WASHINGTON, DC — Eager to right the struggling economy, President-elect Barack Obama unveiled a $700 billion stimulus plan designed to create 3 million new Steve Jobs over the next two years. “American innovation, ingenuity and looking good in jeans is what makes this country great,” Obama said. “No one embodies that spirit more than Steve Jobs.”
The co-founder of Apple, Inc., Steve Jobs’ leadership has led to the Macintosh, the iPod and TV commercials that viewers actually watch. Obama’s new “Jobs’ Jobs” plan calls for replicating Steve’s DNA and injecting it into 3 million unemployed Americans, producing exact copies, or iClones, of the mercurial CEO. These new Jobs are expected to invigorate every American industry, from technology to cars to razors that leave a sexy stubble.
“Consumer confidence and enthusiasm will never be higher. Americans will celebrate the unveiling of the wireless stapler, and they’ll stand in lines for days at the grocery store to buy iCorn,” Obama said.
The clothing industry has already received a boost due to unprecedented demand for black mock-turtleneck shirts and blue jeans with adjustable shrinking waistbands. Psychologists also expect an increase in clients when the Jobs iClones become smug, vain and vindictive fast food restaurant managers.
Republicans initially decried these government-created Jobs, saying the Apple CEO’s micromanaging style reflects Democrats’ desire for more invasive government. However, Jobs won over key legislators with a riveting speech on the House floor, during which he unveiled the first embryonic iClone, as well as the iHeart, a pacemaker that will synchronize a person’s heartbeat to his or her favorite song. “I live-blogged the whole thing,” said Rep. Jeff Fortenberry (R) of Nebraska following a five-minute standing ovation for Jobs. “Simply phenomenal. I would take a bullet for that man.”
Jobs admits he was hesitant at first about being used as the template for a new race of visionary assholes. What finally convinced him? “When the president of the United States looks you in the eye and says, ‘Do you want to sell portable jukeboxes for the rest of your life, or do you want to change the world into your own graven image?’ you listen.” Later in the interview, Jobs claimed the whole idea was his from the beginning.
Before returning to his home in Silicon Valley, Jobs will stop at a government lab to provide additional DNA samples. “Good artists copy, great artists steal,” Jobs said. “I think this is a little bit of both.”