RICHMOND, VA. — Hot on the heels of the announcement that the chain is closing all 567 stores, laying off 34,000 employees and liquidating all of its remaining merchandise, management at Circuit City (motto: “Please don’t refer to a sale item as a ‘best buy’”) revealed plans to sell the empty stores to the United States Department of Energy to be used as storage facilities for nuclear waste. “I think it’s a great idea,” said laid-off store manager Nick Tendo. “My store is right next door to a Best Buy. Let’s see how many TVs they sell when the sales staff grows a third eye.”
The abandoned stores will take the place of the controversial Yucca Mountain Repository in Nevada, which has yet to be used due to protests by environmentalists, ranchers and a local resident claiming to be Bigfoot. “They’re the perfect locations for nuclear waste storage,” said DoE spokesperson Rod Szilla. “Based on Circuit City’s final sales figures, nobody knows where they are.”
Circuit City officials say anyone unlucky enough to receive a Circuit City gift card for Christmas can redeem them during the liquidation sale. After the stores are closed, the DoE recommends that unused cards be shredded and eaten, along with any catalogs, sales flyers and credit card bills listing store locations. Laid-off employees will be offered jobs at the nuclear waste facilities provided they pass a physical and demonstrate their loyalty by bringing in the blades of a windmill.