IRVING, TX – After oil prices plunged to a three-month low because Tropical Storm Edouard did nothing to disrupt oil and natural gas output in the Gulf of Mexico, lawyers for Exxon Mobil Corporation (motto: “Fill Your Tank Or We’ll Shoot This Dog!”) filed a lawsuit in federal court against Mother Nature, charging that she deliberately influenced the oil market by refusing to make Edouard a Category 5 hurricane. “The Democratic primaries proved you can’t count on a woman to do a man’s job,” said Exxon spokesperson Eric “Spin” Deltop. “Edouard could have been a manly price-boosting hurricane but turned out to be a girly thunderstorm in a pantsuit.”
When it was pointed out that Mother Nature is not a real person, Exxon attorney Phil Tanx said, “Neither is Santa Claus, but he’s killing our chances to drill under the North Pole. We’d sue him too if the CEO didn’t have so many grandkids.” “And what kind of name is Edouard anyway?” asked Deltop. “We gave the National Weather Service a list of preferred names, from Armageddon and Basher to Yankee Hater and Zebra Eater. What happened to them? I’m suing Al Roker on that one.”
Exxon Mobil’s lawsuit is supported by the other major oil companies as well as OPEC. A spokesperson for the Saudi Oil Ministry pointed out that Mother Nature has not been supportive in its requests for sandstorms, sand slides and sand worms. “We could use some help here,” he said. “Nobody buys our excuse anymore about production being down because mummies are guarding the oil fields.”
Since there’s no chance Mother Nature will show up for a trial, Exxon Mobil is hoping the case will be decided by the Supreme Court, which recently voted 5-to-4 in favor of a coalition of cosmetic dentists suing the Tooth Fairy.