VATICAN CITY — Bucking the downward spiral of virtually every other nation’s stock market, the Vatican City Stock Exchange and Souvenir Shop (VCSESS) posted its seven-thousand-nine-hundredth straight quarter of growth. “That’s 1,975 straight years,” said Father Earl “Father” Hines, the Vatican’s Treasury Secretary. “Contrary to what President Bush says, I think we know who God is investing in.”
Vatican City, the world’s smallest country, also has the world’s smallest stock market. The S&PP (Saints & Poor People) Index consists of the country’s three largest corporations: Heavenly Holy Water, Icons R Us and ExorcismCrafters. “With the price of holy water at over $100 a barrel, HHW had another record year,” said Father Hines. “Icons R Us got a big boost from Pope Benedict naming some new saints, and the whole “good versus evil” mindset these days has made ExorcismCrafters virtually recession-proof.”
Stocks on the VCSESS are traded on the floor in the back room of the Sistine Candles souvenir shop near St. Peter’s Square. With the rest of the world’s markets in freefall, the phone at the shop has been ringing off the hook. “Everybody wantsa pizza da pie,” said shop and stock exchange manager Tony Alto in the fake Italian accent he uses for tourists. “Dat wise guy Paulson, always asking for my home phone number. He’s such a meatball.”
Father Hines says there’s no secret to the success of the Vatican City economy. “It’s simple. We pray every morning for world peace. We pray at noon for food for everyone. We pray every night for a good life for all peoples. Oh, and we never buy derivatives.”