VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s time to go on a diet. Being “too big to fail” only works for mortgage lenders and investment banks.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): IT found the cause of your blue screens … stop making fun of Jerry Seinfeld’s Microsoft commercial.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stop beating your self up. Your co-workers are placing bets on which one of you will win.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Setting goals and striving to achieve them is fine. Yelling GOOOOAAALLL! when you reach one is not.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Take care of your health. It’s time for your annual day off that you take to pretend you’re getting a physical.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be creative. Don’t let facts get in the way of a great performance review.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Bring some variety into your work life. Try switching from Solitaire to Minesweeper on odd-numbered days.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Volunteer to be your office fire marshal. Fire drills are a great time to look through everyone’s desk drawers.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The rest room is not a place for business conversations … unless you’re a copywriter for Charmin.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you find a dead bug on the floor, just pick it up and dispose of it. Drawing an outline with correction fluid just makes the cleaning people seek revenge.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): No matter how much fun it looks like on those YouTube videos, don’t throw beads at women in H.R.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Invest in your company’s stock. You never know when you might need a good cover.