VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know you’re boring when your friends can’t even make all the way through one of your Twitters.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It’s time to start making decisions for yourself. Your Magic 8-Ball has grooves worn in it from your desperate grip.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This is a good time to return to a creative project you dropped. You can’t get ahead by wishful Googling.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take some time off to deal with personal matters. Your kids have started calling the voice on their mom’s GPS “Daddy.”
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ignore the opinions of others. Start a rumor that Einstein wore a zebra thong under white pants too.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are a lover of beauty. Cut it out … H.R. is starting to get complaints.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use the power of positive thinking. But a car that already has bumper stickers proclaiming your child is an honor student.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): It’s time to be a little more serious at work. Everyone knows your staff doesn’t consist of a priest, a rabbi and a minister.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): No matter how well it worked for Michael Phelps, it won’t help you to bring your mother to work every day.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It pays to have an office with no windows, especially if you do a lot of banging your head against the wall.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Moving 10 percent of your investments into gold will not make your wife forget you didn’t buy her any jewelry for her birthday.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Think before you speak in meetings. Don’t wait for your dentist to tell you your teeth are getting worn down by your foot.