IRVING, TX — One day after breaking its own record for the biggest U.S. quarterly profit ever, ExxonMobil Corporation (motto: Cheap Gas or Clean Restrooms — Make Up Your Mind!) announced it is buying the country of Iceland and giving it to President George W. Bush in appreciation for all he’s done for the company during the last eight years. “We got Iceland for less than you might expect,” said ExxonMobil spokesperson Phil Rupp. “With their recent financial problems, the Icelandic government was willing to let it go for $10 billion in cash, a year’s supply of gas and front-row seats to a Jonas Brothers concert. Oh, and we had to take Bjork off their hands.”
President Bush has hinted recently that he’s planning to sell his ranch in Crawford, Texas, after leaving the White House and is looking for another weekend getaway spot. He was initially disappointed when he heard about Iceland. “Isn’t that the state Sarah Palin’s from?” he asked Rupp. Mr. Bush warmed up to Iceland after hearing that the island’s recent financial crisis has crippled the country’s logging industry, giving him over 100,000 acres of brush to clear. The departing government also promised Mr. Bush it would change all of the country’s polysyllabic unpronounceable Norse city names to Lars.
Vice President Dick Cheney was visibly upset when he heard about the gift, since not only was he the real driving force behind ExxonMobil’s tax breaks, he’s the only member of the Bush administration who’s ever used an Exxon restroom. Cheney spends a few days every month in one near Washington since, as he puts it, “Even Osama bin Laden wouldn’t follow me in there.” Just as the vice president was picking up the phone to invite ExxonMobil’s CEO on a hunting trip, Phil Rupp was ushered into his office to present him with the keys to the Exxon Cheney, a 4,000-foot-long oil tanker the company is converting into the world’s largest bass boat.