CHICAGO, IL – After announcing plans to cut costs by laying off 950 pilots, United Airlines unveiled a revolutionary new program to economically replace them in the cockpit. Called “Fly Your Bags Free,” the program will allow two passengers per plane to check as many bags they want at no charge in return for flying the plane to their destination. “Of course, we’d prefer that the passengers are experienced pilots,” said Roger “Flash” Corrigan, a former runway flashlight waver recently promoted to United Worldwide Flight Crew Coordinator. “However, in a pinch we’ll take anyone who’s every played Flight Simulator or operated a radio-controlled aircraft – even one of those sissy kind where you spin around in a circle with the plane attached to a wire.” If the passenger pilot is a member of United’s frequent flyer program, he or she will also receive quadruple miles for the flight. “If anybody has incentive to get our planes to their destination on time or sooner, it’s our frequent flyers,” says Corrigan. “They’ll also be allowed to board and de-board first.”
In another coast-cutting move, United’s passenger pilots will be guided through takeoffs and landings by air traffic controllers working out of a call center in India. The controllers are trained in basic air traffic control functions like talking slowly, using Mapquest and constantly remind the pilots to speak over the plane’s intercom in a drawl. Corrigan refused to comment on a rumor that United will soon offer a similar program to any passengers willing to replace flight attendants. “It’s easy to fly planes — they’ve got autopilot,” said Corrigan. “It takes real skill to guide a food and beverage cart through a crowded plane without drinking half the liquor yourself.”