IRVING, TX — Gold’s Gym International (motto: “If You Sign A Lifetime Contract, It’s Almost Free!”) – one of the largest chains of co-ed gyms in the world – is temporarily shutting down its facilities in order to redesign and reopen them as Gold’s Snore Centers after a new study found that heavy snorers burn 373 extra calories a day. “We need to make the switch before it puts us out of business,” said Gold’s spokesperson Barb L. Kerl. “Who’s going to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership they never use when they can snore themselves into shape for free?”
Managers of Gold’s gyms are hoping that, just like with exercise, Americans will find out it’s hard to keep up a regular snoring program. “I used to snore all the time when I was younger,” says Hanz N. Franz, one of the first to sign up for a three-year membership in the new center. “Now I can barely get myself to snore once a month. My New Year’s resolution is to snore five times a week so I can lose all of these holiday pounds.” The study also found that partners of snorers tend to wake them up, thus depriving them of a good workout. “I’d snore if I had someone to snore with,” says Jackie Lane, who is considering a membership. “It’s always easier with a buddy to motivate you.”
Gold’s is banking on Jackie and others like her treating the Snore Centers as places to meet dates. “A lot of our members eventually end up in bed with people they meet during workouts,” said Kerl. “We’re just making it easier to do both in one place.” Gold’s is replacing all of the exercise machines, treadmills and weights in the gyms with mattresses, couches and lounge chairs. It plans to keep all of its TVs since many snorers find it easier to fall asleep while watching. Professional bodybuilders interested in a more exhausting snore workout will have access to large padded rooms where they can safely sleepwalk.
The famous original Gold’s Gym logo, a bald-headed weightlifter holding a barbell, will be replaced with a bald-headed man in a bed with his eyes, closed, mouth wide open and a puddle of drool on his pillow. “He’ll still be built like a weightlifter,” said Kerl. “That’s what a good snore at a Gold’s Center can do for you.” When asked how a Gold’s Snore Center is different than a cheap hotel, Kerl replied, “Two words: juice bar.”