HOLLYWOOD, CA — Actress Scarlett Johansson – famous for her roles in “Ghost World,” “Lost in Translation,” “Girl with a Pearl Earring” and numerous teenage boy YouTube fantasy videos – is being investigated by the Securities and Exchange Committee (motto: “We’re Getting Around To It.”) for managing an illegal ‘Hanki’ scheme. A ‘Hanki’ scheme is similar to a ‘Ponzi’ scheme with two exceptions: it’s obviously far easier for the SEC to uncover and it involves mucous (from the Latin word ‘mucus’ which means ‘green sludge’) instead of hedge funds (from the Latin word hedgefundus, which means ‘money sludge’).
Johansson’s ‘Hanki’ scheme began on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (motto: “Wake Up! We’re Not On At 10 Yet!”) when the cold-suffering actress blew her nose into a tissue and Leno challenged her to sell the snot-laden paper “hanky” on eBay. When the booger-bearing blotter sold for $5300, a scheme was born. Johansson began blowing her nose constantly and selling the tainted tissues to investors. Some of the early funds came from her mother’s Jewish friends who were glad the little “shayna maideleh” finally found a good job.
Eventually, Scarlett’s schnozz ran out of schnot and she was forced to use funds from new investors to pay older ones who were promised the “pick” of the profits. Money was also paid under the table to nasally mucous producers and black market tissue suppliers to keep the chain moving. Although no evidence has been uncovered at this date, investors heard rumors that Leno supplied some of this sneeze money in return for exclusive rights to Johansson booger jokes.
The SEC finally blew the cover off of the nose-blowing scheme when the market for Scarlett’s snots collapsed under the cold-and-flu season. “Every celebrity in Hollywood is blowing their nose for some reason these days,” said SEC investigator Paul Hanksen. “eBay couldn’t handle the volume and shut down trading.” While the investigation on the ‘Hanki’ scheme continues, no charges have yet been filed against the actress. She’s hoping the whole thing will blow over soon once Hollywood gossip columnists switch from her to reviews of “Valkyrie.”