North Pole — Amid worldwide economic woes this holiday season, Santa Claus announced that the elves’ annual holiday party has been canceled.
"Parents aren’t shelling out for anything this year. Even Jews and atheists are writing me for gifts," Santa said. "Not only am I incurring additional materials and labor costs and working two full shifts, but shipping this stuff is costing me an arm and a little round belly that shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly.”
Sources close to Santa report he’s had to acquire and train an additional fleet of reindeer just for the big night. But Santa won’t let down the kids or miss his annual cookie crawl, so his only economic recourse is to eliminate the elves’ Christmas party.
The diminutive toymakers are furious over the cost cutting decision. "We look forward to the Christmas party all year," said Ollie Cornfelter, supervisor of the wooden toy division of Santa’s Workshop. "It’s the only time we really get to let loose. Everyone thinks he’s all cookies and milk, but even Santa knocks a few back before he heads out on his rounds. After last year’s party, we needed two big candy canes to prop him up in the sleigh."
As if the lack of festivities weren’t enough, rumors are swirling around the North Pole that no bonuses will be given this year. The village of singing elves is slowly turning into an angry mob demanding that Santa work for a dollar a year.
Santa confided that he’s concerned about disappointing the workforce, but experts say he’s got nothing to worry about. Martin Hoosier, an employment consultant who did not advise Santa Clause or Santa’s Workshop, Inc. says, "Canceling the holiday party is standard practice this year. Santa’s fine. The elves would never walk."
However, one elf who asked to remain anonymous hinted that he and his co-workers hope to have a website up and running next year that would “essentially replace the Fat Man” with a service called Santazon.com.