Golden Parachute Makers Ramp Up Production
September 28, 2008
ARCADIA, CALIFORNIA — At least one sector of the economy enjoyed a boost last week as parachute maker Baleoot increased production of its exclusive line of golden parachutes.
“Used to be, we depended on a frustrated board of directors to oust a worthless CEO or other high ranking executive,” said Baleoot VP Susan MacArthur. “Those orders were so few and far between, we fabricated them on a custom basis. Now we’ve got the full faith and force of the United States government supporting our niche.”
MacArthur went on to explain that in addition to the traditional all golden design, Baleoot will begin manufacturing parachutes accented with industry specific colors. Blue for investment banks, green for retail banks, red for car companies, and black for oil companies.
The company is still working out some problems with parachutes made from actual gold, but expressed confidence the challenge will be met. “When you’re walking away with eight digits, you can get whatever you want,” MacArthur said.
Clay Aiken Admits in Fortune: “Yes, I’m Rich!”
September 25, 2008
New York, NY — Clay Aiken - ‘American Idol’ runner-up, star of ‘Monty Python’s Spamalot’ and new dad - admits in an upcoming issue of Fortune magazine that he is rich. “I guess you could say I’m finally coming out of the vault,” jokes Clay in the magazine’s cover story. “I want my child to grow up knowing that the man he sees his daddy with all of the time is his financial advisor.” The singer and actor will be featured on the Fortune cover cradling a blanket filled with gold bars, loose diamonds and the keys to his Ferrari.
Aiken was born into a poor family in Raleigh, North Carolina, and says he didn’t realize he was rich until a few years ago. “Unlike my friends, I was never attracted to food stamps, government cheese and second-hand stores,” says Clay. “I didn’t know it was OK to feel that way until I met Ryan Seacrest.” Seacrest - ‘American Idol’ host, DJ and television producer - was also confused about his identity as a poor boy but finally realized he was rich after earning an estimated $32 million per year.
Clay’s mother was the first to learn that her son was rich. “I always suspected it,” she reveals in the Fortune article. “While the other boys in the neighborhood were playing with action figures, little Clay was knitting blankets for his piggy bank.” Clay says his mom cried when he told her, especially when he showed her his new will that leaves everything he owns to Jaymes Foster - his best friend and the mother of his baby. “Jaymes has never laughed at me for being rich,” admits Aiken. “For the haircut - sure, but never for being rich.”
Clay hopes his fans will still accept him now that he’s open about his richness. “This doesn’t mean you should stop buying my CDs or coming to ‘Spamalot,’” he says. “Being a rich man is something I have to deal with every day. It’s not something I can change by praying for a recession or a big tax increase.”
Gym Teachers Outraged Over Ban on Shorts Selling
September 25, 2008
BUTTE, MONTANA — The United Federation of Gym Teachers held a press conference today to express concern over the recent ban on shorts selling. Hygiene and comfort were both cited as issues under the new regulations. As long as the selling of new shorts is prohibited, physical education is expected to suffer.
“What business does the federal government have mandating basketball attire?” was the question posed by David Smalley, gym teacher at Mountain Bluff Junior High School. “It’s already become a problem during our dodge ball intramural league,” he said. Some kids have even started wearing jeans to P.E. classes, which gives them an advantage in many ball-to-skin contact sports.
Gym teachers across the country oppose the ban on shorts selling, but students seem unfazed. “I can totally wear these for another year,” said Wade Pritchett, seventh grader. Manufacturers of shorts are shifting current inventories to the far east, where the selling of shorts has yet to fall under state oversight.
Chinese Olympics Committee Offers Wall Street Help
September 24, 2008
BEIJING — In a show of friendship coupled with a desire to keep the world’s banking system from crumbling like a stale fortune cookie, the Chinese Olympic Committee (motto: “Phelps schmelps — what else ya got?”) - the organization responsible for putting on the successful Summer Olympic Games in Beijing as well as fielding China’s strong Olympic team - has offered to help Wall Street get back on the right track. Hari Chin, head of the committee, explained it to reporters this way: “Take away our ten-million-man army, 200 million sweatshop workers and 30 million incarcerated college students and we’re die-hard capitalists just like you Americans.”
Chin developed the program that made the Beijing Olympics a success and he was able to convince China’s government to drop its Internet censorship firewall for five seconds so he could send Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson an email outlining a similar five point plan he recommends to get the American economy performing like a Chinese high diver needing enough points to get a gold medal and avoid a career trawling for escaped alligators in Beijing’s sewage system. Here are the five recommendations from the email:
1. Pageantry. Get traders excited about the market again by replacing the boring opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange with five thousand cute young Broadway performers singing “If I Were A Rich Man.”
2. Intimidation. Like the Chinese athletes who psyched out their bigger and stronger opponents by repeating lines from Jet Li movies, investment bankers need to intimidate politicians, foreign investors and the FBI by getting Speedo to design a skin-tight pinstripe suit that looks like it can shave seconds off their trading times.
3. Training. Wall Street needs to scour the country for infants who show a preference for getting their daily nourishment from watching CNBC instead of breastfeeding and ship them off to secret training centers at the Harvard Business School where they will be isolated from reality and groomed for 20 years into world-class hedge fund managers.
4. Deception. Like the fake clean air piped into Beijing for two weeks from a remote village in Upper Mongolia, Wall Street needs to deceive the public into thinking everything is wonderful by pumping the smell of money through the ventilation systems in all U.S. banks, except for those in Texas which will pump the smell of oil.
5. Guilt. Just as the fabulous Olympic closing ceremonies made billions of people around the world feel guilty for not watching the Olympic games, Wall Street needs to end every trading day with a nationally-televised parade down Fifth Avenue (think Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with floats carrying people whose investments went up that day) making Americans feel guilty about not watching CNBC and investing in the market.
Chin also pointed out that it’s just a coincidence that these are the same five points he sent to Bill Belichick to help the Patriots overcome the loss of Tom Brady.
Lehman Brothers Trades for Brett Favre
September 23, 2008
Financial giant Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. has traded $12 million in real estate assets to the New York Jets for quarterback Brett Favre.
Lehman chairman and CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr. stated that Favre’s expertise at improvising and making something out of nothing is sorely needed at Lehman Brothers in the wake of filing for the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. “All I know is that it’s fourth and long for Lehman. There’s no one else I’d rather trust to come through for us than Number Four,” Fuld said.
Though 38 years old, Favre is coming off one of his best seasons, in which he threw for 4,155 yards and 28 touchdowns, and paid off the mortgages on his vacation homes in Mississippi and Wisconsin. Favre is renowned for his last-second heroics and gunslinger attitude—a mindset which occasionally leads him to make ill-advised throws into double-coverage and award high-risk loans to questionable borrowers.
“I’m here to help Lehman Brothers win,” said Favre at his introductory press conference, where he appeared relaxed in his customary Wrangler jeans, gray T-shirt, stubble and aw-shucks grin. “There’s a lot of similarities between the West Coast Offense and running a global financial services firm. I’m still learning a lot of the terminology, but I think I can make some big plays for us down the road.”
Before he left the podium, a reporter asked Favre if he would commit to Lehman Brothers for more than one year.
“We’ll see,” Favre said.
Fed Refuses To Bail Out Emmy Awards
September 22, 2008
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In spite of drawing the lowest ratings in almost 20 years for the 60th anniversary broadcast of the gala ceremony, the Treasury Department has refused a request by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to bail out the Emmy Awards. “I enjoyed some of the show,” said Treasury Secretary Henry “It’s Hank - not Tank” Paulson. “It was nice to see Dick Nixon again in one of the funniest Laugh-In bits of all time. And that Heidi Klum reminds me of Sarah Palin on stilts - not that I’ve actually seen Sarah Palin on stilts.”
However, other segments of the telecast seemed to irritate Paulson. “Didn’t Candice Bergen play Murphy Brown? Who needs her? I wish I could hire Tommy Smothers just so I could fire his sorry yo-yo flinging ass! No wonder his mother liked Dickie best,” said the visibly red-faced Treasury Secretary. “And Alec Baldwin looks too much like Al Gore on a “the world’s coming to an end so I have to eat all the donuts I can” binge.”
When the head of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences told Paulson that the Emmy Award were too big to fail, Paulson asked, “Did you see Howie Mandel? After that sorry performance, I wouldn’t even bail out the banker on “Deal or No Deal.””
Members of the Academy immediately accused Paulson of having a bias against Hollywood. “Not true,” said Paulson. “I’m a big fan of “Mad Men.” Those were the days — booze, cigarettes, tight skirts and loose expense accounts. I’d kick another $100 billion into the bailout of we could bring those good old days back.” Paulson also pointed out that he’s a fan of other awards shows. “I love the Golden Globes,” he admitted. In fact, my favorite golden globes are the ones on Eva Longoria. Ba-da-bing! If the Emmy hosts had that kind of comedy, I’d bail them out in a Hollywood minute. Instead, I’m like the Soup Nazi on “Seinfeld.” No soup for you, Emmy Awards! Next!”
Missing SEC Chairman’s whereabouts discovered
September 22, 2008
As Wall Street continues its stunning downward spiral, many investors and former regulators have been discussing the actions (or lack thereof) of the Chairman of the Securities and Exchange commissioner Chris Cox. Wall Street’s “top cop” has been available in recent days as the full brunt of the crisis has unfolded. But two weeks ago, Cox was a near invisible man in the financial sector. Reporters, investors and politicians have been wondering where Cox has been. Now, due to some intrepid reporting, Cox’s whereabouts have been determined.
As it turns out Chris Cox has spent the last 2 years traveling the highways and byways of America following Austin TX based country music stalwarts Asleep at the Wheel. Front man for Asleep at the Wheel Ray Benson said of his biggest fan, “Man, he’s seen us play “The Letter That Johnny Walker Read” at least 30 times this year!”
Indeed Chris Cox has spent months and months wandering from venues like Branson Missouri’s’ Silver Dollar City to Tulsa Oklahoma’s Million Dollar Elm Casino completely enraptured with the sounds of Country and Western swing.
When reached for comment on this shocking development, Chris Cox said “When George brought me on in 2005, I agreed to take the job only if I was able to have enough time for personal projects. George asked me what kind of personal projects I had in mind and I told him ‘I’ll probably be at Asleep at the Wheel’. He just smiled and told me that’s what he had in mind the whole time.”
You Can’t Make This Up: Weather Machines
September 22, 2008
I had good intentions this morning of writing a pithy little post about Hurricane Ike being the result of a global weather machine in the hands of an evil empire. However, when I started googling my way to some fun pop culture references, I found instead evidence of actual weather modification program. I swear it it getting harder and harder to write satire.
Real life weather control processes are alive and well in China, Russia, and the United States. Cloud seeding is the attempt to change the amount or type of precipitation in a given area. Substances such as silver oxide and carbon dioxide are released into the air in the hopes of spurring the condensation process. Some companies claim the ability to filter or desalinate the air with artificial rain. And according to Wikipedia, the technology dates back to the turn of the century - the last century. Perhaps we all need to start reading science publications?
Check out these REAL news items:
Aisa Times - China attempts to thwart rain for opening ceremonies of Beijing Olympics.
CNET News - New Mexico’s Altela company (CEO, Ned Godshall) makes it rain. Not satire? Wow.
DreamWorks Animation To Remake “Wall Street” As Cartoon
September 19, 2008
HOLLYWOOD, CA – In an attempt to take advantage of the recent crisis on Wall Street, DreamWorks Animation, the only moneymaking division of DreamWorks SKG (motto: “I’m Steven Spielberg and I approved this movie”), announced it will remake the classic 80’s dramatic film “Wall Street” as a feature-length comedy cartoon.
Called “Gordon Shreko,” the cartoon will replace the Gordon Gekko character, played by Michael Douglas, with Shrek, played by Mike Myers. Gekko’s signature line – “Greed is, for lack of a better word, good” – will be replaced by Shrek’s new philosophy: “Donkey, two things, OK? Bail … out!”
Eddie Murphy will play Bud Donkey, assuming the role of the ambitious young stockbroker, Bud Fox, played in the original by Charlie Sheen. Shreko will take him under his hairy arm and teach him how to follow the rules, avoid risks and invest wisely, turning him from an ass into a poor but happy Wall Street mule.
Cameron Diaz as Fiona will play Shreko’s trophy girlfriend, who is an actual trophy the Wall Street ogre keeps on his mantle next to the one he won bowling on the Lehman Brothers team.
‘We want to show that what’s happening on Wall Street is a comedy of errors,” said Steven Speilberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen, co-owners of DreamWorks SKG. “Kind of like everything we’ve invested in besides “Shrek” and “Shrek 2.””
“Gordon Shreko” is scheduled for release in early 2009. If it’s successful, DreamWorks Animation plans to follow it with a remake of “The Bonfire of the Vanities” called “Antz Take Over The New York Stock Exchange.”
Biden Sues HeroBuilders.com
September 19, 2008
Joe Biden filed a discrimination suit in US Circuit court today against HeroBuilders.com. The company has manufactured action figures of Obama, McCain and Palin but not Biden. A spokesperson for Senator Biden stated that “The Senator has been in touch with the ACLU and been informed that Hero Builders are clearly violating his civil rights.”
Biden had this to say when reporters interviewed him. “I don’t understand why I’m being ignored in the elec . . . pardon me, the action figure venue. Even John Edwards has a doll and he’s not even on the ballot.”
Representatives of HeroBuilder.com are in talks to settle out of court. An insider said “Hero Builders isn’t willing to commit to a full fledged action figure but may release a Plushie if the Senator is willing to compromise.”
