WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is denying reports he fathered a love child with Chelsea “Bubbles” Seshon, a dancer at Washington’s famous “Fannies May Show” strip club. “I named my daughter Rhea Seshon after her father, Alan Greenspan,” Bubbles told reporters during a break in a 20-showgirl dance number called “Sex and the Capitol City.” Seshon is demanding that Greenspan pay child support of $10,000 per month and compensate her for all of the sequined pasties she can no longer wear because she’s nursing.
Greenspan told reporters that he is not the father of Rhea Seshon and has never met her mother, Bubbles. “While I maintain the inherent falsehood of issuants pertaining to said offspring of this garment-removing chorine, I admit I have occasionally imbibed in spirits and partook in periods of irrational exuberance at the establishment of her employ,” Greenspan said in his typical confusing fashion. “However, I’m flattered that said Jezebel thinks I’m still hot.”
Greenspan’s wife, NBC News Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell, was caught completely off-guard by the story. “I want to believe Alan, but I don’t know much about domestic affairs,” said Mitchell. She was seen leaving an electronics store near the FBI headquarters with John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth. Both were carrying bags of what appeared to be tiny surveillance cameras, fingerprinting kits and boxes of “DNADIY,” the home version of the FBI’s paternity-testing equipment.
Current Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed confidence that his old friend will prove his innocence in this affair. “Alan and I have spent many afternoons at strip clubs discussing the economy. They’re great places to determine the true value of a strategically-placed dollar bill. I don’t ever recall Alan spending any time with Bubbles, and neither one of us had anything to do with her Asian half-cousin, How Sing Bubbles.”
Business Week Magazine has offered Bubbles a million dollars for the first pictures of Rhea Seshon to put on its cover. She’s still waiting for offers from Fortune, Forbes and the Wall Street Journal, which is also interested in an editorial page foldout of Bubbles performing at “Fannies May Show.”