CUPERTINO, CA — Shortly after blaming his recent weight loss and emaciated appearance on a hormonal imbalance, Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iDoc, a specially-modified iPhone that keeps constant tabs on his medical condition and sends text messages to concerned users whenever his pulse quickens, his breathing shortens or he gets acid reflux for any reason other than a drop in Apple’s stock price. “It’s the coolest product we’ve built in the past 48 hours,” said a visibly excited Jobs while holding up the iDoc to show reporters that his pulse was still within the acceptable CEO range.
The iDoc will sell initially for $599, but is expected to drop to $99 as soon as sales reach 100,000 or Jobs gains some weight. “Products this cool are a bargain at any price, and $599 is a really cool price,” Jobs told Apple users who were waving money in one hand while calling friends on their iPhones with the other to warn them to hurry up and head to the nearest Apple store before the iDoc isn’t cool anymore or it’s on sale at Wal-Mart.
Like the iPhone, the iDoc can be loaded with apps from Apple’s iTunes store, including iCAT, which monitors Jobs brain waves, iEKG, which monitors his heartbeat, and iBELT, which monitors his waistline. “We expect developers to come out with a lot more cool iDoc apps as soon as they see how terrible I look today,” said Jobs.
In an attempt to jump on the “Better buy now before our favorite CEO dies” bandwagon, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates is rumored to be on a starvation diet and learning to get nosebleeds on command.