DETROIT, MI — With the American automotive industry in its biggest slump since drivers looked under the hood of a Chevy Vega and found chewing gum, auto parts suppliers are preparing for the worst as the car crash trickles down to them. No suppliers are more terrified than the makers of the ubiquitous American car cup holders.
Jody Plummer, president of Big Gulp Grabbers, is frustrated with the auto industry. “We tried convincing the Japanese carmakers to add more cup holders, but they claim to have studies showing that hybrid drivers are afraid of spilling coffee and shorting out their engines.” Plummer is hoping to expand into the golf cart market. “If you leave out one driver and a 7-iron, our 128-ounce cup holder is perfect for a golf bag.”
Other cup holder makers are moving out of the auto industry completely. “We’re talking to blue jeans manufacturers about replacing that silly little change pocket with a cup holder,” says Del Coe, president of Texas Hold-ems. “Cover it with denim and rivets and it blends right in. By next spring, everybody will be wearing Levis 5-0-Water-Bottles.”
Frustrated space tourist Harry “Call Me Mister” Spawque was hoping to sell his company, “I Wanna Hold Your Cup,” to pay for a trip to the International Space Station. With his company stock now worth less than Walter Chekov action figures, Spawque plans to travel there in spirit by equipping Russian space capsules with cup holders. “The Russians hate spilling vodka,” says Spawque.
The Big Three (or possibly Big Two with a remote chance of Big One) are nervous that all of the cup holder suppliers will move out of Detroit, leaving them holding the cups. Ford spokesperson Dawn Paemence warns it could be the straw that breaks the mustang’s back. “Cup holders, wide-screen DVD players and large-rump heated seats are the only reason anyone buys American anymore.”