HOLLYWOOD, CA – The producers of ‘24’ (motto: “Don’t Complain Or We’ll Bring Back Jack’s Daughter”) announced they have scrapped the scripts still left to be shot for this season in order to work in new cast member Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff. “He’s the perfect villain for our show,” said ‘24’ Senior Top Executive Producer A. Rolf Flynn. “Jack Bauer can’t torture a lousy financial statement.”
Madoff’s agent approached ‘24’ after reviews of the first few episodes of this season were less-than-stellar. “Too many liberals, women, liberals, crybabies, liberals and wimps,” said ‘24’ Fan Club president Noah Lyfe. “Did I mention liberals?” Although Madoff had no formal acting experience, the idea intrigued ‘24’ Super Executive Really Senior Better-Than-Everybody Producer Les “Doug” Fairbanks. “He fooled all of the people all of the time,” said Fairbanks. “ He’s evil but he looks like your mailman. I hear he once made Dick Cheney cry.”
Madoff’s character will be called Bernie Madoff. “We had some other names in mind, but we didn’t want to get sued by anyone whose name we might accidentally pick,” said Fairbanks. “Fox is still paying off a couple hundred guys named Charles Montgomery Burns.” The character Madoff will bankrupt the Federal government, the FBI and secret organization Bauer is working for, forcing a financially-strapped Jack to fight bad guys by throwing rocks, make his escapes on a skateboard and torture bad guys by flushing the toilet whiler they’re in the shower. “I’m now a cross between Jack Bauer and Joe the Plumber,” said star Keifer Sutherland. “Would that make me Jack the Plumber or Joe the Torturer? I need to call my agent.”
Madoff refuses to reveal what happens to his character. “Let’s just say there’s a final battle between me and Jack that could end the world as we know it,” Madoff said during an appearance on “Entertainment Tonight.” “Luckily, Jack is on his own, while I know two people who each know four people who each know ten more people who each know … Wait, I’ve told you too much already.”