MENLO PARK, CA — Google, Inc. (motto: “We Know Everything About You – You Pervert!”) announced today that the Google Flu Trends web site has been accepted to Harvard Medical School. “Google Flu Trends knows more about influenza than any student we’ve ever had,” said Dr. Howard Finehoward, Dean of the Harvard Medical School. “That alone convinced us to waive our long-standing rule that Harvard medical students must be human or the descendant of a human Harvard med school graduate.”
The Google Flu Trends web site was developed with the help of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (motto: “Death To Dying!”) and is based on the number of Google search queries made about influenza. “When I designed the site, I never thought it would get accepted to med school,” said Paige Brinn, vice president of R&D&P (Research & Development & Pranks). “Engineering school, maybe, but not Harvard med school. My Jewish friends are SO jealous!”
Google Flu Trends tracks certain search terms that are good indicators of flu activity. These terms include “sneezing,” “vomiting,” “feel like I’m fixin’ to die,” “doctors who don’t lecture you for smoking” and “mommy.” “We’ve had over 100,000 searches in New Jersey for “Can snorting NyQuil hurt you?” said Brinn. “The CDC is rushing flu shots to Newark as we speak.”
Now that Google Flu Trends has broken down the barrier preventing web sites and software programs from entering med school, others are following suit. Johns Hopkins University reports receiving over 100 applications from iPhone apps, including one that is just a GPS tool to help hospital patients find the nearest bedpan. “We have high standards,” said a spokesperson for Johns Hopkins. “If iPhone apps want to become doctors, they should try an online school first.”