WASHINGTON, DC — The Treasury Department (motto: “Dedicated To Providing The Best Money Money Can Buy”) released its quarterly payroll statistics on the nation’s workerforce and noted that, while paychecks remained the same or dropped slightly since the previous quarter, they seem bigger because employers are using smaller envelopes.
“I got the idea at the grocery store,” Treasury Secretary Henry “Let’s See If This Will Work” Paulson told a group of reporters who couldn’t get into a press conference being held by President-elect Barack Obama. “I picked up my usual giant bag of Chips Ahoy and noticed that the package was the same size but it seemed lighter. Sure enough, I was only getting 44 ounces instead of 48, but the price was the same. I was so excited, I ran out without checking to see if I was getting screwed on the 16-chips-per-cookie deal too!”
Paulson said he called every CEO on his Christmas card list to share the “smaller package” idea and only one resisted the idea. “He runs Nabisco,” said Paulson. “His Chips Ahoy packers would see right through it.”
When told their paychecks were not as big as they seemed, many employees were shocked. “I’ve been trying to cram large women into small shoes for years, “said Sue Horn, a shoe salesperson at Macy’s. “I’m mad and yet I’m impressed.” Ed Selze, a front-passenger-door-bolt-turner at Ford claims he knew something was up. “I tried to put my paycheck back in the envelope and it jammed like a trunk lid made at 4:30 on the Friday before a three-day weekend.”
Paulson admits that the pay envelope ruse will only work for one quarter. “The CEOs have already agreed to my new secret plan,” he said. “Next time, the paychecks will look bigger because the dollar amounts will be metric.”