Most Popular Russian iPhone Apps
October 3, 2008
MOSCOW — Apple’s iPhone went on sale in Russia for the first time ever on October 3rd and Russians are snatching them up and downloading specially-designed killer apps from their own Apple store (iTuneski). Here are the most frequently downloaded Russian apps so far:
PocketBalalaika: Turns your iPhone into a virtual balalaika, complete with a selection of new and traditional Russian songs to play along to, including “Vodka Bottle Polka,” “Which Way Is Poland?” and “Putin On The Ritz.”
GulagSolitaire: A solitaire game like your grandparents played in the gulag, with cards that look like they were made from smuggled crackers and a special button to make them disappear when a guard is coming.
PandoraRadioFreeEurope: Your own free personalized radio with your favorite propaganda selections from the United States, Great Britain and the former Soviet republics. Choose your topic (democracy, jazz, Paris Hilton) and Pandora will create a pirate station just for you (KGB scrambling software extra).
Crash Bandicoot Moscow Bus 3D: Crash races an overloaded slow-moving Moscow buses through narrow streets, picking up points for avoiding government officials and running over tourists.
PhoneSaber Russia: Ever wished you could swing your iPhone around like a real Russian saber? Now you can with PhoneSaber Russia. Its sound effects include swishing, stabbing the enemy, head-chopping and slicing sausages for lunch.
Sturgeon Pond: Relax as you watch lovely beluga sturgeon swim and play on your iPhone, then are gently lifted out of the water, sliced open and de-caviared onto crispy crackers that you can almost taste.
Secret Recorder: Use your iPhone as a voice or sound recorder. Comes with a special “chameleon” display that makes the phone blend into its background (government use only).
Whistle Blower Exposes Diebold’s Ultimate Plan
September 10, 2008
After a surprising admission from Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) last month that its electronic voting machines had been running on flawed software for the past decade, an insider today divulged the real plan behind the machine’s tendency to drop votes.
“The idea was to get a machine in the White House by the year 2000,” said former head programmer HAL Clarke, who prefers his first name appear in all caps. “If everything had gone as planned, we could have had this whole country on auto-pilot by now. Money supply, energy rations, even the war in Iraq - all that can be remote controlled.”
Diebold’s diabolical plan to get a digital candidate ‘elected’ to the highest office in the land would have worked too, had it not been for those ‘meddling kids’ exposing the voting machine’s software flaws. “The hackers really saved the world this time,” Clarke said. He also warned we shouldn’t let our guard down now. “I hear Nickelodeon’s preparing SpongeBob to run in 2012,” he said.
Microsoft to Replace Jerry Seinfeld with Jerry Lewis
September 9, 2008
REDMOND, WA — Upset by the millions of negative emails sent to its Redmond headquarters after the first airings of its new $300 million ad campaign featuring comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Microsoft Corporation (motto: “Wait till you see our NEXT operating system!”) announced it is replacing Seinfeld with 82-year-old legendary comic Jerry Lewis. “I saw him on the telethon and he still makes me laugh,” said Microsoft VP of Marketing Tosyuchi Kowalski. “I can’t wait to hear him yell, “Hey, Vista!”
Virtually all of the emails complained that the new commercial - showing Jerry Seinfeld helping Bill Gates buy shoes at a discount store - made no sense. “Why wasn’t there at least a guy named Mac for Jerry to hit with a marbled rye?” asked one of the few emails with comments suitable for a family blog. “If they want us to watch ass-wiggling, they should have had Brad Pitt play Bill Gates,” said another. Most simply ranted: “F*** Jerry, it’s a s***** @%$!+ commercial, you %$)*&! blue-screen m*****-f*****s!”
Bill Gates was said to be heartbroken over having to fire Seinfeld. “It’s not about his fee - Jerry’s $10 million salary is tooth fairy money to Bill,” said Kowalski. “Once the commercials were done, Jerry promised to give Bill a picture he took of Julia Louis-Dreyfus nude in a hot tub full of vanilla pudding. Now he’ll never get it.”
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer questioned the switch to the aging Lewis, at least until he was given secret documents which show that among Microsoft users, searches for “Nutty Professor” outnumber “Soup Nazi” 2-to-1, and searches for “Hey Lady!” outnumber “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” almost 4-to-1. Ballmer put it this way: “This guy couldn’t be any more popular if he was caught getting out of a limo without pants … not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Shooting for the new commercials will begin as soon as Lewis promises not to bring any handguns or seltzer bottles to Redmond. Lewis is expected to add his own unique style to the next ad. In a phone call from Los Angeles, he said, “Expect to see crooked teeth, thick glasses and bad hair. And that’s just on Bill Gates! Ba-da-bing! Hey, Lady!”
Sony Unveils Vaio Fireplace Starter
September 5, 2008
TOKYO — Sony Inc. (motto: “Your TV isn’t too big … your wall is too small!”) unveiled its first product in the fireplace starter market: the Sony Vaio Power Kindling Kit. “We’re serious about starting fires,” said Oki Muskoki, Sony’s new VP of PK (Power Kindling). “We will have 440,000 Power Kindling Kits in the stores by the end of the month.”
The Sony Vaio Power Kindling Kit is based on the popular Sony Vaio TZ series laptop computers, which have mysteriously disappeared from store shelves in recent days. The kit consists of the PK unit and a dual-purpose cord which is used for powering up the unit and then for yanking it out of the fireplace when the fire starts. Users are instructed to place the unit in the fireplace, surround it with twigs, newspapers and old Vaio laptop brochures, and then plug it in and stand back. With seconds, improperly placed wires in the unit overheat and set the kindling ablaze. “It’s a pretty sight,” said Muskoki. “Those Vaio laptop brochures burn in really bright colors. We recommend using as many as you can find.”
Sony’s lawyers assure customers that the Vaio Power Kindling Kit is not dangerous when used properly. “Just keep it away from children, old people and inebriated adults and you’ll be fine,” said Muskoki. Sony engineers are testing a wider version of the Vaio Power Kindling Kit that will be available around Christmas under the name Sony Vaio Home Benihana Kit. The Benihana Kit converts the Vaio screen into a flat cooking surface for shrimp, chicken and scrambled eggs. “We’re still working out a few bugs,” said Muskoki. “It’s tough sharpening a mouse into a chopping knife.
Google and Disney Team Up to Expose Profitable Secrets
August 27, 2008
Representatives from Google and Disney held a press conference today to announce their new joint venture. Club Google will begin developing a number of products designed to capture the innermost thoughts and feelings of the highly sought after tween demographic. Production has already begun on the Google Princess Diary.
Stories and preferences will be fed via satellite directly from the strawberry scented pages simultaneously to Disney marketing and story development where they will be fed into a sophisticated algorithm and transformed into products, bands, movies, and television shows with guaranteed appeal.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner,” said a Disney writer. “This whole ‘no privacy’ thing is going to make it so much easier to come up with new story lines!”
“There isn’t any privacy, get over it,” Google’s Chief Internet Evangelist Vint Cerf told reporters. “Like that little lock and key ever kept anyone out anyway.”
Michael Arrington and Jason Calacanis to Announce KidCrunch 50 at Next Months’ TechCrunch 50
August 25, 2008
SILICON VALLEY - Michael Arrington of TechCrunch and Jason Calacanis of Mahalo and Twitter and FriendFeed and email newsletters and “fire your PR person” fame will be announcing a new event at next month’s TechCrunch 50 event, a launch pad for start-ups. Dubbed KidCrunch 50, the event will take place December 24 and 25, 2008 at the Moscone Center in San Francisco, California. Designed as a launch event for companies with executives aged 17 and under.
While the age limitation seemed exclusive, Calacanis explained that the duo are looking to “kill DEMO as well as our own TechCrunch 50 event. I mean, we have to get these kids when they are young in order to really kill DEMO. They are looking for people with experience and some kind of business plan thing. We just want to get these kids before they get that experience or those business plans. Then we’re sure to kill DEMO, and if we kill our own launch conference in the process, so be it. And hey, go comment on my dogs’ pictures on Flickr!”
Even more curious than the age limit are the dates chosen for the event, which will conflict with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When asked about the conflict, Arrington replied, “What the hell do these kids need Christmas for? If they get into our event, that’s better than anything Santa could give them! Who needs Santa when you have TechCrunch coverage?”
Apple Users Boycott “Seinfeld” Reruns
August 21, 2008
Shocked at the news that Microsoft has hired Jerry Seinfeld as pitchman for a $300 million ad campaign to begin September 4, Apple users around the country are responding by boycotting “Seinfeld” reruns. “We ignored George’s lousy sitcom and Kramer using the N-word, but this atrocity will not stand!” said MacBook user Eric Wickman. “Jerry was an Apple guy. He never ever touched a Windows PC on the show, not even to download porn to tempt George during the ‘Master Of My Domain’ episode.”
The boycott could cost Jerry millions of dollars in residual income, since there is a “Seinfeld” rerun showing 24/7 somewhere on all cable carriers. “When we’re through with him, Porsche Boy will be back to taking the subway to buy his marbled rye,” said Elaine Benes, a cross-dresser who legally changed his name in an homage to his favorite character.
Microsoft is hoping Seinfeld will help sales of the Vista operating system, which have been hurt by Apple’s hilarious ‘Mac Guy versus PC Guy’ commercials, not to mention the fact that the only satisfied Vista users so far are Bill Gates’ inheritance-craving children. “Paying Jerry $10 million to appear with Bill Gates is a good investment,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “especially since Michael Phelps wanted $100 million and wouldn’t promise to not make fun of Bill’s hair.”
Apple fans are angry enough that the boycott could extend from “Seinfeld” reruns to Jerry’s recent film, “Bee Movie.” “I don’t want my kids supporting the output of a turncoat,” said iMac user Myra Cruze. “They see enough of that watching campaign ads.”
Jerry’s “Seinfeld” co-stars have mixed feelings about his new sponsorship. “Why couldn’t he endorse the Yankees?” asked Jason Alexander, who played George Constanza. “Everybody loves the Yankees!” “I use a Mac on my show, ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine,’ plugged Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who played Elaine. “Well, I think it’s a Mac. I use it to prop up the mirror when I’m getting my hair done. Doesn’t it look great?” Michael Richards, who played Cosmo Kramer, was not available for comment. He’s hitting the comedy clubs trying out new material he’ll be using to warm up the crowd at the Republican convention.
Jerry himself has his usual droll outlook on the controversy. “Did you ever notice how celebrities in commercials don’t look like they actually use the products they endorse? Did you ever see any dried oatmeal in Wilford Brimley’s mustache? Have you ever seen Martha Stewart making Chateaubriand in a 5 buck Target T-shirt? Excuse me, I‘m getting a call on my iPhone. Hello, Newman.”
New Social Network Encourages Introversion
August 21, 2008
Holly Williams is active on MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Flickr. She Tweets her Twitter followers on the hour. While Holly is certain she joined the various networks for good reasons, she can’t remember what those were. She now spends up to four hours a day updating profiles and keeping up to date with friends and friends of friends.
“It is so overwhelming staying connected to so many people,” Williams said. That’s why she joined the latest addition to her toolbar - IntroVert. The new social networking site is aimed at introverts and those who would benefit from cultivating the intro lifestyle.
Intro-virgins are encouraged to adopt a plain-faced animated avatar with no smile or frown. The cumbersome and time-consuming process of adding friends was intentionaly designed to discourage the accumulation of many friends. Verteran intros progress through a series of anti-social status from Wallflower to Cavedweller.
IntroVert expects a strong revenue stream from advertising home-delivery companies like Netflix and Amazon. “We want people to know it’s okay to stay inside and not interact with anyone, even virtually,” said an IntroVert spokesman.
As for Holly, she’s trying, but old habits are hard to break. “I’m still working on my ’shy’ profile. I just wish there was a way to import all my contacts into IntroVert.”
Palm To Spin Off Subsidiaries Thumb And Pinkie
August 20, 2008
Palm, Inc. (motto: “We don’t make the PalmPilot anymore … get over it!”) announced it will divest itself of two low-performing subsidiaries - Thumb LLC and Pinkie International - in an attempt to focus its resources on regaining leadership in the highly competitive smartphone field.
“Thumb and Pinkie simply lost their grip on their markets,” said Palm spokesperson Bob Digitus. Thumb LLC, the division responsible for R&D on keypads, never recovered from the disastrous recommendation to enlarge the keys on Palm Treos to compensate for people who are all thumbs. “That Treo was the size of a Etch-a-Sketch,” said Digitus, “and about as useless.” Thumb is looking down the road at offers from other smartphone manufacturers and may hitch a ride with HP.
Pinkie International handled overseas marketing for Palm. “Our European sales were zilch in 2007,” said Digitus. “Those guys must have been sitting around picking their noses.” European companies looking for experienced technical salespeople are being advised to give Pinkie a ring.
Palm’s future business is now in the hands of a core of developers left from the Treo product line, renamed the Index Division. “Index is pointed directly at the iPhone,” said Digitus. “They have a finger on the pulse of the smartphone business.” Index management has been poked out by new V.P. of development Dave Q. Tuckel, the world’s top smartphone designer and former head of the engineering department at Florida Institute of Smartphone Technology (FIST).
Hormel Working To Fight Spam With Spam
August 20, 2008
Hoping to capitalize on Spam’s near cult status and increasing mainstream popularity, Hormel Foods has teamed up with consulting firm McKinsey to find a way to fight Internet spam with Spam. The ham based sandwich filler has been showing up in lunch boxes for years. Hormel and McKinsey are determined to find a way to put it to work in your inbox as well.
“We’re not exactly sure how it’s going to work, but we’re confident that a high fat canned lunch meat made from mysterious ingredients holds the answer to annoying email and overtaxed servers,” said Hormel representative Silas Pigg.
The Spam brand has been buoyed in recent years by the Monty Python stage show Spamalot and Americans’ demand for foods that are both cheap and gelatinous. Although Hormel has already been approached by several software companies hoping to license the Spam name, they see this as an opportunity to branch out into new business areas.
“If we can sell meat that comes in a can, we can do anything,” said Pigg.
