The Food and Drug Administration has withheld final approval of Vigoryn, a new drug from Pfizer, stating that Vigoryn’s benefits, side effects, ingredients and chemical structure are all nearly identical to those of methamphetamine.
Vigoryn, touted as an answer to lethargy, low libido, excess body fat, and shyness, has proven effective in agency reviews at treating this wide variety of ailments. However, the FDA expressed concerns over side effects including diarrhea, pervasive sweating, irregular or flailing movements, rapid tooth decay, and incessant muttering about needing to “score some more fucking Vigoryn.”
At a press conference, a Pfizer spokesman contended that Vigoryn’s safety profile compared favorably to similar drugs on the market. When pressed to name drugs comparable to Vigoryn, the spokesman became belligerent, vowing to “stab each and every one of you with a rusty fork.” He then apologized profusely and collapsed into a ball beneath the podium, crying.
The FDA’s decision is yet another blow to Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, in their efforts to push Vigoryn onto the market. Last month, Pfizer shares fell 21 cents after three employees were killed in an explosion at Pfizer’s primary Vigoryn production facility, located in a trailer park in Riverside County, California.