SACRAMENTO, CA — An embarrassed Newman J. Alfreds, confronted by over 100 reporters camped out on his lawn, broke down and admitted that he is the only person to have turned down an offer to invest in Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, the recently exposed Ponzi scheme that bilked tens of thousands of investors out of at least $50 billion. “Can you just call me Mr. X?” Alfreds asked the reporters. “Getting taken by Madoff is the new “in” thing in the neighborhood. I’ll never be able to show my face at the country club again.”
Alfreds says he was a little confused by the letter he received from Madoff. “I got the part about sending a million dollars to the first ten names on the list,” he explained. “But it wasn’t clear whether I was supposed to move my name to the top or the bottom of the list. The ink was all smudged. You’d think that Silicon Valley CEO who sent it to me could afford a new printer.”
Alfreds says he sat on the letter and left messages on Madoff’s answering machine. “I figured he was probably legitimate when I heard the voice on his answering machine was Pope Benedict. The pope is infallible when investing church money, isn’t he?” Alfreds told his neighbors he had already sent his checks and letters out, and blamed his lack of returns on the post office. “I was pretty nervous because the mailman had invested with Madoff too. You should have seen his stretch Maserati mail truck.”
When the offices of Madoff Investments were raided by federal officials, they found Alfreds’ messages on the answering machine and his picture on Madoff’s dartboard. “There was a dart in my crotch. He knew how this was going to make me feel,” said Alfreds. According to the confiscated company records, Alfreds was the only person or company invited to invest who turned it down. “It’s ruined my life,” he sobbed as the reporters walked off. “My wife left me for a bankrupt bankruptcy lawyer who lost $10 million to Madoff. She thinks that pale, starving look is sexy.”