CHICAGO, IL — In a stunning reversal of fortune, the Chicago Cubs (motto: “Wait Till Next Whatever”) have made an offer to purchase Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks basketball team. Cuban had recently placed a $1.3 billion bid to buy the Cubs, a team that has not won a World Series since the world was flat. “We’re buying Cuban to get the Mavericks,” said Sam Zell, CEO of the Tribune, which owns the Cubs. “We think Dirk Nowitski is being wasted as a center and would make a great first baseman and long-ball hitter.”
Cuban suddenly became affordable when the Securities and Exchange Commission filed insider-trading charges against him over his sale of shares in Internet company Mamma.com. Cuban’s value dropped almost 80% before the NBA stepped in and halted trading of Mavericks’ jerseys and Cuban’s bobblehead dolls. “I’m innocent!” a defiant Cuban told reporters who stood out of spitting and chair-throwing range. “I thought I was selling shares of yomamma.com, my online snaps company.
If the Tribune is successful in purchasing Cuban, Zell plans a major makeover for the Mavericks. “First thing we’ll do is make the fans sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Nobody really pays attention to basketball games until then anyway.” Zell also plans to put a green monstrous wall directly up against the rear of the backboard at the Mavericks’ end of the court to intimidate opponents running fast breaks, particularly the Boston Celtics.
Mark Cuban will have no control of either team. According to Zell, “Once the SEC is done with him, we’ll see if he’s got any value left. He’s still got some basketball experience. Maybe ‘Dancing With The Stars’ needs somebody to mop the sweat off the floors after each dance.”