CHICAGO, IL – Not everyone is as upset about the proliferation of “naked short-selling” as the Securities and Exchange Commission, which extended its temporary ban on the practice through August 12. Playboy Magazine announced plans for an upcoming feature: “The Girls Of Naked Short-Selling.” “Nothing says ‘naked short-selling’ like naked women,” said Hugh Hefner in an interview conducted in his bedroom while waiting for the Viagra to kick in.
Short-selling involves borrowing shares of stock and selling them, betting that the price will fall. Naked short sellers don’t even borrow the shares before selling them – a practice many blame for driving down stock prices. Neither require the broker to be naked, but that won’t stop Playboy. “Naked short-selling was made for Playboy Magazine,” said Hef. “Hell, I came up with the name Fannie long before the Fed did.”
Photographer Charles ‘Lucky’ Evans is in Manhattan scouring investment banks to find naked short-selling brokers with the “Playboy” look. “I have to disqualify most of these naked short-sellers because, well, they have a penis,” said Evans. So far, he’s lined up Miss January, an agent from Goldman Sachs named Cherry “Muffins” Smith. “I’ve never done anything like this,” admitted Cherry. “Well, once, but only to make quota.” Evans also plans to visit Fannie Mae. “Hef is convinced any outfit named Fannie has got to have some lookers.”
Hustler Magazine’s publisher Larry Flynt is planning a similar layout called “Whistle Blowers Of The Brokerage Industry” featuring women who have helped the SEC locate naked short-sellers. When asked how else his photo spread will be different than Playboy’s, Flynt said, “Two words: ‘whistle blower.’”
NOTE: For those of you wondering about the universal symbol for “no” in the corner of this article – here’s the explanation. Both magazines provided me with sample photographs to accompany this piece, but they were confiscated at the last minute by the Capitalist Banter editor, who mumbled something about “inappropriate,” “not for our audience” and “make sure you give me ALL of them.” I feel your pain.