Lehman Brothers Trades for Brett Favre
September 23, 2008
Financial giant Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. has traded $12 million in real estate assets to the New York Jets for quarterback Brett Favre.
Lehman chairman and CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr. stated that Favre’s expertise at improvising and making something out of nothing is sorely needed at Lehman Brothers in the wake of filing for the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. “All I know is that it’s fourth and long for Lehman. There’s no one else I’d rather trust to come through for us than Number Four,” Fuld said.
Though 38 years old, Favre is coming off one of his best seasons, in which he threw for 4,155 yards and 28 touchdowns, and paid off the mortgages on his vacation homes in Mississippi and Wisconsin. Favre is renowned for his last-second heroics and gunslinger attitude—a mindset which occasionally leads him to make ill-advised throws into double-coverage and award high-risk loans to questionable borrowers.
“I’m here to help Lehman Brothers win,” said Favre at his introductory press conference, where he appeared relaxed in his customary Wrangler jeans, gray T-shirt, stubble and aw-shucks grin. “There’s a lot of similarities between the West Coast Offense and running a global financial services firm. I’m still learning a lot of the terminology, but I think I can make some big plays for us down the road.”
Before he left the podium, a reporter asked Favre if he would commit to Lehman Brothers for more than one year.
“We’ll see,” Favre said.
Bennigan’s To Become Irish Dating Service
July 29, 2008
PLANO, TX - Hours after Metromedia Restaurant Group - the parent company of the Bennigan’s restaurant chain - announced that the once-popular Irish-themed chain had filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection and will shut its doors, executives at Bennigan’s revealed plans to reorganize and reopen as an Irish dating service. “Irish couples on dates were our most loyal customers right up until the end,” said CEO Miley O’Reilly. “Without us, they have nowhere to go for a beer, Irish appetizers, Irish whiskey, a beer, good Irish food, a beer, traditional Irish desserts, a beer and Irish coffee.”
Once the restaurants have been closed and the tables, kitchen equipment and other assets have been sold, O’Reilly and her crews will begin converting each location into an Irish dating service and meeting club called Get Lucky, starting with the Boston flagship. Applicants must prove their Irish heritage with either DNA samples, red hair, Catholic school uniform or Boston Police Department badge. Smashing chairs or other temper tantrums are insufficient evidence. When asked if this wasn’t a form of stereotyping, O’Reilly laughed and said, “Sure, but it’s the only way to keep out lonely English women.”
After paying their membership fee, photos of the Irish singles will be posted on the walls, along with vital statistics, biographies and Catholic parish they belong to. Meet-ups will be scheduled every night but Sunday for members to check each other out in person. A karaoke machine will be provided with a full selection of songs by U2, The Cranberries, The Pogues and Thin Lizzy. The machine is programmed to self-destruct if anyone attempts to bring down the mood by playing “Danny Boy.”
Since the liquor licenses and food permits are gone, the dating events will be BYOBS - bring your own beer and stew. O’Reilly hopes to eventually serve meals again, mostly duck dishes. “It’s not traditionally Irish,” she admitted, “but I like the idea of a sign over the door that says: “Come to Get Lucky, stay for the ducky.””
Wachovia Replaces Entire Staff With ATMs
July 22, 2008
CHARLOTTE, NC - After reporting a net loss in the second quarter of 2008 of $8.9 billion or $4.20 per share, the board of directors of Wachovia Corporation (aka The Loan Arrangers) announced it will replace the entire worldwide staff of the bank with automated teller machines, including state-of-the-art models on wheels. “Bank tellers are so 2007,” said board chairman Hamilton “Hambone” Alexander. “Deposit, withdraw, repeat. My cell phone can do that and plays games too.”
The change starts at the top, with CEO Robert K. Steel being replaced by a solid titanium CEOATM with a brand new blond ATM at its side for special occasions. To allow the CEOATM to move between floors of Wachovia headquarters, it will be equipped with a golden parachute to ease it down stairwells and assisted by a BONUSATM to lift it back up. Since the CEOATM has no back panel, a FEDCHAIRATM will be placed behind it to cover its rear.
All bank vice presidents will be replaced by one single VPATM whose sole function will be to take up space. Loan officers will be replaced by NOATMs equipped with a large mechanical head that moves from side-to-side to indicate a loan application has been disapproved. Bank tellers will be replaced by $ATMs on wheels with sensors to detect counterfeit bills and little old ladies with bags of unrolled pennies. They will have radar to detect which line is longest and a single hand to put up “Next window” signs. Bank guards will be replaced by AK47ATMs programmed to shoot first, shoot later and answer all questions with “English or Spanish?”
During their exit interviews, Wachovia employees were advised to roll what’s left of their 401K funds into stock from Diebold Corporation, the world’s largest maker of ATMs.
Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Managers
May 29, 2008
The Anti-Stephen Covey Guide to Managing Your Team:
- More interested in requesting numerous reports on ongoing projects than actually completing a project. This habit is often exhibited by avid Excel spreadsheet enthusiasts. Categorizing tables by column headings is one of their most private, happiest endeavors.
- Blame is always only one employee away. Highly ineffective managers do a great job of dodging bullets by placing blame on their subordinate employee or vendor. It’s a difficult habit to master, but once you’re past the guilt and self-loathing that comes with not owning your own faults, you’ll pick it up in no time.
Americans Tired of Economic Foreplay, Wish She Would Put Out Already
May 23, 2008
WASHINGTON - As a small percentage of informed Americans continually complain about the ups and downs of the economy and the word “recession” is thrown around more and more, people are beginning to get burnt out.
It’s been months since the first news of an economic downturn hit the headlines and even now we’re still flirting with the edge of complete, economic catastrophy. Yet as the tedious wait continues many Americans are starting to wonder just when she’s going to put out.
As one disgruntled citizen put it: “I keep hearing about this recession but I’m starting to wonder where it is. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to keep buying energy efficient vehicles and commodity stocks if she’s not going to at least show me an economic depression.”
This opinion seems to be growing among Americans as they wait eagerly on the edge of their hybrid vehicle seats for the economy to reveal some signs of a Tightened Infrastructural Timeline Situation, or TITS. The economic struggle is just not worth getting all worked up over unless Americans know that they’re going to get to see some TITS very soon.
“I lived through the first depression and now they’re saying another one is just around the corner. Well I can’t just go and dump my savings into one of those new age fuel-saving cars unless I know I’m going to be seeing some huge TITS real soon.” said one elderly man when asked about his experience with economic downturns.
Yet, Americans are not simply sitting around and waiting for the TITS to come knocking at their door. Many of them are looking to get an Assimilated Savings Scenario or ASS, going as soon as possible. Working on getting some ASS within your own family or with others in your community can help bolster your overall savings and make you more financially secure for when the economy finally starts to show some TITS.
When asked about their own savings and how they planned to weather the economic recession one couple had this to say, “We just want to grab a hold of some firm ASS to help us get through these slow times and keep as much money as we can built up in case we suddenly see some TITS burst out of the economy.”
With so much uncertainty floating around these days and the economy playing hard to get with the American public there really is no better advice than to grab a little ASS and hold tight until we start to see some TITS.
You Don’t Have to Know Business to Talk Business
May 13, 2008
Ever find yourself daydreaming about cocktail hour when you’re supposed to be listening to a colleague’s strategic plans for leveraging online initiatives to gain greater market share?
Before you know it, they’re throwing around words like “paradigm” and three letter acronyms like SEO. You’re standing in the hallway stuck between your office and another cup of coffee while they go on and on and on.
Whether you’re bored to tears or completely clueless, you can easily feign interest and acumen on any given business topic with just the right selection of well-timed phrases.
To help you through inordinately long and yawn-inducing office conversations, we put together a quick list of comments that can: 1.) offer an insightful perspective, and 2.) bring the conversation to a swift end. Read more
A Letter from Your CEO
May 13, 2008
…who may or may not have a clue about how to run a business.
Dear Employees,
We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.
That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work. Read more
Top Ten Ways to Become a Power Player
May 6, 2008
Often times, colleagues are too busy doing their jobs to recognize just how important you are. They fail to get your input on the latest big project or leave you out of a luncheon with your company’s biggest client.
Not only is this frustrating, it’s an attack on your ego and should be taken personally.
Here are ten quick ways to exert your power within your office and gain the respect you deserve from colleagues: Read more
