National Enquirer Goes All-Twitter

BOCA RATON, FL — Hot on the heels of the news that U.S. News & World Report is joining The Christian Science Monitor in suspending print editions and becoming an Internet-only magazine, the publishers of the National Enquirer (motto: “Isn’t That Elvis Over There Talking To O.J.?”) announced that the publication is switching from its weekly supermarket tabloid format to all-Twitter. “I got a job! Does anybody need more than 140 characters to figure out that Phil Spector is whacko?” the Enquirer’s new Twitter editor Seth Bliznuk tweeted his followers after getting the job.

Bliznuk, age 19, is a part-time student at Boca Raton Community College and will run the entire Enquirer Twitter operation from enclosed patio his parents added on to their mobile home as a gift for getting accepted to BRCC after only three tries. The exact location is being kept secret from the hundreds of Enquirer staffers who were laid off, including crack Enquirer reporters who know what goes on in every trailer park in the U.S.

Enquirer management sees the move to Twitter as the best way to make the tabloid appealing to younger readers who never look at the famous tabloid. “They don’t read the Enquirer while waiting in line at the supermarket like their parents did,” said editor Dusty Lekret. “They get bored halfway though a candy wrapper.”

The switch to Twitter will force the Enquirer to drop some of the longer exclusives and breaking stories it has become known for, like John Edwards’ affair, Bristol Palin’s pregnancy and Bigfoot’s libel suit against the two guys who claimed they had him in their freezer. “Unless he tweets that his nose just fell off on his way to Starbucks, Michael Jackson is history,” said Lekret.