NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to stop panic trading and smooth out the roller coaster swings of the markets, Treasury Secretary Hank “Wait – I’ve Got Another Idea!” Paulson today ordered the IT department of the New York Stock Exchange to enable Mail Goggles on all of the computers used on the trading floor until further notice. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for once President Bush was right,” said Paulson. “Wall Street is still drunk and the world economy can’t survive 30 days of rehab.”
As anyone who’s in the know knows (and if you don’t, here’s your big chance), Mail Goggles is a new experimental feature in Google’s Gmail program that helps stamp out drunken e-mailing by forcing users to perform five simple math problems in 60 seconds before sending e-mails between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m. on weekends. According to a recent government study, the implementation of this feature on Congressional computers two weeks ago has already saved the jobs of four senators and kept three lobbyists out of Guantanamo.
Paulson ordered the NYSE IT department to change the operational time of Mail Goggles to match the hours the exchange is open, and to replace the last math problem with a biblical question about Armageddon just to shake up the traders. In addition to emails and twitters, the NYSE Mail Goggles will put a 60 second delay on all stock trades, currency exchanges and searches on the phrase “Great Depression.”
As an added precaution, Paulson also ordered baby monitors to be installed on the floor of the exchange to pick up the sound of crying.