SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks Corporation (motto: “Water is for losers”) announced today it has struck a deal with singer Amy Winehouse to promote the company’s weakest-performing product: black coffee. “If there’s anyone who looks like she needs a cup of strong black coffee, it’s Amy Winehouse,” said Adelbert Fluglehare, Starbucks’ Vice President of Black Coffee and Plain Biscottis. “We plan to make her the Jared Fogel of Starbucks,” referring to the famous Subway pitchman who lost over 240 pounds eating at Subway and never once getting caught purging behind the dumpster.
Amy’s first Starbuck’s commercial will be a before-and-after tale, showing videos of her staggering hung over into a store and attempting to punch out the barista, followed by a shot of her skipping out holding a venti coffee with the Starbucks label reflecting in her no-longer-bloodshot eyes. Subsequent ads will feature Amy in Jared-like poses: holding up empty gallon whisky bottles, huge ice packs and other things that drinking Starbucks black coffee has allowed her to give up.
For Amy’s music fans, Starbucks Entertainment is working with the singer on an update of her “Back to Black” CD called “Back to Black Coffee,” featuring all new songs like “Reheat,” “Me & Mr. Coffee,” “Tea Is A Losing Game” and “He Can Only Hold Her Latte.” The album will be promoted on a “Black to Black Coffee” concert tour, with stops expected in Seattle, Sumatra, Kenya, Columbia and Jamaica.
Starbucks is counting on the Winehouse promotion to increase the sales of black coffee enough to offset losses caused by the recently announced closure of over 600 stores, resulting in customers who had to walk more than a block to another Starbucks going to the nearest convenience store instead. “We’re hoping that introducing customers to black coffee will also increase sales of some of our newer products, including antacids, lip burn lotions and heavy-duty teeth whiteners,” said Fluglehare.
Winehouse has not yet made any statements about the Starbucks announcement. However, her publicist reports that Amy is currently at home getting ready for the promotion, especially the “before” pictures.