• Home
• About

Subscribe

New Drug from Pfizer Clearly Just Methamphetamine

The Food and Drug Administration has withheld final approval of Vigoryn, a new drug from Pfizer, stating that Vigoryn’s benefits, side effects, ingredients and chemical structure are all nearly identical to those of methamphetamine.

Vigoryn, touted as an answer to lethargy, low libido, excess body fat, and shyness, has proven effective in agency reviews at treating this wide variety of ailments. However, the FDA expressed concerns over side effects including diarrhea, pervasive sweating, irregular or flailing movements, rapid tooth decay, and incessant muttering about needing to “score some more fucking Vigoryn.”

At a press conference, a Pfizer spokesman contended that Vigoryn’s safety profile compared favorably to similar drugs on the market. When pressed to name drugs comparable to Vigoryn, the spokesman became belligerent, vowing to “stab each and every one of you with a rusty fork.” He then apologized profusely and collapsed into a ball beneath the podium, crying.

The FDA’s decision is yet another blow to Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, in their efforts to push Vigoryn onto the market. Last month, Pfizer shares fell 21 cents after three employees were killed in an explosion at Pfizer’s primary Vigoryn production facility, located in a trailer park in Riverside County, California.

Maker of Condoms Files For Bankruptcy

PRINCETON, NJ — The manufacturers of the Trojan ™ brand of condoms, Church & Dwight Co., Inc. (motto: “You look like an extra-large”), has filed for bankruptcy, citing slumping sales and a dismal forecast for the rest of the year and possibly the next four following the nomination of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. “It’s not exactly because of Mrs. Palin,” said corporate spokesperson Herb Plezyur. “We took a hard hit when Levi Johnston showed up at the convention with her daughter.”

For those who live in caves with no cable access, Levi Johnston is the high school hockey player responsible for impregnating Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate. “Without wearing one of our products, which by the way come in most high school colors, this kid schtupped the daughter of a woman who knows her way around assault rifles and is hailed as a hero by a guy who spent five-and-a-half years in a cell with nothing to use for condoms but mouse intestines,” explained Plezyur. “High school jocks are our biggest market. Without them, we’ll be making balloons for clowns to twist into animals.”

Plezuyur said that Church & Dwight has shut down its main plant in Princeton and laid off all of the machine operators, packaging clerks and the women who test the ribbed condoms. “Those two shouldn’t have any trouble getting jobs in Atlantic City,” said Plezyur. The company plans to stay open with a skeleton crew until after the election in November. “Depending on who wins, we’ll either be recalling all the workers and reopening the plant, or we’ll be selling our unsold stock on eBay to girls who like to use them as shower caps for their Bratz dolls.”

GM Sues GOP Over Use Of The Word “Vetting”

DETROIT, MI — General Motors Corporation (motto: “It’s the unions, stupid!”) has filed a lawsuit in a Michigan court against the Republican Party (motto: “It’s the unions, stupid!”) over the GOP’s use of the word “vetting.” “We’ve owned the phrase “Vetting” since 1953 when the first Chevy Corvette hit the streets,” said GM attorney Chuck “Barry” Sterr. “It has always meant one thing: driving over the speed limit in an expensive sports car with the sole intent of picking up women who are at least 20 years younger than you or your ex-wife. The GOP has been libeling the term ever since Sarah Palin was nominated as John McCain’s running mate.”

Sterr is referring to the less well-known - at least until recently - definition of vetting: a process of examination and evaluation. “When I first heard John McCain was vetting Sarah Palin, I said, “You go, Johnny Boy!” observed Greg Young, president of the Dime Box, Texas, chapter of the Corvette Clubs of America. “When I found out it meant he was talking to her, I knew he wasn’t driving a Corvette. It invalidates the warrantee to just ‘talk’ to a hot babe like that in a Corvette.”

Attorneys for the GOP, speaking by phone from Alaska where they will be working for the next two months, defended the party’s use of the term. Speaking for the group, attorney Lee Bargun explained, “According to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is keeping a close watch on this suit, General Motors is actually at fault here for dropping the apostrophe from the word “Vetting,” as in “Let’s go ‘Vetting in my ‘Vette. We are using the correct version without the apostrophe.”

The GOP’s attorneys have asked GM to drop the lawsuit or face a separate suit over the use of the motto “It’s the unions, stupid!” which the GOP has been using since the Reagan administration. The McCain campaign has no comment on the suit, other that to say the Republican candidate prefers to go “jetting.”

CEO’s Guide to Successful Blogging

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spending too much time on the yacht) you know that cutting edge CEOs are blogging. And if Mark Cuban can do it, so can you. Here are a few tips for successful blogging.

• Learn the lingo
  A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week.
• Strike the right balance
  It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ - all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity.
• Stick to business
  While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather.
• Know that you’re not cool
  No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying.
• Never talk money
  Your own that is - no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.

Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.

Ask Addam Smythe - Economist to the Stars

Addam Smythe claims to be the great-great-grandson of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics. After a successful Hollywood career managing movie extras, stand-ins and seat fillers, Smythe used his connections and mail-order MBA to fulfill his dream of following in his alleged ancestor’s footsteps. Changing his name slightly to fulfill the basic requirement for living in Beverly Hills, Addam Smythe became the Economist to the Stars. Capitalistbanter.com welcomes Mr. Smythe to our staff to answer your financial questions.

Dear Addam Smythe,

I just turned 59 and decided it’s time to start thinking about saving up for my retirement. What do you recommend I do?

Elbert in Omaha

Dear Elbert,

I suggest you ask your employer to begin deducting 25% of your net income and deposit it directly into a special checking account. Discipline yourself to use this checking account for one purpose: to purchase the kneepads you will need while begging your children to let you live with them.

Addam

Dear Mr. Smythe,

My eccentric uncle passed away recently and left me his home which he built out of soap in an attempt to cash in on what he called the “housing bubbles.” Is there anything I can do with it?

Barb in Seattle

Dear Barb,

Soap homes were once popular in countries where trees were considered to be gods. Perhaps you can find one of the remaining members of the Oakodox Church and hold an open house. A plate of toast burnt with the shape of maples might help.

Addam

Dear Addam Smythe,

What will be the “next big thing?”

Joe in Toledo

Dear Joe,

The “next big thing” will be green crayons. Billions of half-used crayons end up in landfills every June when school lets out, forming a waxy buildup on the planet that is threatening to cause Earth to slip out of orbit. Fifty-four nations have signed the Crayoto Treaty calling for a ban on crayon sales, a move that would cripple elementary education and leave refrigerators doors across the country uncovered, hurting the critical magnet industry. A market is building for an alternative. Put your money in green crayons.

Addam

Got a question for Addam Smythe, Economist to the Stars? Leave it in a comment.

Google and Disney Team Up to Expose Profitable Secrets

Representatives from Google and Disney held a press conference today to announce their new joint venture. Club Google will begin developing a number of products designed to capture the innermost thoughts and feelings of the highly sought after tween demographic. Production has already begun on the Google Princess Diary.

Stories and preferences will be fed via satellite directly from the strawberry scented pages simultaneously to Disney marketing and story development where they will be fed into a sophisticated algorithm and transformed into products, bands, movies, and television shows with guaranteed appeal.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner,” said a Disney writer. “This whole ‘no privacy’ thing is going to make it so much easier to come up with new story lines!”

“There isn’t any privacy, get over it,” Google’s Chief Internet Evangelist Vint Cerf told reporters. “Like that little lock and key ever kept anyone out anyway.”

Apple Users Boycott “Seinfeld” Reruns

Shocked at the news that Microsoft has hired Jerry Seinfeld as pitchman for a $300 million ad campaign to begin September 4, Apple users around the country are responding by boycotting “Seinfeld” reruns. “We ignored George’s lousy sitcom and Kramer using the N-word, but this atrocity will not stand!” said MacBook user Eric Wickman. “Jerry was an Apple guy. He never ever touched a Windows PC on the show, not even to download porn to tempt George during the ‘Master Of My Domain’ episode.”

The boycott could cost Jerry millions of dollars in residual income, since there is a “Seinfeld” rerun showing 24/7 somewhere on all cable carriers. “When we’re through with him, Porsche Boy will be back to taking the subway to buy his marbled rye,” said Elaine Benes, a cross-dresser who legally changed his name in an homage to his favorite character.

Microsoft is hoping Seinfeld will help sales of the Vista operating system, which have been hurt by Apple’s hilarious ‘Mac Guy versus PC Guy’ commercials, not to mention the fact that the only satisfied Vista users so far are Bill Gates’ inheritance-craving children. “Paying Jerry $10 million to appear with Bill Gates is a good investment,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “especially since Michael Phelps wanted $100 million and wouldn’t promise to not make fun of Bill’s hair.”

Apple fans are angry enough that the boycott could extend from “Seinfeld” reruns to Jerry’s recent film, “Bee Movie.” “I don’t want my kids supporting the output of a turncoat,” said iMac user Myra Cruze. “They see enough of that watching campaign ads.”

Jerry’s “Seinfeld” co-stars have mixed feelings about his new sponsorship. “Why couldn’t he endorse the Yankees?” asked Jason Alexander, who played George Constanza. “Everybody loves the Yankees!” “I use a Mac on my show, ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine,’ plugged Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who played Elaine. “Well, I think it’s a Mac. I use it to prop up the mirror when I’m getting my hair done. Doesn’t it look great?” Michael Richards, who played Cosmo Kramer, was not available for comment. He’s hitting the comedy clubs trying out new material he’ll be using to warm up the crowd at the Republican convention.

Jerry himself has his usual droll outlook on the controversy. “Did you ever notice how celebrities in commercials don’t look like they actually use the products they endorse? Did you ever see any dried oatmeal in Wilford Brimley’s mustache? Have you ever seen Martha Stewart making Chateaubriand in a 5 buck Target T-shirt? Excuse me, I‘m getting a call on my iPhone. Hello, Newman.”

Michael Phelps Signs Fragrance Deal

BEIJING, CHINA — Michael Phelps inked a deal today that will allow people from around the world to capture his unique scent. Pierre Bobonne from House Parissimimo described the new cologne as manly and athletic, with just a hint of chlorine and undertones of fried egg sandwich.

“We wanted to capture the full Phelps experience with this fragrance,” said Bobonne. “After these historic wins, young men will want to emulate Phelps in every way.”

While the primary market is young men who just want to smell great, Bonbonne is also targetting serious athletes who can use this new cologne for training purposes. Parissimimo has even included tones from Debbie Phelps’ perfume in the formula to put wearers more fully into the master swimmer’s state of mind. A name has not yet been chosen, but Dolfin (pronounced doll-feen) and Fishee are both being considered.

Exxon Sues Mother Nature

IRVING, TX - After oil prices plunged to a three-month low because Tropical Storm Edouard did nothing to disrupt oil and natural gas output in the Gulf of Mexico, lawyers for Exxon Mobil Corporation (motto: “Fill Your Tank Or We’ll Shoot This Dog!”) filed a lawsuit in federal court against Mother Nature, charging that she deliberately influenced the oil market by refusing to make Edouard a Category 5 hurricane. “The Democratic primaries proved you can’t count on a woman to do a man’s job,” said Exxon spokesperson Eric “Spin” Deltop. “Edouard could have been a manly price-boosting hurricane but turned out to be a girly thunderstorm in a pantsuit.”

When it was pointed out that Mother Nature is not a real person, Exxon attorney Phil Tanx said, “Neither is Santa Claus, but he’s killing our chances to drill under the North Pole. We’d sue him too if the CEO didn’t have so many grandkids.” “And what kind of name is Edouard anyway?” asked Deltop. “We gave the National Weather Service a list of preferred names, from Armageddon and Basher to Yankee Hater and Zebra Eater. What happened to them? I’m suing Al Roker on that one.”

Exxon Mobil’s lawsuit is supported by the other major oil companies as well as OPEC. A spokesperson for the Saudi Oil Ministry pointed out that Mother Nature has not been supportive in its requests for sandstorms, sand slides and sand worms. “We could use some help here,” he said. “Nobody buys our excuse anymore about production being down because mummies are guarding the oil fields.”

Since there’s no chance Mother Nature will show up for a trial, Exxon Mobil is hoping the case will be decided by the Supreme Court, which recently voted 5-to-4 in favor of a coalition of cosmetic dentists suing the Tooth Fairy.

Phone Book Makers Offer Up Alternative Uses

BEAVERTON, OREGON — The National Phone Book Association held a press conference today to roll out its new campaign with the slogan, Not Your Father’s Phone Book. Under increasing pressure from competing information sources that provide better information faster, the phone book industry must leverage its core competencies.

“Americans are stuck on this idea that the phone book is only for looking up phone numbers,” said NPBA President Olympia Suderis. “We’re trying to educate the public about all the other uses for a one to three inch stack of thin paper.”

Alternative uses espoused by the campaign include using phone books as booster seats, fire starters, and doorstops. “Several stacked together with a glass topper makes an excellent nightstand,” said Suderis. Phone books also make great step stools.

« Previous Page — Next Page »

Advertisement

Copyright © 2008 Capitalist Banter · Log in