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Gates and Seinfeld Load Your iPod With ‘Cool’ Songs

BOULDER, CO — Ad agency Crispin-Porter has announced that Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld are collaborating on several song lists that will be available for free download with the purchase of any Microsoft product. This is the next phase of the agency’s campaign to portray the middle aged pair as ‘hip’ and ‘cool’.

The bonus will be known as the Gates & Seinfeld Party Mixx or the Seinfeld & Gates Party Mixx, depending on the outcome of ongoing negotiations. Ironically, the song lists will only play on iPods. When asked for comment on the confusing strategy, a Crispin-Porter representative answered, “We don’t expect the average consumer to understand, and we’re not about to explain it. It’s all about an image.”

No information could be obtained regarding Gates’ picks, but sources close to Seinfeld say he’s considering such classics as ‘Da Doo Ron Ron’ and ‘Your Mama Don’t Dance’.

McDonald’s Debuts McPalin Happy Meal

JUNEAU, ALASKA — Hockey moms across Alaska were delighted today to find a new offering at their local McDonald’s drive-through: McPalin Happy Meals. The new family friendly meals come with moose burgers or nuggets for the kids, raw meat for the pit bull, condoms for older siblings, pudding for grandpa, and of course, a McPalin button.

“The name tie in is a natural,” said McDonald’s representative Dwight Davis. “We’ve wanted to do something for a long time, but McCain just wasn’t right for the Happy Meal.” Davis went on to say that Palin was ‘full of happiness.’

McDonalds plans to expand the limited edition Happy Meals to the lower 48 states and Hawaii in the next several days. A sound studio in Oak Brook, Illinois leaked news that John McCain had recorded a voice over ‘approving this message’ for the latest McDonalds TV spot.

No word yet on the addition of Sarah Palin action figures to the Happy Meals.

Coca-Cola Company Promises 1000 Varieties of Coke by 2015

The Coca-Cola Company, the world’s largest beverage firm, vowed to consumers and shareholders that it would produce 1000 varieties of Coca-Cola by 2015.

“By differentiating our brand beyond the point of recognition, we’ll ensure that there’s a Coke for literally every potential beverage market in the civilized world,” said Coke President and CEO Muhtar Kent. “Rest assured, there is no random combination of fruity syrups we won’t mix together, and no slapdash tweaking of our iconic brand that we won’t foist on thirsty consumers.”

In 2009 the Coca-Cola Company will roll out new brands including Peppermint Coke, Coca-Cola with Mango, Coca-Cola Fudge, Birthday Coke, Coca-Colada, Olive Coke, Spicy Coke, and Coca-Cola with Pepsi.

Convenience stores and supermarkets nationwide are scrambling to accommodate the additional flavors. A Piggly Wiggly spokesman said the grocer will stop selling pet food and cat litter in order to clear the necessary shelf space. Some 7-11 stores will replace restrooms with additional refrigeration units to house the increased stock of 20-ounce bottles.

Space is a concern even at Coca-Cola headquarters in Atlanta, where the company has begun construction of a three-story vending machine that will dispense all 1000 Coca-Cola varieties. Coke’s child daycare facility was demolished earlier this year to make room for the structure.

Coca-Cola stock jumped eleven cents per share after the announcement. It rose an additional twenty cents when Kent vehemently denied speculation that Coca-Cola II, or “New Coke,” would be one of the 1000 flavors.

Revlon Announces New Line of Lipstick for Pigs

NEW YORK, NY — Hot on the heels of Corning’s unveiling of the Glass Sheiling, a solid glass ceiling that appears to be fractured with 18 million cracks, cosmetic giant Revlon (motto: “Without us, women would look like men.”) enters the political-slogan-based-products marketing arena with a new lipstick made just for pigs. Called “Bacon Rouge,” the porcine lipstick will allow pig farmers to give their swine a new look and a new marketing ploy to replace the tired ad slogan, “Pork: the other white meat.”

“We never realized that pigs were such a huge untapped market for lipstick,” said Revlon spokesperson Honey “Baked” Prosciutto. “Outside of Miss Piggy and a couple of cross-dressing professional wrestlers, we pretty much ignored the whole sow demographic.” Prosciutto credits the current political debate between the Obama and McCain campaigns over the expression “like putting lipstick on a pig” for the company’s interest in developing Bacon Rouge. “You’d be surprised how many women pig farmers there are, and how long they’ve been waiting for a product like this to put an end to that obnoxious expression,” said Prosciutto.

Pig farmer Virginia Loine agrees. “My girls are so much more than just ‘the other white meat.’ With Bacon Rouge on lips of every one of my sows, it’s time for a new slogan. I’m thinking, “Red is the new White.” Or “Put lipstick on your pig … it’s the right thing to do.” If the lipstick proves as popular as Revlon expects, the company plans to roll out other products in the same line, including eye shadow for raccoons, makeup for monkeys and butt blush for red-rumped baboons.

With the sudden popularity for lipstick on pigs, both the McCain and Obama campaigns have begun searching for new colloquialisms to express their disgust for each other’s policies. Pork producers, jewelers and oyster farmers are lobbying for “Do not cast pearls before swine.”

Corning Patents Glass Ceiling With 18 Million Cracks

CORNING, NY — Corning Incorporated (motto: “Who cares if it’s half empty or half full as long as it’s our glass.”) announced it has obtained a patent for a solid glass ceiling that appears to be fractured with 18 million cracks. The product will be called the Glass Sheiling and is expected to be marketed primarily to female-owned corporations, companies that market primarily to women, and supporters of Hillary Clinton and Sarah Paling.

“The time is right for a product like this,” said Corning marketing director Rhonda Silica. “Hillary Clinton proved a glass ceiling can be cracked. Sarah Paling proved a glass ceiling can be shattered with a moose gun. And now Corning will prove a glass ceiling help us crack profits of 10 cents per share per quarter over at least the next four years.”

Corning scientists are tightly guarding the secret behind the solidity of the Glass Sheiling, which appears about to break and come crashing to the floor, especially when stared at intently by men in business suits. “Let’s just say it’s part glass, part magic and part clear nail polish,” said Dr. Crystal Vitreous, Vice President of R&D at Corning. “One thing I can assure you,” said Dr. Vitreous, “No woman’s lips touched a blowpipe in the making of this glass.”

Pre-orders for the Glass Sheiling have been placed by Mary Kay Cosmetics, Bayer (makers of Midol), Oprah Winfrey, former HP CEO Carly Firoina and former President B*ll Cl*nton, who asked that his name be disguised since it’s a surprise birthday gift for his wife.

New Drug from Pfizer Clearly Just Methamphetamine

The Food and Drug Administration has withheld final approval of Vigoryn, a new drug from Pfizer, stating that Vigoryn’s benefits, side effects, ingredients and chemical structure are all nearly identical to those of methamphetamine.

Vigoryn, touted as an answer to lethargy, low libido, excess body fat, and shyness, has proven effective in agency reviews at treating this wide variety of ailments. However, the FDA expressed concerns over side effects including diarrhea, pervasive sweating, irregular or flailing movements, rapid tooth decay, and incessant muttering about needing to “score some more fucking Vigoryn.”

At a press conference, a Pfizer spokesman contended that Vigoryn’s safety profile compared favorably to similar drugs on the market. When pressed to name drugs comparable to Vigoryn, the spokesman became belligerent, vowing to “stab each and every one of you with a rusty fork.” He then apologized profusely and collapsed into a ball beneath the podium, crying.

The FDA’s decision is yet another blow to Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, in their efforts to push Vigoryn onto the market. Last month, Pfizer shares fell 21 cents after three employees were killed in an explosion at Pfizer’s primary Vigoryn production facility, located in a trailer park in Riverside County, California.

Maker of Condoms Files For Bankruptcy

PRINCETON, NJ — The manufacturers of the Trojan ™ brand of condoms, Church & Dwight Co., Inc. (motto: “You look like an extra-large”), has filed for bankruptcy, citing slumping sales and a dismal forecast for the rest of the year and possibly the next four following the nomination of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. “It’s not exactly because of Mrs. Palin,” said corporate spokesperson Herb Plezyur. “We took a hard hit when Levi Johnston showed up at the convention with her daughter.”

For those who live in caves with no cable access, Levi Johnston is the high school hockey player responsible for impregnating Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate. “Without wearing one of our products, which by the way come in most high school colors, this kid schtupped the daughter of a woman who knows her way around assault rifles and is hailed as a hero by a guy who spent five-and-a-half years in a cell with nothing to use for condoms but mouse intestines,” explained Plezyur. “High school jocks are our biggest market. Without them, we’ll be making balloons for clowns to twist into animals.”

Plezuyur said that Church & Dwight has shut down its main plant in Princeton and laid off all of the machine operators, packaging clerks and the women who test the ribbed condoms. “Those two shouldn’t have any trouble getting jobs in Atlantic City,” said Plezyur. The company plans to stay open with a skeleton crew until after the election in November. “Depending on who wins, we’ll either be recalling all the workers and reopening the plant, or we’ll be selling our unsold stock on eBay to girls who like to use them as shower caps for their Bratz dolls.”

GM Sues GOP Over Use Of The Word “Vetting”

DETROIT, MI — General Motors Corporation (motto: “It’s the unions, stupid!”) has filed a lawsuit in a Michigan court against the Republican Party (motto: “It’s the unions, stupid!”) over the GOP’s use of the word “vetting.” “We’ve owned the phrase “Vetting” since 1953 when the first Chevy Corvette hit the streets,” said GM attorney Chuck “Barry” Sterr. “It has always meant one thing: driving over the speed limit in an expensive sports car with the sole intent of picking up women who are at least 20 years younger than you or your ex-wife. The GOP has been libeling the term ever since Sarah Palin was nominated as John McCain’s running mate.”

Sterr is referring to the less well-known - at least until recently - definition of vetting: a process of examination and evaluation. “When I first heard John McCain was vetting Sarah Palin, I said, “You go, Johnny Boy!” observed Greg Young, president of the Dime Box, Texas, chapter of the Corvette Clubs of America. “When I found out it meant he was talking to her, I knew he wasn’t driving a Corvette. It invalidates the warrantee to just ‘talk’ to a hot babe like that in a Corvette.”

Attorneys for the GOP, speaking by phone from Alaska where they will be working for the next two months, defended the party’s use of the term. Speaking for the group, attorney Lee Bargun explained, “According to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is keeping a close watch on this suit, General Motors is actually at fault here for dropping the apostrophe from the word “Vetting,” as in “Let’s go ‘Vetting in my ‘Vette. We are using the correct version without the apostrophe.”

The GOP’s attorneys have asked GM to drop the lawsuit or face a separate suit over the use of the motto “It’s the unions, stupid!” which the GOP has been using since the Reagan administration. The McCain campaign has no comment on the suit, other that to say the Republican candidate prefers to go “jetting.”

CEO’s Guide to Successful Blogging

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spending too much time on the yacht) you know that cutting edge CEOs are blogging. And if Mark Cuban can do it, so can you. Here are a few tips for successful blogging.

• Learn the lingo
  A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week.
• Strike the right balance
  It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ - all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity.
• Stick to business
  While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather.
• Know that you’re not cool
  No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying.
• Never talk money
  Your own that is - no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.

Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.

Ask Addam Smythe - Economist to the Stars

Addam Smythe claims to be the great-great-grandson of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics. After a successful Hollywood career managing movie extras, stand-ins and seat fillers, Smythe used his connections and mail-order MBA to fulfill his dream of following in his alleged ancestor’s footsteps. Changing his name slightly to fulfill the basic requirement for living in Beverly Hills, Addam Smythe became the Economist to the Stars. Capitalistbanter.com welcomes Mr. Smythe to our staff to answer your financial questions.

Dear Addam Smythe,

I just turned 59 and decided it’s time to start thinking about saving up for my retirement. What do you recommend I do?

Elbert in Omaha

Dear Elbert,

I suggest you ask your employer to begin deducting 25% of your net income and deposit it directly into a special checking account. Discipline yourself to use this checking account for one purpose: to purchase the kneepads you will need while begging your children to let you live with them.

Addam

Dear Mr. Smythe,

My eccentric uncle passed away recently and left me his home which he built out of soap in an attempt to cash in on what he called the “housing bubbles.” Is there anything I can do with it?

Barb in Seattle

Dear Barb,

Soap homes were once popular in countries where trees were considered to be gods. Perhaps you can find one of the remaining members of the Oakodox Church and hold an open house. A plate of toast burnt with the shape of maples might help.

Addam

Dear Addam Smythe,

What will be the “next big thing?”

Joe in Toledo

Dear Joe,

The “next big thing” will be green crayons. Billions of half-used crayons end up in landfills every June when school lets out, forming a waxy buildup on the planet that is threatening to cause Earth to slip out of orbit. Fifty-four nations have signed the Crayoto Treaty calling for a ban on crayon sales, a move that would cripple elementary education and leave refrigerators doors across the country uncovered, hurting the critical magnet industry. A market is building for an alternative. Put your money in green crayons.

Addam

Got a question for Addam Smythe, Economist to the Stars? Leave it in a comment.

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