WASHINGTON, DC — Descendants of Charles Ponzi — the inventor of the famous pyramid scheme that bears his name — have asked President Bush to issue a posthumous pardon for the mail fraud charges that ultimately sent him to prison. “If Uncle Chuck were alive today, he’d be on the short list for Treasury Secretary,” said Arthur Ponzarelli, a nephew who was forced to change his name to avoid getting beat up at Wharton. “He’d be getting a bailout, a bonus and a Nobel prize in economics too.”
For those who have never received an email from Nigeria, Ponzi’s scheme involved paying dividends to his initial investors using money he collected from later investors. He gave double-digit returns while treating himself to a lavish lifestyle. “He got screwed when the payouts slowed down and the liberal business media started snoopin’ where they ain’t supposed to snoop. Sound familiar?” asked Ponzi relative Tony “Anthony” Ponzi, a “businessman” in New Jersey. “He shoulda put on a dress and called himself Fannie. Everybody loves broads named Fannie. Especially Fed chairmen.”
Ponzi’s heirs are upset because he ended up serving time for his scheme. “Those guys on Wall Street did the same thing and got massages, bonuses, trips, bonuses, hookers and bonuses,” said Ponzi’s grandson Al “Fredo” Ponzi. “We don’t want money. We just want Papa to have his name cleared. And maybe one or two hookers.”
President Bush did not rule out a pardon for Charles Ponzi, although he admitted there were a lot of people in line in front of him. He ordered his staff to check the records to see if Ponzi was a registered Republican and whether he made any campaign contributions to Republican candidates. He also asked them to make a copy of Arthur Ponzarelli’s letter and send it along with $100 to each of the names listed on the bottom.