Best-selling author and colorblind fashionista Tom Whitesute captures the greed, deception, class politics and rampant cross-dressing that has caused the current Wall Street crisis in his new novel, “The Backfire of the Vanities.”

The plot centers around Hatfield McCoy, a brilliant young multimillionaire mortgage broker who invented a mathematical formula for making unemployed buggy whip makers appear to have the financial wherewithal of brilliant young multimillionaire mortgage brokers. McCoy’s wife, Paris, spends his money like the hotel heiress she wishes she were instead of the former stripper pole tester she actually is. Their life “backfires” on them when they accidentally bump into a black man who is having difficulty making payments on the mortgage Hatfield sold him, and Paris defends her husband by calling him a “Massah of your universe.”

The offended man takes his story to tabloid publisher Rufus Mudsling, who blows it up into a tale of Wall Street bankers taking advantage of millions of poor innocent first-time homeowners. He is aided by the Rabbi Aaron Sharpstein, New York’s only Jewish-and-African-American rabbi, who preaches to an empty temple but still manages to get on the nightly news four times a week.

Seeing an opportunity to shift the blame, the U.S. president, the Treasury Secretary, the Federal Reserve Chairman and Bill O’Reilly all identify McCoy as the cause of the collapse of the mortgage banking industry, the stock market and possibly the New York Yankees. Hatfield and Paris are forced to flee the country - Hatfield disguised as Pamela Anderson and Paris as Tommy Lee in costumes they wore frequently to their favorite transvestite swingers club.

With McCoy gone, Mudsling and Sharpstein no longer have a case and the Treasury Department ends up bailing out the banking industry itself using taxpayer money, lottery tickets and the proceeds from selling fake billion-dollar bills on eBay.

In a fictional National Enquirer article at the end of the book, we learn that Hatfield and Paris start a new life in Paris, France, as owners of a cross-dresser café called Come As You Aren’t. It is quickly franchised worldwide and Hatfield uses his new billions to bail out Wall Street.

Whitesute is currently working on a screenplay based on “The Backfire of the Vanities” for a movie that will star anyone but Tom Hanks.

In light of recent national economic events, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for any and all future applications for credit with us, the American Taxpayers. However, we regret to inform you that we cannot extend credit terms to you at the present time, based negative reports we received back from various credit bureaus and leading economists.

Also, we just gave you $700 billion.

Should circumstances change in the future, please feel free to resubmit an application. If you feel that there may be errors in the records of the credit reporting agency, we suggest that you contact them and review their current information. In the event that there have been errors made, please submit a revised report to us for our reconsideration.

Please feel free to call me if you have any questions or if I can be of assistance to you in any way.

Yours very truly,
American Taxpayer

PS - Tell your friend Schwartzenegger we have no credit for him either.

MOSCOW — Apple’s iPhone went on sale in Russia for the first time ever on October 3rd and Russians are snatching them up and downloading specially-designed killer apps from their own Apple store (iTuneski). Here are the most frequently downloaded Russian apps so far:

PocketBalalaika: Turns your iPhone into a virtual balalaika, complete with a selection of new and traditional Russian songs to play along to, including “Vodka Bottle Polka,” “Which Way Is Poland?” and “Putin On The Ritz.”

GulagSolitaire: A solitaire game like your grandparents played in the gulag, with cards that look like they were made from smuggled crackers and a special button to make them disappear when a guard is coming.

PandoraRadioFreeEurope: Your own free personalized radio with your favorite propaganda selections from the United States, Great Britain and the former Soviet republics. Choose your topic (democracy, jazz, Paris Hilton) and Pandora will create a pirate station just for you (KGB scrambling software extra).

Crash Bandicoot Moscow Bus 3D: Crash races an overloaded slow-moving Moscow buses through narrow streets, picking up points for avoiding government officials and running over tourists.

PhoneSaber Russia: Ever wished you could swing your iPhone around like a real Russian saber? Now you can with PhoneSaber Russia. Its sound effects include swishing, stabbing the enemy, head-chopping and slicing sausages for lunch.

Sturgeon Pond: Relax as you watch lovely beluga sturgeon swim and play on your iPhone, then are gently lifted out of the water, sliced open and de-caviared onto crispy crackers that you can almost taste.

Secret Recorder: Use your iPhone as a voice or sound recorder. Comes with a special “chameleon” display that makes the phone blend into its background (government use only).

With apologies to Robert Fulghum, all you really need to know about economics, Wall Street and the bailout you learned in kindergarten …

You can never get your lunch money back from a bully, but you can show him your stomach rash and make him barf what he bought with it.

When a fart is detected, blame it on the kid whose immigrant parents give him bean sandwiches for lunch.

If you put the last block on the top of a stack, you can take credit for the entire stack.

The secret to good grades is sitting next to a smart kid who writes big.

Say you’re sorry, but first make sure the teacher is listening.

Teachers come and go, but a principal who appreciates your booger jokes is too big to fail.

You can take anything you want as long as you say, “My daddy can fire your daddy.”

Fake dog poop never loses its value.

Nap time is a great time to look for change that falls out of the pockets of kids who toss and turn.

Learn to flush and it’s up to your teacher to prove she gave you a note for your parents.

Sticking together is a sign you flunked paste.

Dick had more fun than Jane.

The bonus will be known as the Gates & Seinfeld Party Mixx or the Seinfeld & Gates Party Mixx, depending on the outcome of ongoing negotiations. Ironically, the song lists will only play on iPods. When asked for comment on the confusing strategy, a Crispin-Porter representative answered, “We don’t expect the average consumer to understand, and we’re not about to explain it. It’s all about an image.”

No information could be obtained regarding Gates’ picks, but sources close to Seinfeld say he’s considering such classics as ‘Da Doo Ron Ron’ and ‘Your Mama Don’t Dance’.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The popularity of ‘America’s Got Talent’ coupled with the current economic crisis has convinced producer Simon Cowell to create its first spin-off. Called ‘America’s Got Bailout’, it will be hosted by Jerry Springer, whose own financial situation has forced him to work a third job in addition to hosting ‘America’s Got Talent’ and ‘The Jerry Springer Show’. “I listened to John McCain and now I’ve got more mortgaged homes than trailer parks have hookers posing as nuns,” said Springer.

According to Cowell, ‘America’s Got Bailout’ will follow a talent show format featuring politicians, CEOs, investment bankers, fund managers and various other Wall Street experts competing to come up with a bailout program for a country selected beforehand by a viewer poll. “America’s economy has screwed up the rest of the world, so the least it can do is attempt to fix it while offering viewers a chance to see so-called experts humiliated before a live audience,” said Cowell.

Each week, the financial experts will develop a bailout plan based on the chosen country’s national debt, tax rates, unemployment level, stock market indicators and number of CEOs in jail or under indictment. A panel of judges - Warren Buffet, Jim Cramer and Paula Abdul - will pick the plans apart and decide whether the expert will go on or go home. “Warren and Jim are the financial experts,” said Cowell. “Paula is on the panel because she’s got pictures of me kissing Ryan Seacrest.”

At the end of the season, the winning bailout plan will be presented to the selected country (the first is expected to be Albania) along with a check for $1 billion drawn from Wachovia Bank. The winning financial expert will received $1 million in used limos, yachts and Lear jets confiscated during the American bailout. The show will be broadcast on NBC, which is owned by General Electric - a recent recipient of $3 billion from Warren Buffet. In return, NBC promised to ban Jay Leno from telling any jokes about Warren’s recently-revealed affair with Washington Post publisher Katharine Graham, to which Leno responded, “Who?”

LONDON — The remaining members of Pink Floyd - Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Nick Mason - got together briefly to issue an apology to their fans and to anyone hurt during the current worldwide economic crisis for the influence their mega-hit song ‘Money’ may have had on the perpetrators of the financial meltdown. “Who knew back in 1973 that singing “Money, it’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash” would have such an effect on Wall Street?” asked Waters. “We were just stoned and singing about buying some munchies … I think.”

‘Money’ - from the epic ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album - was released in 1973, about the time Hank Paulson, Ben Bernanke and the CEOs of most investment banks were in business college or just getting their first jobs as traders. It was the first album most of them played over-and-over on their stereo systems and it has since been heard at least once a day on every oldies rock station in the country. “I blame FM radio,” says Gilmour. ““Money” was written to be listened to once a year, about the time you’re trying to get in the mood to do your income taxes.”

The lyrics “I’m in the hi-fidelity, first class traveling set, and I think I need a Lear jet” appear to have had the biggest influence on today’s financial leaders. “Don’t blame me. I had nothing to do with that song,” says Mason. “I’m just the drummer. I thought we were here to announce a reunion tour.” Waters, Gilmour and Mason confirmed that the band was not getting back together, due to - you guessed it - money problems.

NEW YORK, NY — Thousands of depressed Wall Street traders, portfolio managers and investment bankers have flocked to a small bagel shop on Broadway to see a toasted bagel that appears to be burned with the face of Adam Smith, the father of free market economics. “It’s a sign!” cried ex-Lehman Brothers employee Scott Remkluy. “Adam is coming back to help us through this mess!” “It’s a miracle!” exclaimed former Washington Mutual vice president Les Imtrew, in New York looking for work selling fake leather briefcases on the street. “It’s bunk!” yelled an unnamed long-haired bearded man wearing a sheet and carrying a sign that read, “The end is near - buy me a beer!”

Murray Johnstein, owner of the Hello Jelly bagel shop, says he saw the unusual bagel while filling an order for a sesame-toasted-with-a-schmear. “It’s a good thing I didn’t schmear,” said Murray. “I can buy a lot of cream cheese with what these crazy bankers are offering to pay for that bagel.” At first, Johnstein didn’t know whose picture was toasted on the bagel, but a number of out-of-work Wall Streeters in the shop for the “Free bagel if you show your old Bear Stearns badge” promotion immediately recognized the regulations-eating grin of Adam Smith.

Both Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson refused to examine the bagel to determine if it is indeed Adam Smith and if might have miraculous powers. That hasn’t stopped the parade of believers through Hello Jelly to view the toasted treat. Johnstein has placed the bagel in a glass case to protect it from unemployed traders trying to rub Adam’s face on their now-silent Blackberries. Johnstein plans to put the bagel up for bids on eBay, but will wait until all of the tortillas, pieces of toast and grass-stained pants adorned with the faces of Jesus, Mary and Abraham Lincoln are auctioned off to avoid competition.

“Used to be, we depended on a frustrated board of directors to oust a worthless CEO or other high ranking executive,” said Baleoot VP Susan MacArthur. “Those orders were so few and far between, we fabricated them on a custom basis. Now we’ve got the full faith and force of the United States government supporting our niche.”

MacArthur went on to explain that in addition to the traditional all golden design, Baleoot will begin manufacturing parachutes accented with industry specific colors. Blue for investment banks, green for retail banks, red for car companies, and black for oil companies.

The company is still working out some problems with parachutes made from actual gold, but expressed confidence the challenge will be met. “When you’re walking away with eight digits, you can get whatever you want,” MacArthur said.

Stephen King, the world’s scariest writer outside of the guy who does the warnings in pharmaceutical packages, announced he has begun what he believes will be his greatest horror novel. Titled “Bank Sematary,” it is the story of Frank Baulson, a small-town banker who does his best to save the mortgages of the local townfolk, then buries the foreclosed ones (mortgages, that is - although he considered both) in his back yard - only to have them come back to life in a horrific and monstrous form to terrorize Wall Street, Washington and everyone on the planet except the one man who can save them all … Warner Puffet.

“The story came to me in a nightmare after watching President Bush’s speech on the bailout,” says King. “Not only did it make me wet the bed, I shredded the sheets, decapitated the headboard and strangled my clock radio until Don Imus spoke no more. I haven’t had that much fun since I quit drinking!”

The horror master denies the book sounds a lot like one of his early hits, “Pet Sematary.” “That was about a dead cat that comes back to life,” says King. “There’s no cats in Bank Sematary … except for the one Baulson sacrifices to god of free markets, Adam Smith. It doesn’t come back to life, but Baulson does get some help from its invisible paw.” King refused to say how Puffet saves the world, except for one hint: “It involves junk bonds, solar energy and the pinkie finger of Federal Reserve Chairman Ken Kernanke.”

King is rushing to complete the book before vampire novelist Anne Rice returns to the genre with her own novel about the Wall Street financial crisis called “The Vampire Subprime.”