WASHINGTON- Lifetime Network is once again gunning for the head of beloved matriarch and divine goddess of the western hemisphere, Oprah. The depressing and low-budget television network has launched a large scale war against Oprah insisting that she has monopolized the industry of brainwashing lonely, depressed, middle-aged women.
The industry has been ravaged by prolonged conflict between Oprah, Lifetime and the producers of Brokeback Mountain all of whom are vying for a piece of this impressionable cake.
“It’s a niche market really.” said television analyst Rupert Merblock, “A given middle-aged woman can only consume about 8 hours of television a day.”
It is believed that the conflict brewing between Lifetime and Oprah is the result of sectarian differences between separate factions of women who prefer to watch different types of crappy day-time television. Each group is so devoted to their respective brand of television that it has sparked violent clashes between them.
The market for soulless, depressed women who’s lives have been consumed by a repetitive cycle of neglect, delusion and emotional void is a well researched one. At this point all programming directed at this audience can be categorized into the following well-defined spectrums.
Love: Nothing tugs on the heartstrings of a lonely, middle-aged woman like a love story. In fact, the only thing that gets a lonely woman going more than your traditional love story is an awkward nonconformist love story. Gay couples, people falling in love with ghosts and animals, etc… are all fantastic examples of the nonconformist love story.
Someone Got Raped: Regardless of how many times a middle-aged woman hears a rape story, it never gets old. Defying all scientific evidence that this kind of repetition would wear out its welcome, woman seem to never get tired of seeing and hearing about how each other got raped. The ratings are even higher on shows where the rape is shown via graphic reenactment.
Overcoming Adversity: Despite having little to no adversity in their own life and living a content life doing absolutely nothing, middle-aged women love to hear about how other people are doing the complete opposite. Babies born with shark tails and people in wheel-chairs are just a few examples of people overcoming adversity that these women will never face. It’s still a mystery why this kind of programming is so loved by void, empty, women all across America.
The Blame Game: Going hand in hand with Overcoming Adversity, the Blame Game is a trademark of the middle-aged woman’s daily life. This kind of programming takes a social problem, finds an unreasonable scapegoat and blames it for several hours. By feigning outrage and possibly cheering while stepping up and down on their Wii Fit, middle-aged women can bolster their feeling of inclusion and prove their loyalty to Oprah by hating the things she hates.
While many psychologists insist that the list of things that could suck a woman’s mind in are vast and endless, this list is the most common forms of programming currently being fought over.
As of late August the confrontation between Lifetime and Oprah had come to a boiling point with Oprah’s national army, “The Oprahnites” sieging several broadcast towers owned by the Lifetime networking and taking several of Lifetime Network CEO’s hostage so that they could express their feelings to Oprah on her daily show.
The women involved in the sectarian assault on Lifetime’s staff would later be caught in a Starbucks where they were all reading romance novels and crying on each other’s shoulders.
Authorities have neglected to give an official statement on the war but have said that they believe the majority of this is “Just a bunch of chicks PMS’ing.”