INFOMERCIAL – Already nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, the “Africa Strategy” is being heralded as one of the greatest concepts for curbing national inflation, expenses and food prices ever conceived in history.
The plan was laid out early last week by reknowned scientist, Dr. Kabutu Alfonzo, already a recognized expert in the field of hungry peoples. He has been credited with the invention of the “Five Dollar Footlong” and the “Dollar Menu”.
“The idea came to me as I was studying starving children in Africa. It’s amazing how these children can sort of survive on almost no food.” explained Alfonzo. “These people in Africa, they are skinnier than any super-model or celebrity in the United States, and they spend almost nothing on food. A mere 10 cents can feed them for a week.”
Despite this incredible evidence, some people remain skeptical. The most outspoken person against this plan is the lead singer of the rock band U2, Bono. Bono claims that the African people are not happy with their incredibly skinny bodies and would much rather eat every day and weigh more.
Bono also suggested that the concept of “Not Eating” for long periods of time may have negative health effects on human beings.
Dr. Alfonzo quickly refuted Bono’s claims in saying, “It’s ridiculous to think that these people are not happy. They wear even less clothing than Americans at all times just to show off their incredible figures. Bono is clearly backwards in his logic, in the United States people die from eating too much, not too little.”
Alfonzo’s statements were largely backed by people with science degrees who supported his findings and released the following statement after conducting their own independent study:
“After extensive testing and several viewings of the movies Blood Diamond and Tears of the Sun, it is our conclusion that starving in Africa is a safe and smart method to obtain weight loss and inflation curbs. The long term effects of starvation include, looking sexier, spending less on food, and possibly shooting the hell out of African rebels in some totally righteous action sequences like Bruce Willis.”
After the release of the Scientific Community’s findings the President and his top advisors also gave their support to this new motion and voiced their agreement in saying, “We have also viewed Tears of the Sun and the provided evidence and agree that Bruce Willis is a badass.”
Congress is expected to follow trend and vote largely in favor of this initiative taking immediate effect. The most recent polling suggests that 70% of Congress currently feels that Bruce Willis is a badass and the other 30% feel that Blood Diamond “totally sucked”.
“Simply applying this plan is not enough.” warned Dr. Alfonzo, “We need to instill these lessons in our children. We need to teach them that eating often and weighing over a certain amount is not okay in our society. They need to fear their self-image like we fear terrorist attacks. They’re equally dangerous.”
Dr. Alfonzo was also quick to point out that in other countries, such as France, the food portions are vastly smaller than in the states. “They eat just as often we do, but they eat a lot less. Usually half the amount of food that we do. It’s a step in the right direction.” Alfonzo insisted that the French eat less than us because they are assumably all homosexual and against freedom.
“Africa and France have always been in league against us.” he explained. “They’ve known that starvation and eating less can make you look fantastic. The gay community is years ahead of us in terms of sexy and anorexic sciences. I would go so far as to say that Africans and Gay Frenchmen are 90% of the economic hardship currently crippling our country.”
The United States as a whole largely agrees with this sentiment. In a poll of polls it was found that 99% of Americans would like to believe that “None of this is our fault.” and only 1% felt like it was our fault, but we should still blame everyone else.
Thus it appears that the entire country is onboard for the United State’s most recent Military Campaign known as the “Franco-Homo-Africano War to Fix Our Economy And Global Warming”. The support is tremendous and the secrets of the third world countries shall soon be ours.