … stop making fun of Jerry Seinfeld’s Microsoft commercial.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stop beating your self up. Your co-workers are placing bets on which one of you will win.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Setting goals and striving to achieve them is fine. Yelling GOOOOAAALLL! when you reach one is not.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Take care of your health. It’s time for your annual day off that you take to pretend you’re getting a physical.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be creative. Don’t let facts get in the way of a great performance review.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Bring some variety into your work life. Try switching from Solitaire to Minesweeper on odd-numbered days.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Volunteer to be your office fire marshal. Fire drills are a great time to look through everyone’s desk drawers.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The rest room is not a place for business conversations … unless you’re a copywriter for Charmin.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you find a dead bug on the floor, just pick it up and dispose of it. Drawing an outline with correction fluid just makes the cleaning people seek revenge.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): No matter how much fun it looks like on those YouTube videos, don’t throw beads at women in H.R.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Invest in your company’s stock. You never know when you might need a good cover.
Your Weekly Business Horoscope
September 1, 2008
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know you’re boring when your friends can’t even make all the way through one of your Twitters.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It’s time to start making decisions for yourself. Your Magic 8-Ball has grooves worn in it from your desperate grip.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This is a good time to return to a creative project you dropped. You can’t get ahead by wishful Googling.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take some time off to deal with personal matters. Your kids have started calling the voice on their mom’s GPS “Daddy.”
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ignore the opinions of others. Start a rumor that Einstein wore a zebra thong under white pants too.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are a lover of beauty. Cut it out … H.R. is starting to get complaints.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use the power of positive thinking. But a car that already has bumper stickers proclaiming your child is an honor student.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): It’s time to be a little more serious at work. Everyone knows your staff doesn’t consist of a priest, a rabbi and a minister.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): No matter how well it worked for Michael Phelps, it won’t help you to bring your mother to work every day.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It pays to have an office with no windows, especially if you do a lot of banging your head against the wall.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Moving 10 percent of your investments into gold will not make your wife forget you didn’t buy her any jewelry for her birthday.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Think before you speak in meetings. Don’t wait for your dentist to tell you your teeth are getting worn down by your foot.
McCain Income Comment Hurts Game Show Industry
August 25, 2008
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s comment during a discussion on values that his definition of rich was having an income of $5 million has had a surprisingly negative effect in a seemingly recession-proof industry - game shows. “Why couldn’t he have said $1 million?” asked Meredith Vieira, host of “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” “All of a sudden, we’re having a tough time finding guests willing to be humiliated for the chance to win a mere million.” Industry experts say “Millionaire” and many other shows which currently offer million-dollar prizes are being forced to up the amount to $5 million or be canceled.
That’s the situation on “Deal or No Deal. “You’d think 25 women in miniskirts with a combined million dollars in boob jobs would be enough to attract contestants,” laments host Howie Mandel. “Not to mention the chance to bump with a huge megastar like me.” The show, which just recently gave away its first million-dollar prize, is also hurting because the in-house banker recently had to be bailed out when a case that should have held $100,000 contained an IOU instead.
Regis Philbin, host of “Million Dollar Password,” is furious. “I just had some more gold-embossed business cards printed up with the show’s name on them. You can’t just use liquid paper to change a gold one to a gold five. Letterman is going to eat me alive on this one.”
McCain’s comment is having a different yet equally distressing effect on “The Price Is Right.” While no prizes on the show approach $1 million in value, new host Drew Carey is demanding that his salary be increased from $1 million per week to $5 million. “I can go back to “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”” threatened Carey. It’s a lot easier to host and there’s no risk of getting hugged to death by a 200-pound grandmother from Detroit.”
The Obama campaign has picked up on this problem and is using it against McCain. “If I’m elected, I will force Hollywood to add new game shows and lower the top prize to $250,000 so that all Americans have chance to be rich, which I define as having an income of $250,000 a year” said Obama in a press release. “I will also force shows like “Jeopardy” to have harder questions for rich people to level the playing field.”
John McCain has so far refused to back down on his comment to bail out the game shows. “My friends, what happened to those good old shows like “What’s My Line?” And “Truth or Consequences,” he asked at a recent town meeting. “And besides, the American people don’t need to be competing on game shows to get rich. That’s what lotteries, oil futures and single heiresses are for.”
