Past Problems Come Back to Haunt Popular Radio Announcer
Don Imus, one of the more controversial radio announcers in America, has taken a week-long medical leave, sources say.
Prior to a scheduled news release by his physicians, rumors abounded that Mr. Imus had experienced a relapse in his long battle with alcoholism. Although sober for more than 20 years, Mr. Imus has publicly acknowledged past drinking problems.
At a hospital press conference conducted by St Mary’s hospital, however, Imus’ true condition was revealed. “The tread marks in Imus’ mouth have become infected,” stated Dr. Martin Schreiber, an oral surgeon associated with the hospital. “We repeatedly warned Mr. Imus about inserting his foot in his mouth and the dangers inherent with this practice. These latest racial statements he issued this week about Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones clearly shows that he did not heed our advice. His foot was jammed all the way down to his stomach this time,” Schreiber continued.
Schreiber further revealed that the tread marks were in such bad shape from overuse that gangrene had set in, which is currently being treated with a hearty dose of antibiotics. “It didn’t help that in addition to the infected tread marks, we found bits and pieces of shoe laces also embedded up there. It just goes to show you how often his feet were being inserted into his mouth,” Schreiber concluded.
Dr. Schreiber is also known for treating past celebrities with conditions similar to those found in Mr. Imus. “You should have seen [Dan] Quayle,” Dr. Schreiber boasted in the closing question and answer session of the conference. “He was the worst case I’ve ever seen. His whole head was black and blue from repeated foot insertions into his mouth. In fact, I still believe he owes us for all the makeup we used to repeatedly cover up those bruises.”
Hospital officials indicated that Imus is expected to be released from the hospital in two or three days.