CHARLOTTE, NC – After reporting a net loss in the second quarter of 2008 of $8.9 billion or $4.20 per share, the board of directors of Wachovia Corporation (aka The Loan Arrangers) announced it will replace the entire worldwide staff of the bank with automated teller machines, including state-of-the-art models on wheels. “Bank tellers are so 2007,” said board chairman Hamilton “Hambone” Alexander. “Deposit, withdraw, repeat. My cell phone can do that and plays games too.”
The change starts at the top, with CEO Robert K. Steel being replaced by a solid titanium CEOATM with a brand new blond ATM at its side for special occasions. To allow the CEOATM to move between floors of Wachovia headquarters, it will be equipped with a golden parachute to ease it down stairwells and assisted by a BONUSATM to lift it back up. Since the CEOATM has no back panel, a FEDCHAIRATM will be placed behind it to cover its rear.
All bank vice presidents will be replaced by one single VPATM whose sole function will be to take up space. Loan officers will be replaced by NOATMs equipped with a large mechanical head that moves from side-to-side to indicate a loan application has been disapproved. Bank tellers will be replaced by $ATMs on wheels with sensors to detect counterfeit bills and little old ladies with bags of unrolled pennies. They will have radar to detect which line is longest and a single hand to put up “Next window” signs. Bank guards will be replaced by AK47ATMs programmed to shoot first, shoot later and answer all questions with “English or Spanish?”
During their exit interviews, Wachovia employees were advised to roll what’s left of their 401K funds into stock from Diebold Corporation, the world’s largest maker of ATMs.