OPINION: Michael Phelps’ Diet Can End Recession

I’m not an economist but I know a surefire plan for economic recovery when I see one. OK, I was wrong about the futures fund in Nigerian princes, but the email looked as real as all the other ones I get for ways to “enhance my assets.” Anyway, my plan for economic recovery is one every American can participate in. In fact, most of us are already part of the way there. I’m talking about everyone in the USA getting on the Michael Phelps Olympic diet.

You’ve probably seen it on the news. Michael Phelps (soon to be starring in his own superhero comic book as Goldfishman) says his gold medal-winning diet consists of 12,000 calories of the finest artery-jamming food made in America today. That’s right, we’re talking three fried egg-and-cheese sandwiches, three slices of French toast with powdered sugar and three chocolate pancakes for breakfast (there’s more but just writing it made the ink in my pen clog up); two large ham-cheese-and-mayo sandwiches and a pound of spaghetti for lunch; a whole pizza and another pound of spaghetti for dinner. No wonder he’s ‘Customer of the Month’ at six different fast food restaurants!

And that brings me to my plan. By eating Michael Phelps’ 12,000 calorie diet every day, we can pump enough cash into the economy to wipe out the national debt, pay off our mortgages and end our oil dependence by switching to bio-diesel made from all the fast food grease we’ll generate! Not to mention we’ll all feel great because we’re ending recession by doing what we Americans do best — eating junk food.

The Michael Phelps Diet For American Recovery ™ (the title of my new book) will give immediate economic help to food service industries, minimum wage workers, farmers, grocers, beverage companies, heart doctors, pharmaceutical companies and funeral homes, just to name a few. And I can’t think of a better way to show China, Russia, Venezuela, Iran and all those countries in Africa whose names changed since we took geography how Americans can band together and be unified in a common cause that could never happen in countries that eat mostly rice, beans or curry — whatever that is.

I know the Michael Phelps Diet For American Recovery ™ will work because I’ve already been contacted by both presidential candidates offering to either endorse it or send me to an undisclosed location with Dick Cheney (a longtime fan of the diet) until after the election. I’ll leave it to you to figure out who made which offer. In the meantime, I’m doing my part by selling all of my Dean Ornish books on eBay to pay for my next Phelper-sized Happy Economy Meal ™ (I think I’ve got McDonald’s lined up). As Michael Phelps would say, “Eat, drink and be American!”

(The opinions expressed in this article are those of CapitalistBanter.com writer Paul Seaburn and do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, economic experts, the FDA or anyone with an ounce of common sense.)