SEATTLE, WA – With US Airways revealing that it will begin charging coach passengers for beverages that were formerly complimentary ($1 for coffee and sodas, $2 for bottled water), Starbucks shocked the industry by announcing it will enter the airline business. “When the airlines start butting into our business, we butt back,” said Starbucks spokesperson Ed “Barry” Stah.
The new carrier will be called Airbucks Airways and be based at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport in Seattle. Using the successful Starbucks coffee shop model, every airport in the U.S. will be a hub, including small local airports, crop-duster hangars and model airplane clubs.
Flush with cash from closing 600 stores, Starbucks will purchase pre-owned planes from Quantas. Holes and other damage to the planes will be patched with coffee grounds compressed into sheets of Cafenium ™, a super-strong composite accidentally discovered by Starbucks trainees while cleaning espresso machines.
Instead of coach, business and first class, seats will be sold by size — from ‘short’ for small passengers to ‘venti’ for passengers who would have otherwise been forced to buy two seats at Southwest. Children’s fare will be ‘decaf’ and screaming babies will be placed in a special seat called ‘venti with a tight lid.’
Frequent flyers will board planes first using a special ‘espresso’ lane. They can trade miles for free flights or to upgrade their seats to ‘venti’ or the super-soft ‘venti with extra foam.’
Beverage carts will be removed to save weight. Airbucks passengers will stand in line facing the rear of the plane and be served by flight attendants wearing “Coffee, Tea or Me? (Just Kidding, You Perv!)” aprons. In the event of turbulence, free movie headphones will be given to any passengers who return to their seats without spills.
To further differentiate itself from other carriers, Airbucks will charge $49-to-$999 for coffee, but the seats will be complimentary. A $20 biscotti gets one free checked bag and a $75 Paul McCartney CD gets unlimited checked bags with a no-loss guarantee.
Airbucks expects to begin flying in early September. Airline industry experts are watching this move carefully. If it’s successful, they predict that US Airways could be bought out by Dunkin’ Donuts and turned into Braniff Muffin Airline.