Redmond, WA — Thousands of people who received Microsoft’s 30-gigabyte Zune (motto: “No, Zune is not an ancient Greek word for ‘Piece of crap'”) media players for Christmas and were thrilled when the poor-excuse-for-an-iPod players stopped working on December 31, switched to disappointment when the Zunes began working again on January 1. “We’ve fixed the ‘leap year’ glitch that caused the problem,” said Rob ‘Don’t Call Me Rod’ Blagojevich, spokesperson for Microsoft. “Everything will be fine in the next Zune model scheduled for market in 2012 in conjunction with our next release of Windows.”
A sad-faced Bertie ‘Don’t Call Me Bernie’ Madoff was waiting in the mile-long return line at Wal-Mart when his Zune suddenly started working again. “I was planning to get a refund and use it to buy a cheap Wal-Mart iPhone,” said Bertie. “I told my wife not to get me a Zune but she thought the color went with the underwear she gave me, which I’m also returning.” An upset Mamie ‘Don’t Call Me Amy’ Winehouse was crying at the counter. “This was my last resort. I tried to re-gift it to my mom and now she’s putting me up for adoption. Who wants an unemployed needs-a-boob-job 27-year-old daughter?”
“We’re not accepting returns on working Zunes,” said Wal-Mart returns manager Claude ‘Don’t Call Me Claus’ von Stauffenberg. “Microsoft won’t take them back and they’re worth less used than George W. Bush bobble-head dolls. I’ve got thousands of those in the back. I use them to pay the illegal, I mean contract, workers.”
Apple is hoping to bring some of the disenchanted Zune owners over to iPods. “It’s not their fault if some inconsiderate relative gave them a Zune for Christmas,” said Apple manager Phil ‘Don’t Call Be Bill’ Gates. “We’ll gladly let them trade the Zune for a dollar-off coupon on a new iPod. We’ll even throw in a left earbud if they buy the right and the plug.”