BENTONVILLE, AR – In an attempt to stop American pharmaceutical users from going to Canada and Mexico for cheap placebos, Wal-Mart announced that all in-store pharmacies will now carry its own line of low-cost placebos. Called Walcebos, the inert pills, tablets and time-release capsules will sell for $2 per 100, less than half of the price of placebos at most competing pharmacies but more than triple the price of the M&M’s, Reese’s Pieces and Skittles they closely resemble.
“Patients don’t realize that American placebos are rigidly regulated and stringently tested before being placed in phony packages with bogus instructions and warnings,” said chief pharmacist Jake Walton, great-grandson of the company founder, head of Wal-Mart Pharmacy Operations and the only descendent to ever actually cash a Wal-Mart paycheck. “You have no idea what could be in placebos smuggled from Canada or ordered over the Internet. They could even contain actual drugs smuggled from the United States to Canada by terrorists trying to bring down the American pharmaceutical industry.” When asked by reporters for specific evidence of this, Walton referred them to his corporate lobbyist, a former senator who left office in disgrace after admitting that an addiction to placebos drove him to try other phony things, like cops disguised as prostitutes.
Customers at a Wal-Mart pharmacy in Pittsburgh had mixed feelings about Walcebos. “I get regular placebos for my kids instead of Ritalin because they eat that stuff like candy,” said a harried-looking Marla Trover. “Now I can use the money I save to get back on the Pill. I wonder if I can get that in a Walcebo too?” Roger Almason wasn’t so positive. “My doctor don’t like ‘em. He says they got weird side effects, like tooth decay and turnin’ your tongue blue. I can’t go to work with a blue tongue. They’ll think I’m getting’ high on spray paint, not that I would know anything about that.”
Most doctors surveyed said they’ll take a wait-and-see approach to Walcebos. They plan to wait and see what kind of free trips Walcebo sales reps offer for prescribing them. In the meantime, Wal-Mart reports that Sam’s Club wholesale stores are already sold out of Walcebos in 1000-pill bottles, 5,000-pill barrels and 50-pound sacks.