PRINCETON, NJ — The manufacturers of the Trojan ™ brand of condoms, Church & Dwight Co., Inc. (motto: “You look like an extra-large”), has filed for bankruptcy, citing slumping sales and a dismal forecast for the rest of the year and possibly the next four following the nomination of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. “It’s not exactly because of Mrs. Palin,” said corporate spokesperson Herb Plezyur. “We took a hard hit when Levi Johnston showed up at the convention with her daughter.”
For those who live in caves with no cable access, Levi Johnston is the high school hockey player responsible for impregnating Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate. “Without wearing one of our products, which by the way come in most high school colors, this kid schtupped the daughter of a woman who knows her way around assault rifles and is hailed as a hero by a guy who spent five-and-a-half years in a cell with nothing to use for condoms but mouse intestines,” explained Plezyur. “High school jocks are our biggest market. Without them, we’ll be making balloons for clowns to twist into animals.”
Plezuyur said that Church & Dwight has shut down its main plant in Princeton and laid off all of the machine operators, packaging clerks and the women who test the ribbed condoms. “Those two shouldn’t have any trouble getting jobs in Atlantic City,” said Plezyur. The company plans to stay open with a skeleton crew until after the election in November. “Depending on who wins, we’ll either be recalling all the workers and reopening the plant, or we’ll be selling our unsold stock on eBay to girls who like to use them as shower caps for their Bratz dolls.”