The monthly unemployment report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department of Labor has been delayed indefinitely due to unemployment in the department. “I’m down to me, my secretary and a part-time accountant,” said Hale Wellingtrim, Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Unemployment Reports and Labor Day Parades. “And now the accountant is going on maternity leave. I remember the good old days when Labor didn’t stop for labor.”
Fifty-seven employees in the department were recently laid off, or “reassigned to the opposite side of the door” in government terminology. As a result, unemployment statistics sent in by state agencies are piling up in Wellingtrim’s office, along with employment figures, wage reports and uncashed checks from defense contractors. “Without the unemployment report, businesses won’t be able to justify moving operations to Bangladesh or Uzbekistan,” explained Wellingtrim. “Then those countries complain to the State Department, which notifies the Pentagon, which threatens to bomb my reserved parking space if I don’t do something about it.”
When asked if he could outsource some of his operations to India, Wellingtrim replied, “Are you nuts? Those people have no idea what unemployment is!”